


Remus Lupin’s Plan for Life

by bobombmobob



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Library, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst and Humor, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, BAMF Remus Lupin, Eating Disorders, Eventual Fluff, Everyone Needs A Hug, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Librarian Remus Lupin, Love doesn’t fix depression, M/M, Mental Health Issues, POV Remus Lupin, Past Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, References to Depression, Remus Lupin Needs a Hug, Remus Lupin-centric, Sirius Black Needs a Hug, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-30
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:55:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 42,407
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27787105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobombmobob/pseuds/bobombmobob
Summary: From the monotonous day to day routine, to the inescapable pain of his past, Remus Lupin creates a plan for life as he longs to catch a break.Enter: Sirius Black.UPDATED REGULARLY
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 109
Kudos: 211





	1. The Plan

**Author's Note:**

> **CONTENT WARNING:**   
>  **This fic deals with some heavy subjects, like abuse and mental illness. Please heed the warnings on each chapter.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you whataboutmyfries for being a lovely beta, same to jordanisneedy for proofreading. 
> 
> **CW - light references to depression, abuse and eating disorders.  
> **  
>  **No explicit mentions but tread carefully :)**

Remus Lupin has a plan for life.

It’s very simple. Organised and controlled, calm and regimented. Remus has eliminated all spontaneity in his life by sticking to this plan, because spontaneity meant uncertainty. Uncertainty meant making uninformed decisions. And uninformed decisions almost always resulted in pain.

More specifically, pain for Remus.

Pain is a funny thing. So intangible, but ever present in his mind. These days pain is a dull ache. A pain one might feel in their teeth and gums. The kind of pain that throbs and hums through your jaw and up along your cheekbones. It feels like another layer, curling round and pressing insistently on your bones. A constant pressure. Not necessarily sharp, but unrelenting in its presence. Irritating. Whispering in your ear. _I’m still here. Look at me, notice me._

It’s difficult not to notice. Not when it’s there all the time. But Remus has learnt to deal with it. Live in some semblance of harmony. If you can’t eradicate it, then you must learn to live alongside it. Pain rarely feels sharp now. Only when people come along to poke at the wounds.

People. 

The fleeting nature of many people in Remus’ life has resulted in him giving up all hope of forming any meaningful relationships. His logic is - if you don’t let anyone in your life in the first place, then no one can hurt you by leaving. The pain will never be sharp and unmanageable. It’s very sound logic in Remus’ opinion.

People are the first part of Remus’ plan for life. People are intriguing, but for the most part, they only want one thing in life. And that is to be loved. Though not many people understand what love truly means. Heck, neither does Remus. The unfortunate reality is that too many people do whatever they can for what they _think_ is love. And unsuspecting and naive people like Remus fall for this facade, believing this false love is what they deserve. He learned this the hard way. With an old friend who set him up on a date. Date evolved into dates. Dates turned into boyfriend. Boyfriend turned into expectations, and expectations turned into disappointment. 

Then there was pain. Pain is all Remus really remembers from the event. And betrayal. 

So, the plan. Pain and people come hand in hand, in Remus’ experience. So, it makes sense for his plan’s first point to be - limit as many people in his life as he can to minimise unnecessary pain. 

Remus has always been a very organised person. Needs to be in control of everything in his life. Any mess or clouds in his thoughts are eased and cleared by writing them all down. As if using a pen directly transports all of his worries and feelings out of his poor excuse of a mind onto paper. That’s what he tells himself anyway, as he opens his notebook and writes the title:

‘REMUS’ PLAN FOR GETTING HIS SHIT TOGETHER’

“What’s that?”

“Jesus!” Remus slams his book shut and looks up over his shoulder. Alice, his coworker at the library, just smiles. 

“Sorry. Didn’t mean to frighten you.”

“It’s nothing.”

Alice and Remus have grown close over the past couple years at the library. They joined at roughly the same time, the manager Minerva McGonagall taking a liking to both of them. He’s fortunate he got the job when he did, seeing as Minerva wasn’t really looking for new people. But Remus was adamant. 

He says adamant, desperate may be a more apt description. And he supposes Minerva took pity on him. Alice, on the other hand, he guesses she just used her charms. 

Alice is the exception to the ‘people’ rule of life, he thinks, as he watches her slump into the seat beside him. He’s only human, for god’s sake, and she makes the days go by a little quicker. Don’t get him wrong, there is still plenty that Alice doesn’t know about him. But he’d be lying if he said they weren’t friends.

“When you in until today?” she asks, sighing as she rests her chin in her hands, elbows propped against the desk. He can’t help but smile a little at the casualness of the phrase, when he knows full and well she has his shift pattern memorised better than himself. Still, he appreciates the attempt at light conversation. She knows he can get lost in his head sometimes. 

“6. You?”

“Same. Frank’s picking me up.”

Ah, Frank. Alice’s boyfriend. The love of her life. Despite his best efforts to be happy for the two, he can’t help but feel disgusted at the prospect of love. Sure, Alice is happy. But it’s only a matter of time before he disappoints her. Or the other way round.

But it’s not his life. It seems not many people relate to his idea of love either. Proves for a very lonely life. At least it’s better than a painful one. 

Remus frowns a little at Alice’s questioning face. He realises he must’ve missed something she said. She repeats the question, “Want a lift home?”

“Nah. Happy getting the bus.”

After that, they fall into their natural rhythm of things, Alice sorting through returned books while Remus deals with any ‘customer help’ at the desk. Between helping patrons of the library, he returns to his notebook for a while.

As they come to the end of their shift, he says bye to Alice, then gets on the bus. It’s far easier getting the bus anywhere in Brighton than it is driving. Which is lucky for him, seeing as at 22 years old he still hasn’t gotten his driver’s license. 

His flat isn’t that far away from the library anyway, and on a good day he wouldn’t mind walking home. But the monotony of today seems to have struck him a little too much. And walking just seems impossible. The tiredness in his limbs already settled in, unwilling to wait until he’s home. Impatient. Infuriated. 

He makes his way into the flat building, keeping his head down so as not to attract the group of young people gathered by the door. He isn’t expecting any mail so foregoes his locker in favour of walking to the elevator. He huffs when he sees the sign on the door ‘Out Of Service’. So cliche. 

He climbs up the stairs, two at a time, until he reaches the second floor, exhausted. He wiggles his key through the lock, shoving his side against his door. One. Twice. Click.

He sighs tiredly once he gets in, dropping his bag to the floor. He glances at the dishes left by the sink and makes the executive decision to ignore them, instead choosing to drop onto his ratty old sofa. 

Just for one minute, he thinks, as he lets his eyes fall shut, all the tension bleeding out of his body, dripping into the floorboards beneath him.

_Hands gripped at his sides, mouth breathing against his neck. Stay still. Hot blood dripping from his nose. Stay fucking still. Nails digging into palms. I haven’t watered the plants._

Hours later, he finds himself in the same position on the sofa, crick in his neck and throat dry. He jumps out of his skin when he hears banging from the flat next door. This is typical behaviour of the other occupants of this building, but after the strange dream _nightmare,_ he feels slightly shaken. He can never remember the details of these dreams _nightmares,_ but he’s always left with an uncomfortable knot in his stomach. 

He wishes he could find the energy to push himself off of the sofa. Change into some comfier clothes, get into bed. But he’s there on the sofa now. And the thought of having to do anything other than falling back asleep makes Remus feel scared. He settles his mind by pulling out his phone and turning on an alarm for the next morning. There we go - and people have the nerve to say he doesn’t take care of himself. His head is plagued with vicious thoughts as he falls back asleep. 

_Disgusting. Awful. Wilting leaves. Overthinking. Just get up. Pathetic. Ringing._

 _Ringing?_

_My alarm._

Remus groans, the action vibrating through his skull. Dull. Aching. He feels like he had only just closed his eyes. But now it’s time to wake up and do the day all over again. 10-6 at the library. Wednesday.

He looks down at his clothes and shrugs. It’ll have to do. He glances at the kitchen, bottom lip drawn between his teeth as he contemplates whether shoving some food in his mouth is worth the inevitable bile that’ll rise in his throat as he gets the bus. 

He thinks against it. He’ll make dinner tonight instead. He grabs his keys and makes his way out of the door and into work.

Rule number two of REMUS’ PLAN FOR GETTING HIS SHIT TOGETHER is another very simple rule - never look for the good in someone.

He has spent far too much time in his life trying to look for the good in people, and every time it has led to him being either disappointed or in pain. His standards were far too low, and he gave the wrong people too many second chances. One second chance led to another and another until he couldn’t actually remember why he was forgiving the person in the first place. 

Unnecessary pain.

He believes that this is a solid second rule to his plan. He feels that he’s adopted this rule for a while now. It’s worked for him so far. And he has no intentions of changing this plan.

He has no intentions of changing this plan.

_I have no intentions of changing this plan._

He repeats this mantra to himself as he keeps his eyes trained determinedly on the trolley of books beside him. Definitely not looking at the dark head of hair sliding into his peripheral. 

“Don’t suppose you know where I could find a book, do you?” the dark head of hair speaks, prompting Remus to huff and shake his head. The folly of this person reminds him of a distant memory, vague and cloudy, only formed at the edges of a fragmented mind. It’s enough for him to be agitated by the remark, though, and he turns his head to say as much to this dark head of hair.

“I’m busy, go look for someone-” he stumbles over his words just slightly as he takes in the slightly shorter man in front of him. Grey eyes boring into his own, it feels like he is on display, vulnerable and exposed. He doesn’t like the feeling that bubbles up inside him. Dark as it sticks to his sides. It’s suffocating. “-someone else.”

“Not very customer friendly, is it?” Mr Dark Hair teases, leaning against the end of the bookshelf, smiling easily. 

“Just go find someone else.”

“There's no one else around here.” Remus subtly scans the library, taking note of two coworkers in the corner of his eye. He realises in this moment that he is in fact being hit on. This is a rare occurrence, especially from a man as handsome as Mr Dark Hair. Occasionally he will attract the attention of a young, giggly girl, but even then, they are mostly put off when Remus turns to reveal the deep scar drawn across his face. He understands that from the back, he may come across as attractive. Just bordering on the interesting side of mysterious. With tall long limbs hidden behind soft knitted jumpers, and a mop of messy brown hair, he sees how some may perceive him as warm and approachable. He’s in actuality rather surprised Mr Dark Hair has stayed as long as he has. As he surveys his face another time, Remus pays attention to certain features, nose turned up slightly, high cheekbones and pale skin. But those eyes. 

“This section’s organised alphabetically.” he responds bluntly, turning back to his trolley of books. Mr Dark Hair seems persistent though. With a face like that he probably isn’t used to getting rejected, Remus muses, rolling his eyes when he replies.

“I’m Sirius.”

“Ok...and I’m being serious too.”

“No-” Mr Dark Hair laughs, tipping his head back slightly, “my name is Sirius.”

“Oh.” Remus feels rather embarrassed. All the more reason to get rid of this man. Mr Dark- _Sirius_ , he mentally corrects himself, is still smiling brightly, as if Remus just told the funniest joke in the world. He hates it. It’s so fake. Common niceties, a mask put on to lure unsuspecting people to fall victim to emotions. Over a stranger. And Remus hates that a part of him so desperately wants to dive into the fantasy. Maybe this could be their meet-cute. An entertaining story to tell friends. _How did you two meet? Well, it’s a funny story._

But life unfortunately isn’t that fair to people like Remus. No, life chews up and spits out people like Remus, then chews up and spits them out some more when they beg for salvation. Life isn’t kind to people like Remus. And it most certainly does not gift people like… this Sirius man to people like Remus.

“Look. I’m sure you don’t really want a book. Let’s just not waste each other’s time, alright?” Remus continues. His clipped tone must’ve worked because Sirius then backs off, hands up in a placating gesture.

“See you around, library boy.” he says quietly as he turns to leave. Remus notices that as he does so, he picks up a children’s book, flipping it in his hands to read the blurb. He nods to himself, then makes his way over to the self-checkout computers. A very elaborate plan to make it seem like he wasn’t just over here to flirt with a librarian, Remus thinks, but doesn’t dwell on it. Sirius leaves his mind just as quick as he entered it, allowing Remus to carry on with the rest of his shift.

“Awful weather today-”

“Bloody hell, Alice!” Remus grips onto the trolley, attempting to regain his breath, “you’ve got to stop sneaking up on me.”

“I don’t mean to! I have very quiet footsteps!” Alice argues, running a hand through her hair. The front is pulled back with a black headband today, accentuating the soft features of her face. Remus can’t help but feel slightly jealous at the clearness of her skin, so smooth. No sharp lines or angles like Remus’. No, her skin looks silky. Not unlike that Sirius man’s- _wow, where did that come from?_

“What did you want?” Remus asks.

“Was just going to offer you a lift home today. The weather's looking miserable.” 

He looks out the window and sure enough; the sky is a dark grey, rain pouring down. The insistent pattering against the window is annoying. Like someone knocking against a wall in his brain. _Let me in, let me in!!_

“Remus?”

He blinks at Alice, then rubs a hand over his face, sighing tiredly. “Yeah. Yeah, that’ll be nice, cheers.”

“That man didn’t bother you earlier, did he?”

“Oh, no. I think he was... flirting?” Alice’s smile prompts Remus’ eyes to widen, “no I- he was ok but. You know how I am.”

“I really wish you would put yourself out there.”

“I can do just fine on my own.”

“Doesn’t mean you have to.”

Doesn’t mean you have to. 

Remus thinks over what Alice says after she drops him home that evening. 

_Doesn’t mean you have to._


	2. Hot Chocolate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus settles in for another day at the library, unbeknownst to Sirius’ intentions of reappearing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **CW for mild panic attacks, mentions of past abuse and suicidal thoughts.**
> 
> Thank you Jess FleetingPieces for all your help beta-ing and support while writing this chapter <3  
> and samkathleen/lovemeleo for reading it over !

_The sun will rise again tomorrow. It always does._

What a load of horseshit. That’s supposed to be motivational? Remus holds down the little icon on his phone and deletes the app immediately. Inspirational quotes, my arse. He supposes the quote is trying to say ‘no matter how awful your day is, tomorrow’s a new day.’ Remus wishes he could adopt that style of thinking. But he isn’t quite sure if he even registers that he is in tomorrow. Today feels like yesterday. And the day before. And the day before. A never ending cycle. Mundane and monotonous. 

Maybe if he killed himself he could break the rhythm. Lord knows he’s not strong enough to break this pathetic and miserable excuse of a life any other way. Surely this isn’t all that life is made up to be. He keeps finding himself waiting, like he’s edging round the corner, eager to discover what new untouched world is hidden behind. Like fingers curled over the corner of a page. Ready to turn. But he never gets to the end.

Actually, come to think of it…  
He can’t even remember what the story was meant to be about in the first place. But as every day comes and goes, Remus realises that he’s reached the end. Sure, maybe some lesser minded people would fall for life’s trickery. But no, Remus sees right through it. And he still has no energy to do anything about it. The hypocrisy is the thing that frustrates him the most. Tired of his life but too tired to do anything about it. It’s this tiredness that has convinced him that offing himself will be the best option. He just wants to be rid of the absence of feelings that feels like a feeling on its own. He can’t remember when he started seeing his movie as black and white, but he wishes more than anything he could regain the colour. 

The days blur into one. He isn’t sure how many shifts he’s done at the library this week, but as he checks the calendar in the staff room, his heart sinks when he realises it’s only Tuesday. He makes his way over to the counter, turning the kettle on. Librarian perks - endless cups of tea. He grabs his favourite mug, the one with a full moon on the side. No one else dares touch his mug - his heart swells a little at the thought of people knowing to avoid it. It’s such a silly thing but it pleases Remus to know that people know this little quirk about him. 

As he leans against the counter, waiting for the kettle to boil, he mulls over the idea of people knowing lots about him. Maybe he could have a partner one day. Someone who knows him inside out. The thought both excites and terrifies Remus. But then he realises this is a very unlikely scenario. Especially if the plan is one he intends to stick to. _No unnecessary pain, remember?_

He finds it calming standing in the albeit small staff room, away from the chaos- _well_ , as chaotic as a library can get. It’s nice to be away from prying eyes, letting himself take a moment to try and organise his thoughts before the start of the day. Even if it’s in the dingy little room that looks like it’s seen better days. The leaky tap, the fridge door that never shuts properly, the mould forming in the corner of the ceiling that everyone has elected to ignore; all the elements of this room puts his mind at ease just a tad. It’s comforting, almost, acting as a safe space. At least, when no one else is in it. 

He doesn’t notice Alice entering. So it surprises him when he feels a hand touch his shoulder and he jumps, dropping his mug to the floor. The ceramic shatters against the hard floor shocking Remus silent and still. The sound echoing in his mind is like a rubber ball bouncing against the walls of his brain. _Pathetic._

He is thrown into a memory, stumbling back as he feels the stinging heat of a slap against his cheek. _No, no, no, no- hands tied around his back- cold press of the floor tiles against his chest- so cold- dripping- ripping apart- let me go, let me go, let me go-_

“Let me go,” he whimpers, curling in on himself. He vaguely hears a faint voice. Is it calling his name? He frowns, since when were his eyes shut? He opens them and immediately winces at the harshness of the light. It’s so bright that he feels slightly dizzy, struggling as he shifts his weight from foot to foot, unbalanced. 

“Remus.” he sees Alice come into his vision. Fuck. Alice.

“Shit I-” he blinks around, silently thanking the universe that they are the only two in the room. He takes note of his surroundings as he tries to bring himself back down. Leaky tap. Faint slit of light from the fridge door. Mould in the corner. 

“Sit down, Remus.” she says gently, but he doesn’t miss the undertone of concern laced in her voice. He does as told, rubbing his face. 

“Sorry.”

“Don’t apologise.” Remus’ chest feels like it crumbled to pieces. So rattled every time he tries to take a breath, he may as well join the strewn shards of his broken mug on the floor. His throat feels like it’s closing up, like every breath wants to force its way back out of his mouth.

“You want to talk about it?” Alice settles in the seat opposite him, pushing a glass of water over the table. 

He takes the water, sipping slowly. Slow. He’s in control. _I’m in control._ He closes his eyes, focusing on the feel of the cool water as he swallows, pushing past the lump in his throat. He shakes his head. “No.”

“Okay,” she says calmly. Why is she being so patient with him? Why isn’t she shouting at Remus, complaining about dumping this on her? She continues, “why don’t you take today off?”

“I need the money.”

Alice sighs, defeated. He doesn’t mean to be difficult. He wishes he could be the type of person to open up, let everyone around him solve his problems. But that’s exactly where he went wrong before. He won’t let himself fall into that trap again.

“I’ll give you my pay from today.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. Then I’d feel like I owe you.” And then you’ll come back, asking for me to repay the favour and I wouldn’t be able to say no because _you owe me now get on the fucking floor and do what I tell you-_ he shakes himself out of his thoughts again. It’s tricky to stay focused on the present, especially when it feels like _he_ is still there. Looming over him like a black cloud. 

He fails to mention that last part to Alice.

“Fine but- I’m keeping an eye on you today. Take it easy, alright?” She gives him a playfully warning look as she gets up. Remus so desperately wants to smile back, maybe laugh and throw a playful comment back her way. But he finds himself just nodding minutely, then looking back down at his hands, realising they’re trembling pretty badly. Hopefully Alice didn’t notice. Or if she did, at least she doesn’t say anything. 

After a few more moments of regaining his breath, Remus gets up and prepares himself for the start of his shift. Today is going to be a long day. He tugs at the collar of his jumper as he walks past the fridge, pushing the door shut, out of habit. He opens and closes the door behind him, walking into the main seating area of the library, letting the low hum of the atmosphere wash over him. The footsteps muted by the thick flooring, the sliding of books against shelves and tables, pages turning, muffled and quiet mumbles and chattering. The loud screams in his head subside, replaced by a TV static-like fuzz. Less invasive than the screaming but still there.

Remus remembers falling in love with libraries at a very young age; his mum always took him every Friday, after school. While many of the kids his age would play outside, rough and messy, Remus could be found in the corner of the kid’s section, eyes glued to the pages. He took comfort in the familiarity of the light pages under his fingertips, letting himself be drawn into whichever story he was reading that week. If he couldn’t make friends to play with, then at least he could pretend to be the characters in his books. 

He always hated being the quiet kid, would’ve chosen playing out with friends over reading so much any day of the week if he had the choice back then. Later in his life, though, Remus came to realise that the realities in the books he read that he threw himself into were much more enjoyable than real life anyway. Perhaps it was for the better that he stuck to reading. 

He knows the day is shaping up to be a lousy one, but he didn’t expect the next bad thing of the day to happen quite so soon. While he walks to his desk, he misses the man walking straight past him and bumps into him, rather roughly. But that’s not the worst part, no. The man who he just so rudely bumped into is holding a cup of something warm, the contents of which spill all over Remus’ jumper.

Great. Fucking great.

He looks up and internally groans when he recognises the face. Of course it has to be him.

“Holy shit- fuck I’m so sorry!” Sirius waves his hands about, panicked, unsure what to do. Remus just watches as he awkwardly attempts to pat at his jumper, making the mess worse.

 _What do you say to someone who just spilled,_ he smells and the drink registers in his mind, _hot chocolate all over you?_ “No hot drinks in the library.” Remus says lamely, still watching this man in front of him look so utterly helpless. He huffs a laugh at Remus’ comment, smiling sheepishly.

“I’m so sorry, shit. Here- take this.” Remus looks confused as he takes notice of Sirius taking his leather jacket off. What help would a leather jacket be? 

“What the hell are you doing?” he says, perhaps a little too loud, he realises, as he notices the lifted heads of the otherwise quiet patrons of the library, muttering and sharing glances with each other. 

“Oh- I just-” Sirius’s jacket is now off. But he had also taken the jumper he wore underneath the leather jacket off. Now he leaves it hanging between both of them. This one is different, it looks grey and soft. It is cold enough for wearing layers, he supposes. The smell of hot chocolate is still very much there, fills up through his nose without him even needing to inhale. He tries to let a breath out, push out the thick sweetness but it sticks. Isn’t even dripping or sliding down, just sticks. Unrelenting. He feels trapped. He tries again to exhale but nothing; his heart is beating fast, chest lifting up and down as it tries to push it out, _get it out!_

He needs to get out of here. He can feel everything closing in: somewhere in the depths of his cloudy mind a small voice tells him he’s having a panic attack. As if he didn’t realise that already. He opens his mouth to say something but nothing comes out. The lump in his throat is back. It feels like there’s someone breathing down his neck, prickling his skin. Oh no, the drink’s all over Sirius too, look at his shirt. _Look at his stomach._ Has it always been this hot in here? He has to get out, but his feet are stuck, planted to the ground. Is Sirius still talking? God he’s still talking. 

“-And I don’t even know why I was rushing- I- I’m really sorry. Can I make it up to you?”

There’s a moment of silence where neither of them say anything. Sirius’s eyes flit across his face, almost searching for a response. He lifts his hand, then drops it back down. His hair is different today, tied up. 

“No,” is all he can manage to choke out, before he shoves past Sirius, fist clenching and unclenching at his side so he can have something to focus on. He can feel Sirius eyes on his back as he rushes into the staff room, face buried in his hands. He lets himself fall back against the wall as soon as the door closes, sliding down until he’s on the floor. He can’t seem to figure out how to catch his breath; every time he tries to breathe in, the air gets snatched away. Bringing trembling fingers up to his chest, he grasps a handful of his jumper, tugging and tugging, eyes screwed shut. Is he screaming? He doesn’t think so but his throat still feels so dry and the lump is still there, _why won’t it go?_

He feels a hand on his shoulder and swings his arm out, trying to push away all the feelings and thoughts racing around his head. But he stills when he feels his hand connect with something and hears a shout. 

“Fuck!” He opens his eyes and is surprised when he sees Sirius sat in front of him, bringing a hand up to his cheek.

Did he just _punch_ Sirius?! 

Oh god. The only noise Remus can let out is a whimper, still choking on the air caught in his throat, wide eyes stuck on Sirius’.

“Okay- okay, fuck. Can I touch you?”

Remus just keeps staring at Sirius, chest rising and falling. He feels like he’s in the eye of a storm, something about Sirius’ gaze washing him over with a sense of calm. He still can’t get his breathing right, but the screams in his head are a little quieter now. 

“I’m really sorry I have no idea what I’m doing, librarian-” Sirius lets out a nervous chuckle, “I don’t even know your name.”

Between shaky breaths, Remus manages to get out a whisper, “Remus.”

“Venus?”

He chokes on a laugh, eyes watering as he still can’t breathe. He hiccups, trying so hard to inhale deeply but still stumbles over his breaths. “Remus.” he says a bit louder, smiling despite the tears running down his face.

“Oh-” Sirius smiles, softer this time. “Remus. Can I touch you?”

He shakes his head, closing his eyes again. Right now, he just needs to focus on his breathing. Sirius touching him won’t do either of them any good. He’s glad that the panic attack isn’t as harsh as some of the other ones he’s had recently. At least with this one, he’s still coherent and aware of his surroundings. 

He can’t register how much time passes when he finally manages to get a deep breath in, hold it, and let it out again, but he diverts his attention to something else in hopes of preventing a repeat of whatever the hell just happened. He feels a warmth in his stomach. No, not in, _on_. He looks down and cringes at the mess all over his jumper, the wet fabric clinging to his skin. It makes him feel gross. The once _hot_ chocolate is now lukewarm, which somehow makes the whole ordeal a little worse.

Sirius is still there, now with a wet tissue against his cheek that’s bruising pretty rapidly. 

“Sorry.” he says quietly, bringing his knees up to his chest. Sirius waves his hand.

“It’s okay… are you okay?” Remus shrugs, pulling his jumper away from his skin. He remembers Sirius giving him his jumper, and sure enough it’s sitting in a pile on the floor beside him. 

“I’m really sorry about punching you.” Remus says, voice a little worn and raspy. Sirius just laughs. It’s the same as the other day. Eyes bright and head thrown back, the loudness of his laugh filling the room. Filling Remus too. Like pouring water in a glass. He watches as Sirius tugs his hair out of his bun, smiling and assuring Remus _it’s fine, I probably should’ve asked you before_. The water’s overflowing already.

“I’m gonna go change.” he says, pushing himself up from the floor, Sirius following suit. Though Remus doesn’t plan it out quite so well and loses his balance as soon as he gets up, falling into Sirius’ arms. He looks up at him, cheeks most likely very, very red. “Um-”

“Didn’t think you’d fall for me so soon.” Sirius smiles down at Remus, helping him regain his balance. 

Remus’ eyes just widen. His plan certainly didn’t involve this. He opens his mouth to say something but finds himself speechless. 

“Go and get changed.” Sirius laughs and shakes his head at Remus, who picks up the jumper he left on the floor and scrambles out of the room.

He enters the toilets and locks himself in a stall, sighing now he’s finally alone. He brings the jumper up in front of his face, considering. There really is no alternative. Why did it have to be _him_? He really wants nothing to do with Sirius, even more now after this spillage incident. 

That’s a lie. He wishes he could have nothing to do with Sirius, but it’s not outright what he wants. Fucking Sirius with his fucking hair and his fucking shirt. How dare he look so earnest and concerned. He doesn’t _know_ Remus. He doesn’t get to look at him like that. Like- like he means something.

He’s a stranger! He means nothing! He was just being polite, Remus reasons, as he puts on the jumper. _Oh, and of course it’s ridiculously cosy and warm._

He opens the stall and immediately catches his reflection in the mirror. Oh my god, does he really look like that? He steps closer and winces at his own face. Dark circles under his eyes, practically brushed with lack of sleep, bottom lip red from biting and picking at it, hair a complete mess. He can’t remember the last time he actually looked in the mirror, and for once, he’s actually quite glad about that decision. How are people even able to look at him? He feels disgusting. His eyes move down to the jumper. If he wasn’t so skinny, it probably would be a little small, given his height. He supposes he hasn’t eaten much recently, though, so it hangs loose from his shoulders, practically drowning him. He thinks back to only a few minutes ago. He can’t really remember what it looked like on Sirius, but, there’s just something about knowing this is his jumper. It’s… nice.

 _Think rationally, Remus_. He was just being kind. It was the least he could do, given he was the one with the drink. He just did something nice. Remus is but a mere stranger, their interaction forgotten about probably as soon as it happened. He most likely doesn’t even remember meeting him before, his existence so insignificant to those like Sirius. Maybe he will already be gone by the time Remus leaves the toilets, no doubt never coming back. He could always just buy another jumper. Who would want something he’s worn? He looks like he wouldn’t even think twice about buying a new jumper anyway. 

When he walks back out onto the library floor, he feels all eyes on him. In reality it’s only one pair, hidden behind the small glasses of his boss McGonagall, who gestures for him to come over with a nod of her head. “I’m really sorry, someone spilt drink all over me I went to go change-”

“Lupin,” she says calmly. He’ll never understand how she could do that. Her demeanour is so stern and strict but her gentle voice makes Remus want to curl up in a ball and cry. He misses his mum. He supposes her maternal nature is what drew Remus in to her in the first place. She has always looked out for him. Evidently still now. She continues, “thought you wouldn’t want the front desk today.”

She guesses correctly. Remus feels like a mess. He wants as little interaction with people today as possible. “I can sort through account queries at the other desk,” he says, McGonagall nodding her agreement, “usually quiet with the bookmarks over there on Tuesdays.” he mumbles, surprised when she puts a hand on his shoulder. His first instinct is to dip out of the touch but he finds her hand comforting. A weight grounding him.

“Thanks,” he says quietly, ducking his head as he walks over to the smaller desk, in the corner of the library. It’s not the biggest of libraries, with two desks at the front, shelves of books organised into two sections, fiction and non-fiction right at the back, with desks and tables in the middle. On the left-hand side, right in the corner, there’s a children’s section, complete with a soft multicoloured carpet and beanbags. It’s Remus’ favourite part of the library. Every month, he hosts a read-along session where the kids get to choose the book. Most kids sit with their parents, each taking a turn to read a little. But the kids who get dumped by their parents for the hour always gravitate towards Remus, huddling close as he lets them follow the line he reads with his finger. 

The thought of the little kids calms him as he settles down in the chair, starting up the computer. He organises the desk, setting up a basket full of bookmarks and key rings, small tokens for people to purchase. Not many tend to buy them, so he’s grateful for the peace and quiet today. As he waits for the computer to load up, he lets his eyes gaze across the seats. Definitely not looking for one person in particular. His heart skips a beat when his eyes meet Sirius’. He immediately looks down at his desk. Fuck. 

He keeps looking down, probably for way too long. He thanks the universe for when the computer turns on, allowing him to dart his eyes across to the screen. He loads up the system, starting to go through any accounts that have overdue books. He sends automated emails, notifying them that the library will have to issue a fine if they don’t return the book within 2 weeks. He gets so caught up in the work that he frowns when he hears a cough. Loud and so obviously fake. He ignores it the first time, but huffs and turns when he hears it the second time, seeing Sirius, sitting at a table with a large book. His heart feels a little heavy when he notices the bruise on his cheek. He looks at Sirius who looks back at him, schooling a straight face. He lifts up the book in front of his face. Remus has to bite the inside of his cheek in hopes of not laughing - the book is upside down. Sirius peers over the top of the book just slightly, gauging Remus’ reaction. He turns back to his computer. He will not give him the satisfaction of a reaction. _Remember the plan._

After three minutes have passed, _Remus is not counting_ , he feigns casualness as he glances over again. This time, Sirius is frowning in concentration at the book now resting on his desk. He scratches his head comically, as if he’s in a silent film. Fitting for a library, Remus supposes. Sirius lifts the book and this time, it’s the right side up. He then turns the book’s inside pages to show Remus. He squints and recognises the book as The Adventures of Tintin, which is in fact a comic book, the current pages containing only drawings and no writing. Sirius smiles at him, mouthing ‘no words!’

Remus shakes his head, sighing and going back to work. He has a plan in place. Not many people do things out of their own good will, and Sirius will not be the exception to this. There is always a catch to kindness. In his experience, Remus always waits for the other shoe to drop, and every time, it does at some point or another. 

What he can’t seem to figure out, though, is what Sirius’ ulterior motive is here. Why is he doing this, trying to cheer him up? Remus doesn’t deserve this, not after he was quite rude to him earlier. He supposes Sirius must pity him. He’s seen himself, he knows he’s a mess. So what does Sirius want with him? He mulls over this thought as he carries on working. There’s something very soothing about the methodical process he’s currently doing. Like organising these files organises his brain. It’s not enough for him to stop wondering about Sirius. 

He doesn’t have to wonder for long, though, because Sirius is now making his way over.


	3. Paddington

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius keeps coming in to visit Remus at the library.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **CW - light implications of abuse and neglect, mentions of depression and anxiety.**
> 
> thank u jess fleetingpieces for being my beta and support through writing this chapter and letting me scream at u
> 
> thanks tetedump for beta-ing also :)

_“Things are always happening to me. I’m that sort of bear.”_

When Remus is nervous, he doodles. It’s been a thing he’s done for years, something about the scratch of the pen on paper calming him. He’s been absently doodling a drawing of a little bear on his notepad as Sirius makes his way over.

Growing up, Remus’ favourite book was A Bear Called Paddington. Reading the wondrous adventures of the silly little bear fascinated him as a young boy. He was obsessed, in fact. He remembers convincing his mother to buy him a matching hat and suitcase; he has the pictures, most likely stuffed in an old shoebox somewhere, of him posing by the statue of the bear at Paddington Station. He basically wanted to _be_ Paddington, though he could never get behind the marmalade.

Perhaps being neglected by his father when he was younger made him wonder what life could be like if he ran away, was taken in by a family who loved him despite his odd quirks and differences. Like the Browns did with Paddington Bear.

The day the kids chose A Bear Called Paddington for the read-along, Remus’ heart soared. The kids got a good laugh from Remus’ entertaining voices he put on as he read his turns. If his eyes were a bit shiny as one kid left and told him he’d make a perfect Paddington Bear, well, no one else needed to know about that. 

He lets the fondness of the memory spread over his now rapidly beating heart as Sirius walks over, planting his hands on the surface of his desk to get his attention. Remus looks up, absently wondering if Sirius noticed his apprehension and nervousness. He would be surprised if he didn’t; he could write **NERVOUS** in black sharpie across his forehead and it still wouldn’t be as obvious as the look on his face right now. He supposes he may be a tad dramatic, but in this current moment, Remus Lupin is nothing, if not nervous.

He envies Paddington Bear. At least after all the crazy and ridiculous antics he survived, he had a family to come home to. 

“You okay?” Sirius asks, dipping his head a little, conscious of the quiet atmosphere. Remus sighs at the concern on his face, wishing he could fall for this fantasy. Sirius didn’t care. Even if he did, he’d lose interest pretty quickly. Best to nip this in the bud, before he gets too attached.

“Yeah. Fine,” he mumbles, looking down at his notepad. He catches Sirius shuffling around out of the corner of his eye, but keeps his eyes fixed on the desk. 

“Is that Paddington?” he leans over, looking at the little drawing of the bear Remus had sketched earlier.

“Oh. Yeah- you’ve read it?” Remus tries so hard not to smile but he can’t help the little part of him that’s so pleased Sirius recognises it. He supposes it isn’t that hard, most people know Paddington. 

“Yeah, I used to read it with my little brother, he loved him. We always wished-” Sirius trails off, then shakes himself out of it. “Anyway, yeah I love Paddington.”

“Same.” Remus agrees. A silence stretches between the two, neither of them knowing what to say. _See, this is why we don’t talk to people. Right now, we could be working in peace with no distractions. No awkward silences._

Remus remembers what he wanted to ask, but a part of him doesn’t want to say it. It’s so silly, like if he says it out loud he’ll no longer be able to live in this little dream world where he can imagine that people care about him. 

“Why are you-”

“I guess I’ll-”

They both laugh a little, and Remus gestures for Sirius to continue. He wants to hear him laugh again. All happy and content.

“I was just gonna say I guess I’ll leave you alone now.” Sirius looks at Remus, as if expecting him to disagree and ask him to stay. _Remember the plan._

“Yeah, okay.” 

Taken aback slightly, Sirius nods to himself. “Alright then,” he says softly. He turns around but doesn’t begin walking straight away. He stops, like he’s considering turning back and saying something. Remus really wants him to. Silently wishes he would. But he doesn’t. He just keeps walking back to his table where he’s left his bag. 

Remus goes back to his work, totally not thinking about Sirius not even looking at him once he returned to his seat. It’s stupid. He knows he doesn’t care. He doesn’t even know him! _Why is he being like this?_

It isn’t long until Sirius packs up his things and leaves the library. He doesn’t talk to Remus again, but before he goes, he does place a small bit of paper on Remus’ desk. 

He opens his mouth to say something but Sirius doesn’t stop, just hurries out of the place, bag on his shoulder. Remus looks down and opens the folded bit of paper. It just looks like a bunch of scribbles until he looks closer, realising that Sirius has tried to draw a bear. Underneath, there’s some writing. His handwriting is nothing like his scratchy drawing, no, his handwriting is neat and calligraphic. The note says ‘Please look after this bear.’ Remus smiles a little. 

“Who’s that from?”

“ _Alice!_ ” Remus jumps out of his skin, almost throwing the note over his shoulder. Alice just laughs, sliding round to sit on the desk.

“So… who’s the note from?” she picks up the piece of paper, “oh now that’s adorable.”

Remus rolls his eyes, “Sirius. Remember the guy from before?”

“On naming terms already, I see.” Alice teases, only resulting in another eye roll from Remus. He assures her that _‘it’s not like that’_ and gets back to typing away at his computer. 

“It certainly seems _like that to me_ , look he even put a little heart at the end there-”

“What? Lemme see-” Remus snatches the note from her hands and squints at the paper. Sure enough, there was a little heart at the end. 

“Thought it’s not like that.” Alice says smugly, crossing her legs, smile evident that she’s enjoying this. Damn, Alice. How can she read him so well?

Remus glares at her, then lets his eyes drift back to the paper. The note is really sweet. And the drawing isn’t half bad. _Why would he take the time to do this if he doesn’t like me?_

“Who said he doesn’t like you?” Oh. He said that out loud. 

“No one, it's just-” Remus huffs, unable to articulate his thoughts. “He’s _him_. And I’m _me._ ”

“Sorry, Remus, I don’t follow, could you perhaps be a little more cliche?”

“Oh bugger off. I just mean he barely knows me. It’s obvious he wants something or else why is he doing all this stuff?”

“What else has he done?”

“Oh, he spilled a drink on me. Then offered his jumper and helped me come down from a panic attack.” 

“Seems to me like he’s just being a nice guy. Sue him if he’s flirting a little. Have you seen you?”

Remus scoffs, playing with the paper in his hands. “Don’t be ridiculous, Alice.”

“I’m serious!” _No, he is._

Shrugging, Remus stands, “I don’t know. I may never see him again. You gonna go on break?”

Alice nods and they walk together into the break room. Remus tries his best not to let Alice’s thoughts get to him. Even if Sirius was being nice it’d only be to get in his pants, which he very much doubts is the case in the first place anyway. “All I’m saying is it wouldn’t hurt to have a guy in your life.”

“I don’t need a guy in my life, I can cope without one.”

“Oh really? Because you’re coping _so well_ aren’t you?” Alice’s accusatory tone hits him hard, like a knife straight through his gut. But he keeps his walls up high with a mere scoff, avoiding her gaze. 

“Yeah. I’m fine.”

“Yeah. Because ‘fine’ is having two panic attacks in one day.”

Remus’ jaw twitches but he remains silent, bracing for whatever else Alice will throw his way. 

“‘Fine’ is not eating for a week.

‘Fine’ is never sleeping enough.

‘Fine’ is flinching at every sudden sound-”

“I know, alright!” Remus throws his hands up in the air. He knows he’s a mess; he has the great misfortune of spending every waking day of his life in his own body. He’s aware of how much of a fuck up his life is. Doesn’t mean it’s not hurtful when someone else is aware of it too, though. “I know,” he says quieter, sinking down into a seat.

Alice is silent for a while. Remus doesn’t dare look up at her, even though every part of him wants to scream at her, shake her shoulders and shout at her, ask her, just, _please reassure me._

“Then let me help you,” she finally says, reaching over and taking one of Remus’ hands, the coolness of her bracelet bleeding into his wrist. It’s comforting. 

“Having people around isn’t gonna magically fix me,” Remus mumbles. Both to Alice and himself. He can’t just undo years of pain and suffering, as much as he’d like to. Besides, no one would willingly choose to spend time with him. 

“It won’t. But it’s a good start.” Her tone is softer now. Gentler. Remus continues to look down. As much as he wants to let Alice in, he’s scared. It feels like his brain is already filled to the brim with so many thoughts that if he lets even one person in, it’ll all come spilling out. All the ugly thoughts and mangled feelings, all of it rushing out and it’ll overwhelm Alice and she’ll go. She’ll go and she’ll leave Remus there to sweep up the dredges of his mind and heart, piling them all back in, shoving them deep behind the door then locking it. 

Maybe he should just throw away the key now. Keep himself locked, that way no one can hurt him. 

“I really wish you would let me in, Remus. Contrary to the thoughts pumping through your head, I really do care about you.” Her voice is practically a whisper at this point. Hushed and sincere.

“Thanks Alice. I-I’ll try.”

Alice smiles, “That’s all I ask.” She claps her hands together. “Right. We need a plan of action for when Mr. Dreamy comes back.”

“We don’t even know if he’s coming back.”

“Yes we do,” Alice grins. At Remus’ confused look, she just grins even wider. “Because you need to return his jumper.”

The next few days go by in a blur. Remus is thankful for the quiet, though he can’t lie and say he wasn’t keeping an eye out for one person in particular. And was very disappointed when the fifth day passed and he still hadn’t appeared. In all fairness, Remus didn’t work during the weekend, but even Monday, there was no Sirius.

Though he isn’t surprised, Remus still slumps down in his seat at the desk, internally groaning when he checks his watch to see that it’s only been an hour into his Tuesday shift, the minute hand just passing the 9 o’clock mark. He envies the little cogs in his watch. They work perfectly, synchronous and regimented. No faults or failures, just one goal that is set out and achieved every time. Remus was like that. Cogs and gears turning in harmony, no distractions or little snags in the system. That is, of course, until the spanner in the works that is Sirius waltzed into his life with those grey eyes and sleek black hair and the way he-

The way he walks… 

Wait, _he’s walking through the entrance_. 

Remus ducks under the desk before Sirius gets a chance to see him. He feels like such an idiot, but he really wasn’t expecting to actually see him today, heck, ever again. Now he has no idea what to do, stuck on the floor, chair still swivelling from where he rushed off of it. He takes a breath, and counts to ten. On ten, he peeks his head up over the desk, only to come face to face with Sirius peering at him quizzically, head tilted a little.

Remus smoothes a hand over his shirt, which is totally not creased from wearing it yesterday, as he stands up, holding Sirius’ gaze.

“I dropped a pen.” 

Sirius raises an eyebrow. “Where’s the pen?” He asks, looking down at Remus’ empty hands. 

Fuck. He has him there. Remus tries to keep his composure, shrugging. “Lost it.”

“So you’ve lost your pen.”

“Yup.”

“Or…”

“Or…?”

“Or, maybe you were just avoiding me.”

“Yeah I- wait- why’d I be avoiding you?”

“I don’t know, maybe you fell in love with my jumper and didn’t want to return it.” Sirius grins cheekily, tongue poking his inner cheek. 

Remus scoffs, “Sure, yeah that’s what happened.” He sits back down, elbows resting on the desk, internally panicking when he realises he has left Sirius’ bloody note right by his computer.

“Hmm. It’s one of two logical explanations.” 

“And what’s the other explanation?”

“I don’t know, you wanted to… freshen up in hopes I’d visit you today.”

“Freshen up,” Remus says dryly, heart plummeting faster than Kermit jumping from the building in that one video.

“I didn’t mean- like-” Sirius’ eyes widen, hands up in a placating gesture, “I just meant- well-” he stutters, then sighs, his expression indecipherable as his eyes soften, flitting over Remus’ face. Is he pitying him? Insulting him?

“You look tired.”

What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

“Thanks,” Remus huffs, looking down.

“It wasn’t a-” Sirius waves a hand around, “I think you look great. I just… am worried about you.”

“You don’t even know me.”

“I’d like to.”

“Well I-” Remus pauses at that, his brain only just catching up with what Sirius just said. He finds himself rendered speechless, brain empty with no suggestions for a reply except for a stilted _cheers_ or simply ignoring the statement completely. He goes with the latter. There’s no reason to address it. If he cared that much, he’d have come by sooner.

At this thought, Remus comes to the realisation that unlike his own, people’s lives do not revolve around the library. And they most certainly have much better things to do with their time; common ‘people’ things like meet up with friends after work, travelling, heck, even eating. Not only does Remus never feel in the mood to eat, but he also never has the time to even attempt it. By the time he’s returned home from work, he is sufficiently tired that nine times out of ten, he’ll fall asleep on the bloody sofa. 

Remus doesn’t quite understand how people find all the time in their day. He feels like he’s constantly waiting until the next time he can sleep, trapped in a perpetual loop of exhausting life. He’s convinced that some people are magic, perhaps they use a sort of device to turn back time, giving them however many more hours they desire. What on earth they want to do with all this time still baffles him. Remus barely wants to exist as it is. 

A hand brushing his own brings him back to reality, and he now sees that Sirius is leaning over to take his note. Damn, of course he noticed.

“Pretty good drawing if you ask me. Who gave it to you? Some devastatingly handsome man I’m guessing?” Sirius raises both eyebrows, corners of his lips tugging upward, tongue in his cheek again. Remus notices a small dimple on his right cheek that appears just faintly when Sirius smiles, creasing the otherwise smooth and clear porcelain skin. It’s rather distracting. He wants to run a finger over it. 

“Oh just some guy. Keeps coming in to bother me, and he doesn’t even buy anything. I really ought to kick him out.”

“ _Hey!_ I buy stuff!”

“Name me one thing you’ve bought.”

“... your time?”

“My time?!” Remus says incredulously, shaking his head. “Not good enough, Sirius.”

Sirius smiles brightly. “You said my name.”

“And?”

“You’ve never said my name before.”

“We’ve met three times.”

“Keeping count, are we?” At Remus’ sputtering, Sirius continues, “don’t worry, so am I,” he winks, leaning forward to rest his forearms against the desk. Remus despises his oh-so-casual demeanour, smooth responses rolling off his tongue, as if he’s said them a thousand times before. Or maybe Remus just brings it out of him. _No._ He berates himself. _You’re not special, you’re just convenient._

“Are you gonna buy something, then?” Remus asks, impatient, to which Sirius replies with a quiet sigh.

“Fine,” he grabs a bookmark from the basket, placing it in front of Remus.

“It’s ten pence.”

Sirius fishes change out of his pocket, placing a ten pence coin on the counter, sliding it across to Remus, who exchanges the coin for the item.

“You like the choice?”

Remus takes proper notice of the bookmark then. Oh. It’s a Paddington one. He hates himself for the blush that appears on his cheeks, and the fact that there’s no way Sirius hadn’t already seen it. Remus can only nod, trying to shove his heart back down after leaping up into his throat. 

“Well. I’ll see you around, th-”

“Where were you?” Remus blurts out, immediately clamping his mouth shut. Why does he have no filter around this guy? 

“Hm?”

“Where- um- you weren’t here… the past few days.” Remus’ blush darkens. He wishes he never said anything now.

“Oh! Got caught up with Har.”

 _Har? A friend?_ He guesses. _Or maybe a boyfriend?_

“Oh… cool,” Remus nods, and Sirius does too. He really doesn’t want him to leave, but he can’t think of anything else to say. He scours his brain for something, anything to say to get him to stay. “Did you find everything you were looking for?” 

Okay, anything but that.

Sirius laughs, “Yeah. I found everything.”

“So you came here just to buy a bookmark?” Remus says with a frown. 

“Not really.”

“What did you even come looking for, then?”

“You.”

“Oh.” 

Remus’ reaction only spurs on Sirius’ laughter, and Remus finds himself laughing along too, because, honestly, he wasn’t expecting that at all. 

“Okay, I’m actually gonna go now,” Sirius says, smiling brightly, and Remus nods, hiding his face in his hands. Before Sirius turns to go, though, he pauses a moment, and Remus is about to ask him what’s the matter, but he then just tilts his head and says,

“You’re funny, Remus. I’ll see you around.”

He watches as Sirius walks out of the library, waiting at the door to let someone through, then grinning and thanking them when they hold the door open for him. Remus finds himself still staring at the spot where he was, long after he had gone.

He is so screwed. 

It feels like Remus blinks and he’s back at the library again, stacking books on shelves. While he’s usually at the desk, Wednesdays are typically less busy, so he’s puttering around doing odd jobs here and there. Alice took the day off, which means he’s alone with his own thoughts today, something that is both reassuring and terrifying. 

Unlike the happenings of the day before, Remus’ night was pretty uneventful once he got home. He made himself some pasta, proceeded to eat two whole mouthfuls before putting his fork down, deciding he was full and went to bed, and slept surprisingly well. It had absolutely nothing to do with him sleeping curled up to Sirius’ jumper, it just so happened to be thrown onto the bed when he got in it. 

Jumper aside, Remus is rather confused about the whole ordeal with Sirius, though he supposes he is very acquainted with confusing feelings. Even if the part of him that fears Sirius will never return is a little smaller after their interaction yesterday, it’s still very much there, like an itch at the back of his head he can’t quite reach. 

“I’ve never read that one.”

“ _Fuck me!_ ” Remus drops the book in his hand, the thud jumping him out of his thoughts. _What is it with people sneaking up behind him?!_

He crouches down, picking up the book from the floor. He takes notice of the black boots in front of him, following the sinfully tight dark jeans and white t-shirt, black leather jacket bracketing broad shoulders as he stands up, putting a face to the body. “Sirius- sorry, you scared me.”

“I probably should’ve said hi or something first,” Sirius smiles sheepishly, running a hand through his hair. It’s down today, sitting just above his shoulders, and Remus wonders how it can look so wavy but sleek at the same time. Not fluffy, like Remus’, though it does look soft. 

“That’s ok, I’m just-” Remus waves a hand vaguely, “jump-y.”

“Noted.” Sirius huffs a laugh, taking the book from Remus’ hands, “where does this one go?”

“Oh, um- there.” Remus points, and Sirius places the book on the shelf. “No- um-” he points again, but Sirius still isn’t putting it in the right place. Remus, without even thinking, puts his hand on Sirius’ wrist, guiding it to where the book is meant to go.

“There,” he utters softly, eyes meeting Sirius’ as he puts the book away, still holding his wrist. Sirius brings his hand up, placing it over Remus’ and pulling it off of his wrist, tangling their fingers together. Remus is stunned silent, taking in a shaky breath as Sirius squeezes his hand. He gulps, clearing his fuzzy head enough to pull his hand away, turning back to the trolley of books. Resorting once again to his default customer service comments, he clears his throat, “can I help you find anything?” 

“We still pretending I’m coming here for bookmarks?” Sirius asks, stopping the trolley that Remus started rolling past him. 

“Y-you’re not?” Remus looks at Sirius again, past his shoulder. He wonders how someone that little bit shorter than him can make him feel so incredibly small. 

“I said yesterday, didn’t I?” Sirius asks gently.

“I-I suppose you did, yes.” Remus ducks his head in an attempt to hide his blush. It seems that all he does around Sirius is blush.

“So…”

“So…” Remus agrees, but continues to roll his trolley, Sirius following behind him. He tries his best to not let his smile take over his face, but Sirius seems to be making it very difficult. 

“You gonna let me ask you out on a date, then?” Sirius asks, the question making Remus stop in his tracks. Sirius, however, doesn’t catch the memo and stumbles into Remus’ back, the metal bar of the trolley whacking into the bone of his hip, immediately throbbing in pain.

“Ah fuck!”

“Oh god, I’m sorry” Sirius straightens himself up, walking around to face Remus. “You swear a lot, huh?”

“Only when hot guys stumble into me.” 

“Ah, so you admit I’m hot?”

Remus huffs, shaking his head. “Leave me be. I’ve got work to do.”

“So I’ll take it as a ‘yes’ for the date?”

“Maybe.” Remus acquiesces, throwing a hesitant smile over his shoulder when Sirius shouts,

“I’m holding you to maybe!” 

Remus laughs a little as he wheels off to the next shelf, busying himself with organising the books. Sirius thankfully leaves him alone, giving him some time to reflect over their ridiculous encounter.

In all honesty, Remus has no idea what he’s doing or if he should even say yes to the date. He still can’t quite believe that Sirius was so forward about the whole thing. He knows he should really say no, his brain screaming at him, _remember the plan!!_ But there’s something about Sirius that’s so enticing. He can’t help but be pulled in. His kind and gentle voice, how soft his skin felt under his fingertips, how concerned he looked the other day…

What’s the harm one date could do?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the late update i hope this kinda makes up for it. i’m planning on trying to update every 2 weeks at the most but it may be sooner. don’t hold me to that, though!! 
> 
> come see me on tumblr! inloveoknutzy


	4. Stars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank u jess fleetingpieces for all your help once again with this chapter. ily <3
> 
> **CW:**  
>  **mention of food**  
>  **light mention of eating disorder**  
>  **mention of death**  
>  **all are very brief and don’t go into much detail**

The rest of the day goes by, for the most part, uneventful, with Remus busying himself with work and Sirius—quite respectfully he has to admit—leaving him be. Despite the reassurance that Sirius is in fact interested in taking him on a date, Remus can’t help but feel disheartened at his distance; though he supposes he can’t be that mad given he was the one to insist he leaves him alone to work. 

As he organises more books on the shelves, Remus absently wishes Alice were here to give her view on the whole ordeal. Although, he can guess her answer pretty easily. Can even picture the surprise on her face as she says “ _Remus what are you doing here, go say yes to the bloke for god’s sake!_ ”

But then again, in the grand scheme of things, Alice knows very little about Remus, so her opinions aren’t much use to him. Would Remus even consider her a friend? More a work colleague than anything, isn’t she? It’s expected of her to be polite and vice versa, making the long hours go by a little quicker. It would become awkward rather quickly if Alice was rude to him, wouldn’t it?

Remus continues this train of thought as he moves onto the next section of books. His attempts at rationalisation don’t make him miss Alice any less, however. 

He internally sighs as he arrives at the non-fiction section, preparing himself for a very boring rest of his day. While Remus is very knowledgeable, his interest in non-fiction books only extends so far. He much prefers to use reading as means of escapism, throwing himself into whatever reality is written on the pages. He wonders what types of books Sirius likes. Whether he even reads at all. 

Remus falls back into his rhythm, returning books on shelves, the familiarity of their weight grounding him. Even as a kid, he loved the feelings of tomes in his hands, forewent teddy bears in favour of carrying around his favourite books, which were more often than not Paddington. Looking back now, perhaps that was why he had no friends…

He wonders why he’s reminiscing about a past friend-less life when it’s still very much applicable now. Despite his parents’ assurances, Remus found that as the years went on, it was very unlikely he was going to obtain friends. He learned to enjoy his own company, irritable as he can be sometimes. _At least I don’t carry around books anymore_ he thinks, then almost bursts out with laughter when he realises he’s in fact a librarian, pretty much holding books for a living. 

He looks down at the one currently in his hands, titled:

Galaxies: Inside the Universe’s Star Cities

Flipping over to the blurb, he reads the author asking ‘Have you ever wanted to explore the Milky Way?’ and other equally ridiculous questions. Remus doesn’t see the appeal in wanting to read the night sky, nor is he interested in learning any of the meanings or stories behind it. His mother once told him that his life was laid out in the stars above him. That everything happened for a reason and the universe had a plan for him. Remus so desperately wanted to believe her, reached up to the sky with his little arms and tried to clutch onto the stars, pulling them down, laying them to rest in his chest. It felt like hope and happiness wrapped into one, spread out from dot to dot, connecting and filling him up with life. _The universe chose him. They wanted him. They had everything planned out just for him._

Then his mum died.

And it felt like someone grabbed a hammer and split a big crack in the sky, a dark blanket covering the tiny specks of light that seemed bigger before. He never was able to fully grab onto the stars even as a kid, but somehow they were further out of his reach once she had gone. Like he was catching onto nothing, the air escaping his fingers as he closed his fist, the emptiness beginning to seep into him, deep, settling in his bones. The dots were no longer connected. Dimming as they drifted apart. Maybe they were still there somewhere, but Remus found he was too tired and too empty to bother reconnecting the once bright specks of light. He wanted to believe his mum. Wanted to believe so bad.

But how could he believe the universe had a plan for him when he looked up at the stars and felt so completely and utterly alone. 

Remus wishes he could say that he feels different now. That, yeah, he did feel empty and sad but that was a long time ago. He’s a changed man now. But if he focuses just right, he can still feel the drifting of stars in his chest, still losing light after every tiny failure. There are some more recent moments that spark a little light, flickering, hopeful, but they are short lived. Dying down as quick as they light up. 

He hates destiny. And fate. How can he believe that everything happens for a reason when so many bad things have occurred in his life. The bad things were a result of the mistakes he made, not because of some weird cosmic thing. Life isn’t forgiving but neither is it predetermined. It’s controlled by you and only you. Remus has difficulty grasping onto the thought that only he can control his life. But he certainly doesn’t look up to the stars for answers anymore. 

Remus likes to think that if everything were written in the stars, and his life was up to fate, then maybe the universe would be a little more kind to him. 

Or at the very least, bring him something as a sign. A little reminder. Telling him that things were going to get better. To keep riding it out. It’ll be worth it.

But that isn’t the case. 

Because nothing is up to the stars. 

Signs don’t exist. And if they do, Remus hopes that he’d have received some by now. 

“Can’t stop thinking about me?”

“Holy fucking shit!” Remus swings around, coming face to face with Sirius, who’s smiling, amused. He puts a hand to his chest, regaining his breath. “You _need_ to stop doing that.”

Though Sirius only continues to grin, leaning over to read the book in his hand, head close to Remus’. So close that he can smell what must be coconut shampoo in his hair. It’s sweet and soft, smelling just as he imagines his hair would feel. His breath catches in his throat as Sirius turns to face him, probably a little too close. Remus fights the urge to clear his throat, instead choosing to very eloquently say,

“Huh?”

Sirius laughs that big bright laugh. A laugh that not even grumpy Remus can resist. He wonders what it would be like, to be with someone so bright and lively as Sirius. “I said even when I’m not here you can’t help but be drawn to me,” he says. 

“I-I’m not sure I follow.”

Sirius points to the book in his hands, and at Remus’ confused expression, continues, “Sirius… like the star?”

“Ohhh- is that what you’re named after?” 

Sirius smiles and nods, their faces still very close. If Remus pays enough attention, he can see one small mole just to the right of his eyebrow. Huh. He takes note of the little dimple on his right cheek again. 

“You smile a lot,” Remus remarks, blushing when he realises what he just said. Instead of teasing him, though, Sirius only smiles more.

“Well, you make me smile.” 

“I do?”

“Of course you do.”

Remus looks down, hiding his smile behind his hand. “Well- um- you’re welcome… then?” He internally cringes. _What the fuck am I saying?!_

Sirius laughs again, “You make me do a lot of things,” he admits. Remus has no idea what that could possibly mean. He thinks better of asking and instead points to the flyer in his hand. 

“What’s that?”

“Oh, I saw that you guys do a read-along thing here. I was thinking of coming to one.”

“It’s for kids.”

“Yeah, I know, I was gonna bring Har along.”

_Why does that make it okay? What is up with him and this friend, Har?_

“... Is he okay?”

Sirius smiles, as if thinking wistfully of this Har guy. “Yeah he’s a little crazy. Love him to bits though.”

“Oh… okay…” Remus is all types of confused. What about a kids read-along is appealing to two grown men? Perhaps this is all an elaborate ruse, a trick to humiliate Remus. Or maybe, he is overthinking once again and Sirius just wants to spend more time with him. _But why bring his friend?_

“Will I see you there?” Sirius asks.

“Yeah, I- I usually run them.”

“Oh, great!”

Remus nods and turns back to the shelf, getting on with work. Though the conversation is dying down, Remus finds he doesn’t mind the silence that stretches between the two of them. He can’t help but wonder if he is going to bring up the date again. God knows Remus is way too shy to do it himself. 

“So…” Sirius trails off.

Remus raises an eyebrow, turning to face him. 

“You know if you wanna go on a date with me yet?”

He looks back at the bookshelf, trying to keep his blush at bay. Ducking his chin to his chest, he brushes at the shelf absentmindedly, flicking away a speck of dust as he smiles to himself, heart beating wildly in his chest. “Ask me again tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow?”

Remus doesn’t have to turn around to know that Sirius is smiling too. “Yep. Tomorrow,” he says quietly, trying to put all of his focus on the bookshelf. Or at least, making it seem like that. He gasps a little when he feels a hand on his arm. The warmth of the touch bleeding through his jumper, settling against his skin and in his bones. You wouldn’t think the weather is cold outside by the way Remus feels right now. It takes everything in him not to lean into the hand. 

He turns to face Sirius again, heart skipping a beat when he realises he didn’t look away the whole time Remus had his back to him. Very slowly and carefully, making sure Remus has enough time to say ‘no’, Sirius leans forward and presses a soft kiss to his cheek.

Remus’ breath hitches, eyes casting downward as he brings a hand up to his cheek, where Sirius just kissed. 

“Something to remember me by,” he says softly, causing Remus to huff a small laugh. 

“I’m literally seeing you tomorrow.”

“That’s a long time,” Sirius argues defensively; his grin gives him away.

“You’re ridiculous.”

“You like it.” 

Remus doesn’t agree. Equally, he doesn’t disagree. What he does do, however, is bring a hand up, brushing a strand of hair out of Sirius’ face, tucking it behind his ear. He revels in the softness of the hair under his fingertips, smiling when he sees how nervous Sirius now looks. It’s fun and reassuring to know he feels the same as Remus. “Tomorrow?” he asks quietly, and Sirius confirms,

“Tomorrow.”

Tomorrow.

_Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow._

It’s the only thing he can think of as Remus returns to his flat in the early evening, heart soaring and head light. Maybe things are looking up. Remus is very conscious that he doesn’t want to fall too fast, but with Sirius, it feels different. He feels different.

 _That’s what you said about Fenrir._ A small, taunting voice in the back of his head reminds him. And he scolds himself for getting too caught up in the giddiness of Sirius’ company. 

_You’re just being like this because he’s giving you attention_. He reasons in his head. He doesn’t actually like you, you just happen to be there right now.

It’s like he said before. He’s convenient.

As is common practice for Remus, he finds himself mulling over this thought as he turns on the stove. He can’t remember the last time he made a proper meal, and if he can use his newfound energy to cook enough pasta to last him the next couple of days, maybe he will be able to maintain this energy. He knows it’s wishful thinking, but who knows, maybe things are looking up a bit. 

After eating what he believes is a substantial amount of pasta—still not nearly enough as he should eat—the rest of Remus’ night consists of thoughts and dreams of Sirius, interrupted by the occasional rational thought, screaming at him to _stop falling so quickly!_

It’s a fun balancing act, one that tires him out pretty quickly. He surprises himself when he falls asleep and _stays_ asleep for the whole night, something that Remus can’t even remember the last time it happened. It’s equal parts interesting and terrifying. While he is thankful for the restful sleep, it’s disconcerting, having been used to his routine of dark plagued thoughts and nightmares ridding him of any peace. 

He has plenty of time to consider the reasons behind his uninterrupted night of sleep, though, as today, his shift begins a little later than usual. It gives him some extra time to get ready, telling himself he’s using it to have a shower and feel good, _not_ to impress Sirius.

 _It’s not to impress Sirius._ He repeats as he plays with his hair in the mirror, trying to fluff it just so. He looks over himself and his comfortable brown knitted jumper. _Not too shabby._

It is with a hopeful heart that Remus walks from the bus stop to the library, intending on accepting Sirius’ offer of a date. While he is still very hesitant about opening himself up, there’s something about Sirius that makes him feel like maybe it’ll be worth it. Plus, it’s only one date. It’s not like he’s agreeing to take his hand in marriage. He likes to think that Sirius is a good enough man to respect his wishes if he didn’t want to pursue further anyway.

He runs a hand through his hair, checking his reflection in the door before walking through, biting his lip in hopes of stopping the giddy smile spreading across his face. It feels so rare that he gets moments like these, where he feels so light and— he doesn’t want to say happy, but it’s close to that. 

He chooses not to dwell on the thought, instead soldiering on through the library, only stopping when he sees Sirius, standing at the desk at which Alice is sitting. He frowns, heart sinking when he sees her laugh, tipping her head back as Sirius leans closer, easy smile on his face. He says something Remus can’t pick up on, but it sends Alice into another fit of laughter, bringing her hand up to cover her mouth.

Remus knows that smile. He has seen it on Sirius’ face before, on the times he was pretty sure Sirius was flirting. Only those times, it was directed at him. 

He should know better by now. Remus is the one who made the poor judgement of believing he was special to Sirius. 

But it’s like he said to himself. 

He’s just convenient.


	5. Shop Signs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus leaves the library, defeated and upset. He stumbles into a new and unexpected friendship that gives him a little insight and perspective. Will everything work out?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **CW for anxiety attack, suicidal thoughts, mention of past abuse, nightmares.**
> 
> thank you jess my love fleetingpieces for beta-ing i’m forever grateful <3

Remus pulls the phone out of his pocket and fumbles around, trying to type the words onto the screen, but he can barely see through his very quickly watering eyes. He gulps, trying to blink away the tears, blindly stumbling out of the library, back onto the street. 

He types out a very blunt message to Alice, reading ‘Sick day not in.’ He hopes she’ll understand and relay the message to McGonagall. He really doesn’t want to think about losing his job on top of making a complete and utter fool of himself by believing Sirius actually liked him. 

_I wrote the plan for a fucking reason_ , Remus thinks to himself as he continues walking, _and you couldn’t even stick to it at the first sign of attention._

His thoughts tangled along with vague lines of _you’re pathetic_ and _there’s no point in living anymore,_ though Remus is surprised when the spiralling thoughts do not send him down a numb path where he resorts to feeling empty with nothingness. Instead, he finds his reaction quite the opposite, the thoughts fuelling something that settles low in his stomach. Then begins to bubble and rise, like acid, eating him up from the inside. His hands go to his throat, and he vaguely registers that the feeling is panic. 

This realisation only panics him further, and he worries that he’s drawing attention to himself in the busy high street. The thought is short lived, and is soon taken over by a culmination of more anxieties, all intertwining, stretching and pressing up against each wall of his brain. 

The telltale sign of a panic attack then strikes him, as he struggles to bring air into his lungs. He tries to focus his mind onto inhaling. Once. Twice. Thrice. No luck. He feels that lump in his throat again. 

He hasn’t been giving much attention to his surroundings, and he realises probably a step too late that he should watch where he’s going. He stumbles into a chalkboard sign, the wooden legs clambering to the floor, bringing Remus along with it. 

This seems to only spur on his whizzing thoughts, spinning around in circles, while his heart beats a mile a minute. If he were in a cartoon, there’d be little birds flying around his head. He’s not in a cartoon, though, and he still can’t breathe. _What if this is how I die?_ One voice in his head usefully supplies, as he looks up at the sky, lying on the pavement in a mess. He feels the broken leg of the sign digging into his back, and his brain stores that as another thing that feels completely wrong in Remus’ world right now. 

It feels like someone put the most jarring song on repeat, then proceeded to play the same song a few seconds later, laying them on top of one another in a canon of loud, screeching noises. Again, and again, and again until his head feels fit to explode. 

He tries to focus on one thing but it proves to be very difficult given he’s in an unfamiliar environment with many things that go by too quickly for Remus to even consider choosing one to use as a focal point.

“Oi!”

It seems that he doesn’t have to make a decision, because he then feels a hand around his wrist and is pulled up to his feet. He stands in front of a lady, quite a bit shorter than him. If he wasn’t so occupied with the impending doom of his own thoughts, he might remark on her long red hair, or her striking green eyes, or even her eccentric —but stylish— outfit.

Instead, though, he continues to choke on his own breath, looking at this woman desperately with wide eyes, hoping to convey his panic. To his luck, she seems to understand (or at least, understand _enough_ ) and before he knows it, he’s being pulled through what he can only assume is the redhead’s shop.

Everything kind of goes by in a blur, and it isn’t long until Remus calms down, coming back to himself. He looks around and thinks he must be in a back room of sorts, taking note of the many stacks of boxes directly opposite him. Most of them have reference numbers written on them, along with descriptions of clothing. He takes in a deep breath, holds it, then lets it back out, repeating this a couple times, until he sits back in his chair, satisfied that he’s not completely mad in the head. 

“You alright?”

“Bloody hell!” Remus jumps, turning in his seat to see the red headed woman again. He gets up, clearing his throat. “Yeah- yeah. Cheers.”

She raises an eyebrow, hand on her hip, “you owe me a sign.” 

Remus groans, burying his face in his hands, “I’m so sorry.”

The woman laughs, “I’m only messing. Please- sit, if you’d like,” she walks around, perching on a stack of boxes.

Remus, feeling rather odd and awkward, obliges. Her request seems more of an order than anything, and he almost says as much. But something about this woman makes Remus feel compelled to do exactly as she says. 

“I’m Lily.”

“Remus.”

Lily bursts out laughing, something that Remus has become accustomed to when revealing his monstrosity of a name. She quickly recovers, hand brought up to her mouth. She apologises, still grinning, and Remus only waves her off, 

“Wouldn’t worry, I’m used to it. Besides,” he sniffs, “would rather Remus than a boring name like Lily anyway.”

“Ha!” Lily huffs, surprised, though her grin is intact. She points at him, “I like you already. Peculiar name and all.”

Remus lets himself smile, the hilarity of his day catching up to him, before Lily continues as an afterthought, “I’m not at all surprised though.”

Remus frowns in confusion, and she explains further, “I have a bit of a knack for collecting friends with peculiar names. I really ought to make bingo sheets…” she runs a hand through her hair, considering this thought. 

Remus smiles, holding back a laugh himself. See, he thinks, _I don’t need Sirius - I can make my own friends just fine_. A pang of hurt twists in Remus’ stomach at the thought of Sirius. And he internally groans when he realises he must face the feelings of today. While he’d much rather curl up in a ball and never think about him again, his face keeps appearing in his mind. 

And who can blame him, Sirius is gorgeous. Far too gorgeous to be kept just for Remus. He knows that now. Was very foolish in thinking he could keep Sirius for himself.

You’d be mad not to notice someone like Sirius. Remus, on the other hand, tends to go by more… under the radar if you will. He forgot for a moment, how utterly remarkable Sirius is. How very different he is from Remus. He’s most likely very used to getting a lot of attention.

Now, thinking about it, Remus supposes he made the mistake of thinking Sirius was like him. Where meeting someone was a rarity. 

Lily must have caught the change in his demeanour, because the next thing she says is,  
“What’s up?”

“Oh, something happened this morning. I-um… I feel pretty stupid about it, actually,” he admits. Remus surprises himself at his sudden openness with Lily. Perhaps it’s just her nature, making him feel very uncharacteristically at ease. _Just like Sirius_ his mind whispers inconveniently. 

“No judgement here.” Lily holds her hands up, “especially after your little trip with my sign.”

Remus huffs, “I won’t tell you if you keep bringing that up.”

Lily only smirks. Remus feels like they’ve been friends forever. “I apologise. Continue.”

“So I kinda like this guy.” Remus watches Lily’s face, gauging for any reaction on that detail. When she shows no such signs of disgust, he continues, “and I didn’t realise there wasn’t any meaning behind his flirting. Is a bit of a ‘ladie’s man’ I suppose…” he trails off.

Lily hums, “That’s shit. So you saw him flirting with someone else?”

Remus only nods. He rubs his face, tired. “God, this feels so spectacularly odd. Sorry, I don’t know why I’m dumping all this on you.”

“Because you’re my friend?!” Lily looks at him as if he just grew another head.

“I- we barely know each other!” Remus sputters. 

“Well,” Lily says haughtily, “I see you’re very selective in your choosing of friends. What’s the criteria, then?”

“Criteria?”

“Yeah. What’ve I gotta do to be your mate, Remus?” 

When Remus doesn’t reply, Lily only looks at him, eyebrow raised expectantly. He huffs, then mumbles, “I suppose you are my friend, then.”

“Sorry what was that, can you speak up?” Lily grins, leaning forward and cupping a hand round her ear. 

“We can be friends.” Remus blushes.

“That’s what I thought,” Lily jumps to her feet, a smug smile on her face. As she takes his hand and pulls him up to stand as well, Remus takes more note of her appearance now he isn’t in the middle of a panic attack. 

She stands a great deal shorter than him, but as Remus looks at Lily, he has no doubt that she makes up for a lack of height in her no-bullshit manner. 

“Gimme your phone number,” she says, handing over her phone, “so I can make sure you get home alright. Don’t want you bumping into any more signs on your way back.”

Remus groans, typing his number in, “You’re really gonna have to let that go.”

“Nope! It’s fresh, Remus, let me tease,” she grins, and Remus can’t help but match it, smiling himself.

***

Walking back home, Remus only feels slightly better about the whole Sirius situation; he hoped that meeting Lily would have lifted his mood more, but as he unlocks the door to his flat, he realises it only served as a temporary distraction. 

Soon enough, the pain bubbles up again, he can almost feel the energy spilling out of him, floating up in the air. He wishes he could be angry, wishes he could smash some things, maybe break a plate. But he only feels tired. Exhausted, actually. 

He put so much energy into this- - whatever he could call it with Sirius. It was stupid. He knows that now. Isn't quite sure what came over him, really. But now, as he lies down on his sofa, not even bothering to take off his shoes, he wishes he had a stronger mindset. Maybe then, he wouldn’t get hurt so much.

_But maybe feeling pain is just the way I’m built._

This thought strikes a nerve, and Remus surprises himself when he begins to cry. At first, only a few tears, along with little sniffles. He then wipes his eyes, and finds that they just keep on coming. Like a baby who can’t articulate their needs, the cries soon turn into loud sobs, his body shaking with them, taking him over completely. He doesn’t know where this energy has come from. And somewhere in his mind he wonders whether he’s reacting a bit dramatically to the situation.

But as he thinks back to how he had finally decided to go all in with Sirius, throw himself into the deep end and accept his date, he believes it’s quite reasonable to now throw himself completely out of it. Breaking the surface and gasping for air after being under the water for so long.

The worst part of it, is he would much rather drown in Sirius than breathe without him.

Ok, now he’s being dramatic. 

He resigns himself to his fate, curled up on the sofa, cheeks sticky with half dry tears. He feels tired, but fears if he falls asleep, his mind will only resort to nightmares.

 _Not much I can do about it now_ , he supposes, and as a fog of sleepiness clouds his mind, gives himself up to slumber. 

***

Wake up.

Wake up. 

Wake up!

Remus brings a hand to his cheek, frowning, why’s it damp? He blinks his eyes open, groaning at the bright light. _Where am I?_

Head spinning and eyes heavy, he sits up, unsure of the last thing he remembers. He sighs in relief when he sees a familiar face, stands up on shaky legs to stumble over to him.

“Sirius! I need your help- where- where am I?” He all but flings himself onto Sirius, letting him carry his weight. It’s comforting, reassuring. He knows Sirius. He will help him. His heart stops when he doesn’t reply.

“Sirius…?”

Remus then realises Sirius is much taller. Looming. Dark. He looks up and meets even darker eyes. Evil. _No, no, no, you’re not Sirius-_

The man’s face splits into a wide leering grin, and despite all of his thrashing around, Remus can’t escape his grip, tight on both his hips. He screams as loud as he can, vaguely registering the tears streaming down his face. “No! Let me go! Let me go!”

But the man’s grip only tightens; Remus is sure he’ll leave marks. He always does. Remus sees flashes and can’t decipher what’s real and what’s not. The man tuts, teasing as Remus whimpers, trying to escape, “That’s no way to treat your love,” he brings his lips to his own, Remus’ screams muffled until no one can hear him, a foul taste seeping through his mouth.

He struggles against him, but finally uses all of his force to push him away, until the man is on the ground, hair obscuring his face. Remus tries to catch his breath, but then whimpers when the man looks up and he sees Sirius again. This can’t be- no. No, this has to be a dream. 

Get me out, get me out-

“Get me out!” Remus gasps, opening his eyes, heart beating so fast he’s afraid it’ll burst. Panicked, he scrambles to lift up his shirt, and sure enough, there’s no grip marks on his hips. _It’s just a dream, it’s just a dream_ , he repeats to himself. But god, it felt so _real_. 

He wipes his face, taking in a shaky breath. He hasn’t had a nightmare so detailed like that in ages. Usually they were bad, but he never could remember them. Just flashes of old memories. This was something else. And his- his face… morphing into Sirius’...

Remus attempts to shake himself out of his thoughts. Sirius has never done anything even near what Fenrir did. He keeps forgetting that in the grand scheme of things, he knows very little of Sirius. 

He chastises himself for being so ridiculous. It reminds him of what he was like with Fenrir. Young and naive, pathetic and weak, believing he was in love. Opening himself up, allowing Fenrir to take advantage of him.

And he didn’t even put up a fight.

Just let him get away with everything.

He won’t be weak anymore. Won't let himself get to that point again. Where he opens himself up to being hurt. 

That’s the key. 

Okay. New addition to the plan.

Remus Lupin’s Plan for Life will now be as follows:

1\. I will limit the amount of people I let in my life to minimise pain.  
2\. Never look for the good in someone.  
3\. I will take no bullshit.

He thinks it’s a rather good addition to his little plan. Life is hard enough as it is, and people like Sirius making people like Remus think they owe him something just makes life that bit more worse. 

With this new rule in his head, Remus decides that he’s going to pull himself together and go to the library to confront Sirius. After all, Sirius was the one who asked him on a date. He doesn’t feel like he’s thought this through, but he wants to do it before he _can_ actually think it through. 

So, emboldened, he grabs his phone and shoves it in his pocket, standing up. He approaches the door, then stops, sighing when he realises he probably ought to change his shirt at the very least. He walks, long legs striding across the floor into his bedroom.

Remus almost jumps out of his skin when his phone buzzes in his pocket.

“Yeah?”

“Remus?”

“Who is this?” He pats around the bed and grabs a jumper blindly, struggling as he tries to put it on while keeping the phone to his ear. 

“Lily. I've been calling you, wanted to know if you got home alright,” her voice is only just decipherable, amidst a lot of commotion in the background, distracting him. Not only this, but Remus is also distracted by the fact that Lily called in the first place. 

“Oh. Yeah, yeah I’m all good.”

“Good! I’m glad- _oh seriously, James just let Pads take him!_ ”

Remus frowns, “Huh?”

“Oh, sorry just talking to my dramatic husband and his equally dramatic best mate.”

“Right.”

“Well, I’ll speak to you later then, mate?”

“Sure,” Remus is about to hang up, but he paused a moment. His godforsaken soft heart wins over, and he says into the phone, “cheers for calling, Lily.”

He can picture her smiling on the other side of the call. “Of course Remus.”

***

The call with Lily earlier threw Remus off, and as he sits on the bus, insistently tapping his foot on the floor, he feels uncertain about his idea to confront Sirius. When he thinks about it, Sirius didn’t actually do anything wrong. In fact it was Remus who cared too much, and saw more to what was just flirting. After all, Remus didn’t even accept Sirius’ date. So, he has no right to lay claim to him.

He presumes it’s just the fact that he flirted with Alice. Someone he knew. If he flirted with other people he didn’t know, then he wouldn’t be pissed; because he wouldn’t know about it. 

Ok that’s a lie, he probably would still be pissed. 

But can you blame him? It’s nice to be flirted with. Sue him if he wants to live in the fantasy that someone wants him and only him. 

As he walks in the library, Remus decides that he’ll still talk to Sirius, letting him know that he upset him. _Think of the no bullshit rule._

With an uncharacteristic confidence, he strolls over to the desk where he sees Alice who, when she finds Remus, leaps out of her chair and rushes to him. 

“Bloody hell I didn’t die, Alice.” Remus laughs a little, but it doesn’t stop her fussing over him. 

Alice whacks his arm lightly, clearly flustered, “You could well have been dead! I was worried sick!”

Remus blinks at her. His heart warms a little at the thought of Alice worrying about him. He thinks about Lily— _I see you’re very selective in your choosing of friends_ —and smiles. Maybe Alice is his friend. 

“I’m alright, Alice. Honest. Just had a rough day is all.”

Alice looks up at him, unconvinced. Though she’s stopped fussing over him, so he takes it as a win. “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure.” He even smiles a little more to prove his point, and that seems to placate her.

“Well, that’s good. The kids would’ve been so disappointed otherwise.”

Remus frowns in confusion, muttering, “The kids…” before he realises today is the read-along. He mentally slaps himself for forgetting, but his thoughts don’t last long, because he then hears a loud cry of,  
“MISTER LUPIN!!”

He turns around and only sees a flash of blonde hair before he is tackled by a young boy who then grins up at Remus despite his missing front tooth, arms wrapped around his legs. 

“Oscar, your tooth fell out!” Remus smiles, crouching down to hug him properly. 

“I know! It was taking _ages_ to fall out, it was _so_ wobbly, Mister Lupin!”

While he tries not to have favourites with the usual kids who attend the library’s read-along, he has always taken a liking to the sweet little seven year old, Oscar. His parents never stick around, and Remus assumes they use these sessions as an opportunity to dump their kid, leaving them to have time without him. 

Though Remus can’t think why they’d want to get rid of the kid, he’s an absolute sweetheart. Well mannered, incredibly clever for his age and always smiling. Well, whenever his parents aren’t around, Remus notices. 

He cranes his neck, trying to find the couple. Oscar, ever the observer, picks up on it, and explains, “Mummy and daddy said they were in a hurry.”

 _So they don’t even walk their own kid into the library to make sure he’s safe?!_ He doesn’t say this to Oscar, of course, but he does feel a surge of protectiveness, having half a mind to go down and speak to his parents himself. 

He bites his tongue and hums, letting the thought go. “Well, it’ll be exciting today. I think you’ll like the book I’ve chosen.” 

He is about to walk Oscar over to the kid’s area when he recognises a small group of children walking through the entrance, trying their best to whisper but they seem too excited to keep quiet. Remus appreciates that they tried, though. He sees their parents in a group a few steps behind, keeping an eye on all of them. 

Once the group of kids find Remus, they hurry over, all smiling up at him, looking like they’re about to burst with excitement. They all talk over one another, the way kids do, and Remus’ heart swells at all these little people wanting to tell him about their lives. As if Remus is important. 

A few more kids with parents arrive, and before Remus knows it, he’s being tugged over to the kids section, everyone whining and groaning, “Come _on_ , Mister Lupin!!”

Remus laughs, “Alright, alright, let’s go.” He’s now holding Oscar, with the other kids fighting to hold his free hand. He’s surprised he hasn’t fallen over, given there are a couple of them attaching themselves to his legs too. 

He’s about to walk over, and turns to do so when he sees someone walking in.

He focuses, and feels like everything stops around him when he catches Sirius’ eye from across the room. Suddenly, not even the insistent tugging of the kids’ little arms can pull his attention away from Sirius, who’s standing by the entrance, right next to a little boy with messy black hair and glasses, reaching up to hold Sirius’ hand.

Oh god.

He’s seriously fucked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come talk to me on tumblr !!!  
>  **inloveoknutzy**


	6. The BFG

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius appears at the library, little kid in tow. Will Remus pluck up the courage to talk to him about Alice? Or is he still too nervous to say anything?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you once again jess fleetingpieces ily so much you’re such a big help <3

A hundred thoughts run through Remus’ mind as he’s shocked still, staring back at Sirius. Is he here to see Alice? Is he here for the read-along? He must be, why else would he have a kid? Wait, is that _his_ kid? He’s a _dad?!_

Remus really doesn’t want to find out right now, so instead of waiting for him to walk over, he turns around and follows the kids to the reading corner. He’s still holding Oscar, who whispers excitedly, “New kid!”

Smiling, Remus nods, “It appears so.” 

“Can I go talk to him?” he asks eagerly. 

Oscar loves making new kids feel included. He admitted to Remus once that it was because of how nervous he felt the first time he came along. Remus’ heart melted when he told him. 

“Sure.” As soon as he’s put down, Oscar runs off to say hi to Sirius and his… son? Remus resolutely ignores that thought and hurries off to a shelf, hoping to hide behind the books to avoid Sirius. 

He knows realistically he will have to say hi to him at some point, but if he pretends to search for a book, he may be able to prolong that wait.

He can hear footsteps behind him and in a state of panic, grabs the first book he sees and lifts it in front of his face. He mentally slaps himself at his stupidity. He has no plan whatsoever. Just hopes that Sirius will leave. 

If it is Sirius, that is.

Ok who’s he kidding, of course it’s Sirius. 

“What are you doing?”

Remus cringes and screws his eyes shut, trying not to make a noise. Maybe he doesn’t know it’s Remus. 

“...Remus?”

Oh god. There’s no way he’s getting out of this now. He’s only digging himself in a deeper hole. He lowers the book very slowly, coming face to face with Sirius, whose head is tilted in confusion. 

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah! Just um- looking for… the book,” he points at the one in his hand, “for the read-along?”

“You like reading…” Sirius frowns, lips pressed into a line as he tries not to laugh, “the Complete History of Jack The Ripper to kids, do you?”

“This… is not supposed to be here.” Remus maintains a serious face, “I was just putting it somewhere else.”

It’s a blatant lie. And Remus just hopes and prays that while Sirius most likely has recognised the lie, he won’t bring it up. 

They stand there, in a game of chicken, neither of them saying anything. 

It feels like every other day Sirius is standing in front of Remus between the shelves, making some sort of comment on the books he’s holding. Sirius just has this way of making Remus feel humiliated no matter what he does. He could be standing doing absolutely nothing and feel so embarrassed if Sirius looked at him. 

Albeit, Remus did do something completely embarrassing right now, so the humiliation is to be expected. 

Much like the humiliation when he realises that the last time they stood like this, Sirius asked him out on a date. 

And then he went and flirted with Alice. 

And crushed Remus’ heart. 

Sirius opens his mouth to say something, then sighs, looking away. Remus feels bad. He wishes he could say something, but all of the built up courage from before fizzles out almost as quickly as it came about. “Are you avoiding me?” Sirius asks quietly. 

“Oh! I just remembered Alice has the books,” Remus awkwardly skirts past Sirius, “better go get them - the kids get super excited.”

“Remus-”

“See ya!”

Remus rushes off, muttering _‘fuck, fuck, fuck’_ under his breath until he rounds the corner. Sure enough, he sees Alice walk towards him, carrying a pile of books, all copies of The BFG. “Thank you, thank you, thank you,” he takes them from her, “I owe you.”

Alice just waves him off with an easy smile, and Remus is then walking back over to the reading corner. He settles on his designated bean bag and puts a smile on his face for all the kids and parents as he places the pile of books in the middle of the circle. 

Oscar seems to have already made great friends with Sirius’ son, who takes a seat next to him when he’s urged with a whisper of _‘come on, Harry, you can sit by me!’._

Harry looks quite a bit younger than Oscar, though maybe it’s because of his shy demeanour, one hand seeking Sirius’ again as he approaches to sit next to them. 

“Right!” Remus claps his hands, “everyone take a book, there’s plenty to go around.” He says, falling into his ‘teacher mode’ as Alice likes to call it. 

Remus quite enjoys playing teacher. He wonders if in another life he’d be good at it. He certainly loves being around kids. He likes it when he gets into this state of mind during read-alongs; he doesn’t have to actively think about life or his troubles, can just be a person these kids are in awe of for an hour or so. It’s reassuring, being able to inspire these young people. It lets Remus know his life isn’t a complete and utter failure. There are some good bits. Even if it’s only once every month. 

He holds up his copy for everyone to see, “Who has read this book before?” 

A few kids raise their hands, along with Oscar and… Sirius too. Remus tries not to think about how cute that is. Especially when none of the parents typically interact with Remus’ attempts to engage the kids. 

“Then you all must be experts! Who can tell me what the BFG stands for?”

“The Big Friendly Giant!”

“Very good!” Remus opens to the first page, about to start reading when he hears a whisper beside him. He looks out of the corner of his eye, trying not to make it obvious. 

“I thought you said it was the big filthy giant?” Harry asks, looking up at Sirius with wide innocent eyes. 

It takes everything in Remus not to burst out laughing when he sees Sirius’ cheeks redden slightly, and sputter quietly, “Harry, listen to Mister Lupin.”

“But you said it was! Mummy says it’s mean to lie,” Harry tugs on Sirius’ shirt and it’s the most adorable thing, watching them both try to quietly argue. 

“I wasn’t lying, you must’ve just misheard, Har.”

“Alright!” Remus says over them, “let’s get into this. For those of you who don’t know, the read-along works pretty simply. I will start reading, then we’ll take turns around the circle.”

He smiles at the kids who watch him, hanging onto every word with rapt attention. You’d think with all the focus being on him, Remus would feel anxious and uncomfortable, but strangely it’s the opposite. Perhaps it’s the innocent and well-meaning nature of children. His eyes find Sirius’, who’s sitting in a similar way to the kids, leaning forward slightly.

“You can read as much or as little as you like. Just be mindful that everyone should get a turn. You don’t want to end up being a…” he trails off, looking at the kids expectantly.

They all giggle as they reply, “Word-hog!!”

Remus grins as he hears Oscar explain to Harry _‘it’s funny because it’s like the animal warthog’,_ ignoring how Sirius laughs along with him when he understands the joke.

“That’s right. No word-hogs allowed.” 

Oscar helped him come up with the joke in the first place, after he complained about not getting the chance to read more during the sessions. Remus, placating the child, explained he shouldn’t ‘hog’ the words, to which Oscar replied, “Like a word-hog!”

It took Remus by surprise, the humour of what he said combined with a sense of pride at how remarkable this little boy was. Still is. Whenever he thinks about it, Remus is also met with a pang of hurt and guilt; he sees so much of himself in the boy and would hate for him to end up like Remus. Even though the prospect of growing up to be _‘just like Mister Lupin’_ seems appealing to Oscar. He’s just a kid. He can’t understand the hatred and disgust Remus has for himself, so he’s stuck with smiling kindly and telling him he should have bigger dreams than wanting to be a librarian.

Oscar only smiled back and said, “I’d want to be like you even if you weren’t a librarian,” as if it was the most simple thing that has ever come out of his mouth. 

The whisperings of the kids brings Remus back to the present. He looks at the book. 

“Alright. The Big Filthy… I mean- Friendly Giant.” Remus looks at Sirius, heart doing a little happy dance when he sees his eyes widen. Sirius looks down, like he didn’t expect Remus to have heard that conversation. For someone who seems to always be so suave and confident, it’s nice to see Sirius more like Remus: nervous and blushing.

He tries not to smile so much, but can’t help but be glad at the role reversal. It feels nice making Sirius flustered for once. 

Remus clears his throat as he looks down at the first page, beginning to read. “Chapter One: The Witching Hour…”

***

“We’ll pick up where we left off next time,” Remus closes the book, smiling when the kids groan and protest, asking to carry on. “Come on, even I don’t live here,” he jokes, and that makes them laugh. Some say bye as their parents usher them out of the library, while a few hang back, taking a look at the other books in the kids corner. 

Oscar, as usual, stays behind with Remus, gushing about the book. After it became obvious his parents never picked him up on time, Remus started asking him if he could be his ‘secret agent’ during the read-along. It’s a good way to distract the boy, and he got so excited about the idea. Remus would tell him to always be on the lookout, and once everyone else had left, they would debrief. Oscar would talk to him about parts he liked and disliked, and how he thought the other kids liked it. 

“I think I liked reading it more this time,” Oscar says, as Remus collects all the books. 

“Why’s that?”

“Because I like when you read.” Remus smiles at that. 

Oscar doesn’t say anything after. He often gets quiet when there’s something on his mind that’s bothering him. 

Remus puts down the books and sits beside Oscar. “What’s up?”

He stays silent for a moment, looking down at his lap, where he’s toying with his fingers nervously. “Mummy and daddy don’t read to me,” he says quietly. “All the other kids read at bedtime, but I only read here.”

Remus frowns, “Have the other kids said something? You know you can tell me, right?”

Oscar shakes his head, still in thought. “I want my mummy and daddy to come here.”

That breaks Remus’ heart. He puts a hand on Oscar’s shoulder, smiling the best as he can as he looks at him. “You’ve got me,” he says gently. 

When Oscar doesn’t respond, Remus sticks his tongue out. Oscar can’t help but break into a small smile, then giggling when Remus crosses his eyes. “You’re funny, Mister Lupin.”

Remus hums, standing up, “I try to be.” He looks over to the entrance and notices Oscar’s parents.

“Ah look, there they are.”

Oscar nods, hugging Remus’ legs. “Bye bye, Mister Lupin.”

“Bye, Oscar.” Remus ruffles his hair, prompting Oscar to throw another smile over his shoulder as he runs over, first saying bye to Harry, who seems surprised when Oscar hugs him. 

After making sure Oscar gets to his parents safely, Remus turns back around to clear up. He thinks overall it was a good read-along. The kids seemed to like the book a lot. So did Sirius…

Remus supposes he should go and speak to him. Cute kid aside, he still hurt his feelings by flirting with Alice. Before Remus can move on, he needs to at least ask him what the hell that was all about. 

Taking a couple deep breaths, Remus walks over to Sirius, who, today, is wearing a Blondie shirt, underneath his leather jacket. 

“Hey! Did she give you the bookmark?”

“Huh?” Remus looks at him, confused.

“Your— fuck I can’t remember her name,” Sirius laughs a little, then shoots a panicked look down at Harry, hoping he didn’t hear him swear. Much to his dismay, the young boy gasps, “shit- sorry Har. Um- the girl, at the desk?”

Remus just looks on, half-confused, half-amused; _does he always swear this much around his kid?_ This thought is only interrupted when he registers what Sirius said.

“Flirt with so many people you can’t even remember their names, do you?”

“What?”

Emboldened by god knows what, Remus continues, “you said you don’t remember her name. Yet you seemed fine having a nice old chat with her the other day.”

Sirius looks so confused. He opens his mouth to say something, but then closes it, unsure. “Sorry- I think I’ve missed something here.”

“What’s to miss? You were flirting with Alice the other day. At the desk.”

“How-” Sirius laughs as he looks at Remus, taking a step closer, “I wasn’t _flirting_ with her!”

Oh god. Remus feels like he’s at the butt of an awful joke. Maybe Alice is in on it too. Maybe they teamed up to humiliate Remus. He can already picture her laughing too - _I was never your friend, Remus!_

The warmth of a hand on his shoulder brings him out of his thoughts, and Sirius now looks concerned more than anything. “Rem-”

He shakes his head, closing his eyes, “What do you mean you weren’t flirting with her- why- why were you laughing like that?”

Sirius huffs, “Remus, open your eyes.”

Remus does as told, bracing himself for whatever Sirius is about to tell him. 

“I’m gay.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, _oh_.” Sirius smiles brightly at him, and it’s like nothing else is important except that smile. It’s contagious, and Remus finds himself smiling back.

“I have wildly misjudged this situation,” he admits, blushing. 

“Yeah, no shit.”

“Bad word!” Harry shouts, and Remus laughs, completely forgetting about _that_ complication. He goes to place a hand on Sirius’ arm but bails out halfway through and chooses to occupy his hands with the sleeve of his jumper instead.

“I didn’t realise Harry was your kid.”

Sirius, with a tilt of his head, says, “Oh- no he’s my godson. Wait- did you really think I had a kid?!”

“I don’t know!” Remus huffs defensively, “you could be a murderer for all I know.”

“No, Padfoot is a mar-order,” Harry butts in, attempting to say marauder. His tone is endearing, as if copying a correction once made to himself. The soft smile Sirius sends Harry’s way most definitely does not make Remus’ heart flutter. No, it’s beating very steadily, thank you very much.

Remus crouches down to Harry’s level, and smiles at him. “Hey, Harry. Did you enjoy the read-along?”

Harry nods, going shy as he hides his face behind Sirius’ leg. 

“He’s just funny around new people. He’ll warm to you.” Sirius explains. Remus tries not to overthink the implications of what Sirius just said, suggesting that he’ll be around long enough for Harry to warm to him. 

He stands back up to face Sirius. “I thought _Har_ was your mate. Like, the same age as you.”

Sirius laughs and shakes his head as he says “Remind me to be one hundred percent clear with you about everything from now on.”

Remus hides his face behind his hands, letting out a muffled _‘sorry.’_ He’s not sure why he even said that in the first place. There’s just something about Sirius that makes him blurt out whatever pops into his mind.

“Well, misunderstandings aside, I have to say, that jumper looks really great on you.” 

_What does that mean?_ Remus looks down at his clothes, almost audibly gasping when he notices what he’s wearing.

Sirius’ jumper. 

He looks back up at Sirius quickly, feeling his cheeks heat up for what must be the billionth time today. Sirius doesn’t seem mad, though. Just keeps his eyes on Remus, a soft look on his face. 

_I mean, he did just say it looks great on me. And it didn’t sound sarcastic._

“I was gonna give it back, I swear” Remus smiles as he scratches the back of his neck, hoping for more confirmation that Sirius isn’t mad. 

“It looks better on you anyway.”

_Bingo._

“Well I’m glad because this jumper is really comfy,” Remus admits, laughing a little. “Plus, that would’ve been a bit awkward giving this back if you did actually like Alice.”

Sirius doesn’t say anything, and for a moment, Remus fears he’s made the situation awkward regardless. That is until Sirius says, “Was that why you were avoiding me?”

Hesitantly, Remus nods, worried he’s messed this whole thing up now. “I was… scared you didn’t like me,” he says slowly, watching Sirius’ face. 

He goes quiet again, and it looks like he wants to say something, but thinks better of it and stays silent. Remus wishes he could know what he’s thinking. 

“I don’t-” Sirius sighs, as if he’s having difficulty finding the words to say. Remus can relate. “I don’t just go around asking people out on dates.”

“Oh.”

“Oh,” Sirius mocks him again, huffing a laugh, then returning to a more earnest face. “And if you don’t want to go on a date, that’s cool. Just- I said I’ll be one hundred percent clear from now on, so… this is me being clear, I guess.”

Remus feels weird. Never once did it cross his mind that he could be hurting Sirius’ feelings in all this. He feels very stupid and selfish. It didn’t occur to him that maybe this means something to Sirius too. 

“I-”

Sirius shakes his head, smiling, “You don’t have to decide now. I don’t wanna put pressure on you. Just… ask Alice about the bookmark?”

Remus nods silently, watching as Sirius crouches down and picks Harry up. He groans exaggeratedly, despite picking him up with ease, which makes the young boy laugh.

Harry then whispers, “Can we go home now?” to which Sirius replies with a nod,

“Yeah, mate let’s get you home.”

Sirius gives Remus one last look before walking off. Desperate for him not to leave, Remus grabs Sirius’ free hand quickly, prompting him to look over his shoulder. His hand is warm and his skin is soft, sliding over Remus’ like silk. 

“You’ll come back tomorrow?”

Sirius’ smile could light up the whole room.

“Of course, Rem.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh, also i changed oscar’s age to seven years old just bc it seemed more appropriate for my plan for him as a character. <3
> 
> ps. comments and kudos help me live so thank you all for your support i love every one of you


	7. The Phone Call

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Sirius leaves with Harry, Remus makes his way over to catch up with Alice. And ask her about the bookmark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank u jess fleetingpieces for being an amazing beta <3
> 
> **CW - mention of past abuse, depression, anxiety, PTSD, eating disorders and food**

As soon as Sirius leaves, Remus makes his way over to the front desk, where Alice is already grinning at him. “What?” he asks, dropping down into the seat next to her.

“Successful read-along, I see,” she says, waggling her eyebrows and turning to face him. Remus knows what she’s on about, but takes pleasure in messing with her a bit. So, he just tilts his head and says innocently,

“Yeah, the kids loved the book.”

Alice huffs, waving her hands impatiently, “But Sirius!”

“Mmm, what about him?”

“Are you guys dating or what?!”

“Alice, come on,” Remus looks around, making sure her overexcited voice didn’t attract the attention of other people in the library, “we’re not dating. I haven’t even said yes yet.”

“What are you waiting for!”

“I’m nervous, okay? I haven’t dated anyone since…” he trails off, hoping she understands. While Alice doesn’t know the ins and outs of Remus and Fenrir’s relationship --it ended pretty before he met her-- she still knows that it was quite nasty. And obviously can see how much it still affects him.

Alice places a reassuring hand on top of Remus’, “Sirius seems like a really sweet guy. He’d never treat you like… _he_ did.”

Remus hums. He sure hopes not. He really doesn’t want to fall back into the awful state he was in after Fenrir. It wasn’t pretty. Was a vicious cycle of not doing anything because he hated himself, then hating himself for not doing anything. He spent most of his time in his new flat he moved into, and the one day he finally got out of bed, he didn’t even recognise himself in the mirror.

It was difficult because he still couldn’t register a lot of the things that had happened. It felt like someone else experienced them. But then, he had to suffer. Had to see that _face_ every time he closed his eyes. It was confusing. Having all these reactions to things that he couldn’t remember entirely.

His memory even now is still hazy about some details, and that terrifies him. It’s like his mind knows he’s not strong enough to relive them, so has locked those parts away. He wonders if he’ll ever feel in control of his own body. 

Alice’s voice brings him back to the present. He hopes he didn’t offend her by zoning out a little. “He’s absolutely smitten for you.”

“You think so?”

“I know so! He told me. Oh, also told me to give you this-” she pulls a bookmark out of her bag, handing it to Remus. “Honestly, he’s such a sweetheart.”

Remus doesn’t hear whatever else she says, he’s too busy looking at the Paddington bookmark in his hands, the same one Sirius bought from him a few days ago. There’s a post-it note taped onto it, that reads:

‘I wanted to write something romantic and profound but i couldn’t think of anything to impress you.  
In case you need someone to chat about books with:  
xxxxx-xxxxxx  
(ps. I don’t know much about books sorry not sorry)’

His lips curve upwards as he reads over the note again and again, joy sparkling inside him. Sirius really went through the effort of writing a note on a bookmark just for him. And remembered how Remus liked Paddington. It warms his heart. 

“Oo, you’ve got it bad,” Alice teases, poking Remus’ arm, who frowns defensively at her.

“No I don’t- I don’t have anything bad. He’s just nice,” he argues, but Alice still looks doubtful.

“Whatever you say.”

Remus looks back down at the note, trying his best not to smile. It’s proving to be very difficult. He knows he needs to rein it in, remember the plan and stop getting ahead of himself. But he can’t help but be happy about the situation. 

He’s allowed to be pleased at the fact that Sirius wasn’t flirting with Alice. And at the realisation that Sirius didn’t seem to be interested in anyone but him. God knows why, but that is what he said. 

“How are you?” Remus’ eyes meet Alice’s, who looks concerned.

“I’m okay…?” He seems a little confused at the question, but then understands what she means. “Oh. Yeah, you’re gonna think I’m stupid for saying it now.” 

“What are you on about?”

Remus considers not telling her about it, but then again, it’s not really that big of a deal. It could be good to talk about it with someone else. “I thought Sirius was flirting with you.”

_“What?”_

Remus sighs, bringing a hand up to run through his hair. “That’s what Sirius said.”

“I just mean- well, it’s pretty clear he likes you.”

“Is it? How?” Remus is genuinely shocked. He knows that Sirius likes him but he’d never go as far as saying it’s really obvious.

“What do you mean ‘how’?”

“I mean, how is it pretty clear? I’m not exactly amazing to look at,” he mumbles. 

“Can I be really honest with you, Remus?”

He sighs and nods, feeling awfully like he’s about to be told off. He knew he shouldn’t have said anything. Should’ve just stayed quiet. 

Alice leans in closer to talk to him better, but doesn’t start straight away, which only makes Remus more nervous. 

“God, Alice what is it?”

“You’re really fucking awesome.”

Oh. That’s not what Remus expected at all. “Huh?”

“You-” Alice sighs, seeming frustrated, “you really struggle to see yourself how others see you. And… I just want you to know that you mean a lot to me. You’re a close friend. And it’s really easy to see how Sirius would like you. How _anyone_ would like you.”

Remus looks down to where Alice is now holding both his hands. She squeezes them gently, continuing to speak, “and… and I want you to know that. Because I care about you.”

Taking a deep breath, Remus thinks over Alice she just said. This day is proving to be a not-so-bad day after all. He struggles to wrap his mind round Alice’s confession, though. It’s difficult for Remus to accept love from people… not that it happens often, anyway.

Remus looks back up at her, taking another breath. “I… don’t know what to say.”

Alice laughs a little, “You’re so sweet. It’s okay. I just wanted you to know that you mean a lot to me.”

“Thank you.” Remus says quietly, bringing a hand up to his eyes, trying to discreetly wipe them. Alice hands him a tissue and Remus smiles gratefully as he takes it. “I needed to hear that.”

“Well, I’m glad I said it, then.”

***

Once home and lying on his bed, Remus lets himself look at the bookmark again, finger dragging over the note Sirius wrote. He weighs up the options in his head. On the one hand, he can call him now, but what if he doesn’t answer? Or worse, he _does_ answer. 

Remus doesn’t know how prepared he is for having a full-length conversation with Sirius. On the phone. He supposes Sirius not being able to see him would mean there’s less pressure, but still. Nerve-wracking. 

Or the other option, of course, is to just send him a text. This seems more sensible, in Remus’ opinion. Not only is it less scary for Remus, it’s also polite. No one likes unexpected phone calls. 

But now comes the difficult part of deciding what to write in the message. Remus huffs to himself, rolling over to lie on his stomach as he fishes the phone out of his pocket. He pulls up his messages, looking between the screen and the bookmark as he types in Sirius’ phone number. 

_R: Hi Sirius! It’s Remus._

No, too cheery.

_R: Hi Sirius, it’s Remus Lupin. From the library._

Too formal. He knows who he is. 

_R: Hi, it’s Remus._

Is that too blunt?

Fuck, too late now, he’s already sent it. Panicked, Remus types out a following message that reads:

_R: From the library._

Just in case. 

After sending that, he places his phone on the bed, screen down, then rolls onto his back. This puts as much distance as he can between himself and the device, allowing Remus to instead stare up at the plain, beige-y ceiling. 

Maybe he should redecorate, he muses, as his eyes drag over the rest of his room. Or, as much as he can see lying down. 

Remus’ room is very basic, consisting only of a twin sized bed, headboard up against the wall opposite the door, and a chest of drawers. When moving in, he put buying new furniture to the back of his mind, and now, two years later, it appears it’s still in the back of his mind. Collecting dust. Much like many other thoughts he doesn’t care to revisit anytime soon. 

Redecorating could be a good idea. Though he supposes it would just be _decorating,_ given he didn’t do any in the first place. 

He jumps when he hears a buzz, and tries not to judge himself for snatching his phone quickly, unlocking it to read the message.

_**S: oh thank god it’s remus from the library. i was worried it was another guy with the same name. y’know, what with remus being an extremely common name and all.**_

Remus snorts, as he types back,

_R: Smartass._

It’s only after he sends that message that he realises maybe he should’ve waited a few minutes before responding. But when he sees that Sirius is already typing again, he feels relieved. He’s never been one for texting etiquette anyway. 

_**S: watcha doin?**_

_R: Who are you, Isabella?_

_**S: you got the reference !!! you have to marry me now, that’s the rule**_

Remus smiles down at his phone, silently thanking Alice for her weird obsession with playing episodes of Phineas and Ferb on her phone during breaks at work. He’s about to type out his reply when Sirius beats him to it.

_**S: hey, if you’re not busy, can i call you ? easier than typing**_

Remus looks down at the message, heartbeat suddenly a lot quicker. That’s fine, right? He can do that. He can talk to someone on the phone. Easy.

_R: Sure_

Seconds later, the screen pops up with Sirius’ contact, and after taking a couple more deep breaths, he presses answer. “Hello?”

“Hi!”

“Hi,” Remus says again, just to fill the silence. He hears Sirius laugh and it settles his nerves a little. It’s weird how Sirius has the power to make him so anxious at times, yet also so at ease. 

“So… Alice gave you the bookmark I’m guessing?”

“Yeah,” Remus smiles to himself, bringing his free hand up to where he’s holding the phone, and wraps it around his wrist, as if doing that would get him closer to Sirius. “Yeah- it was… thank you.”

“That’s alright.”

“It feels weird talking to you on the phone,” he admits, and Sirius laughs again.

“Yeah, I definitely prefer seeing you in person.”

Remus huffs a laugh too, moving on his bed to sit cross-legged, hoping Sirius can’t hear his heart beating quickly on the other end of the line. He bites his lip, unsure what to say as he then uncrosses his legs, letting his feet fall over the edge of his bed. Nervous and restless, he crosses his legs again. 

“You got any plans tonight?” Remus asks

“Talking to you, aren’t I?”

“Yeah, I suppose you are,” he tries not to let his smile take over his face, but it’s hard when Sirius keeps saying the things he does. It is easier, though, not having the pressure of controlling his expressions and reactions to things. Plus, this way, he can pace around the room, thinking of what to say. 

And that’s what he decides to do, getting up off the bed. It’s _exercise,_ he reasons to himself. Not at all because he’s a big bundle of nerves. 

“Have you eaten yet?”

“No, just got home.”

“Great! We can eat together over the phone.”

Remus opens his mouth, about to interrupt Sirius and tell him that he wasn’t planning on eating anything tonight, but he doesn’t have the heart when he sounds so excited. 

Sirius tells him he’s putting his phone on speaker, and Remus listens to him puttering about in his kitchen, yelping when he accidentally spills a packet of pasta all over the floor. 

“Mamma mia,” Sirius sighs, and Remus bursts out laughing,

“Did you just-” he tries to catch his breath after laughing, “say ‘mamma mia’?” 

“...No.”

“Yes you did.”

“No I didn’t.”

“You _so_ did!”

“Okay, fine. I wanted to sound Italian, I’m making pasta for chrissakes.”

“You’re adorable.”

“Shut up.”

In the end, Remus makes himself a cheese toastie, one of the only things he’s good at making. He sits at his table in the kitchen, phone propped against a glass. He’s turned it on speaker mode so he can listen and reply to Sirius as he eats. 

“So what else have you eaten today?”

Remus is confused as to why Sirius is so concerned about his eating habits, but shakes the thought away quickly, replying once he swallows the food in his mouth. “Uh- this is my first meal.”

He may as well be honest. Sirius hums in acknowledgement, but doesn’t press further on the subject, for which Remus is grateful.  
“Har really enjoyed the read-along yesterday. Wouldn’t shut up about it on the way home.”

“Oh yeah?” Remus smiles to himself, truly happy and relieved that Harry liked it. He’s always had a thirst to prove himself to everyone, but even more so with this kid, given the association with Sirius. Somehow, he’s got it into his head that if Harry likes him, then Sirius will too. It’s silly, but kids are pretty good judges of character. “Do you think he liked me?” he asks.

“Liked you? He bloody loved you! Much prefers your reading than mine.”

“Ahh, but do you put on voices for the different characters?”

“No.”

“See, that’s where you’re going wrong. I always find that the kids are much more engrossed if you put on silly voices. Makes even the long descriptive parts interesting. It’s all about making it fun for them, especially when some of the kids’ parents don’t stay with them.”

Sirius hums, “Yeah, well, maybe I’ll just leave the silly voices to you, seeing as you do them so well,” he teases. Remus can hear him still eating, which reminds him to finish off his own dinner. 

It’s comforting, having something to fill the silence in his small flat. Talking to someone distracts Remus enough that he doesn’t feel like he’s going to bring all his food back up either, so that’s a plus. He wonders if maybe that was Sirius’ plan all along, but quickly rationalises that there’s no way he could know about his problems. 

“What about you, then.”

“What about me?”

“Yeah, how did you like the BFG? Remind me, what does it stand for again?”

Sirius groans, sounding embarrassed. Remus imagines if he could see him, he’d be hiding his face in his hands. His guess is not entirely inaccurate, as his voice goes a little muffled when he says, “You weren’t supposed to hear that.”

“Hear what?” Remus asks innocently, “I don’t know what you’re on about.”

“Stopppp! It’s like your silly voices, I just thought it’d be funny.”

“I will admit it was funny seeing you like that. Nice to know you can blush too.”

“Okay, fine I’ll admit I was flustered but it’s hard to make me blush. You, on the other hand, I can just look at you and you’ll turn red.”

“Shut up.”

“You’re blushing right now, aren’t you?”

“No I’m not.” Remus feels his cheeks heat up and looks down, willing the blush to go away.

“Sure you’re not,” Sirius says, unconvinced, and after a moment’s pause, says a lot quieter, “I like seeing you blush.”

“Well, you’re the one that makes me blush,” he says just as quiet, playing with the crumbs on his plate, just to give his hands something to do, so he doesn’t freak out 

They both sit in silence for a while, but for some reason, this time it doesn’t feel awkward. It’s comfortable, being in the company of another person. Remus _liking_ this particular person a lot doesn’t seem to have much of an effect on the awkwardness of the situation. 

He worries that maybe he’s falling for this guy too quickly, but he’s still being reserved, right? He still remembers his plan. And in the grand scheme of things, Sirius doesn’t know much about him. They’re just giving each other attention. It’s not like Remus is about to spill his deepest, darkest secrets all of a sudden. And when the time soon comes that Sirius will get bored of him and leave, Remus won’t be upset. Because he didn’t let himself get attached in the first place.

“Is it too soon to say I’m really glad I met you?” Sirius asks, and Remus isn’t sure how to feel about that. He can’t tell whether the feeling in his stomach is butterflies, or anxiety, but he chooses to focus on the former.

“No,” he replies, “not too soon.”

“Good,” Sirius breathes, “because I quite like you, Remus.”

_I’m not special._  
_I’m just convenient._  
_You’ll get bored._

“I quite like you too.”


	8. Yes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus spends more time talking to Sirius on the phone, feeling conflicted. He goes to a friend for advice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank u jess fleetingpieces for beta-ing ily <3  
>  **CW: mention of past abuse and typical depressive thoughts**

The rest of Remus’ night goes by pretty smoothly, and before he knows it, it’s getting to midnight and he’s still on the call with Sirius. They’ve been talking about anything and everything, and Remus finds conversation with him to come really easily. 

Sirius is now in bed, as well as Remus, who teased him about his Star Wars pyjamas. Sirius only whined and dramatically asked Remus to not poke fun at him in these _‘trying times’._

Remus very usefully pointed out that they can’t actually see each other, so Sirius could just not have told him about his pyjamas and he’d be none the wiser, but Sirius argued that he deserved to have the whole picture explained to him. 

He enjoys listening to Sirius’ voice, even as it gets progressively more sleepy as the night goes on. Still, he can’t help but feel a little disappointed when he says, “I ought to get some sleep.”

“Yeah, okay.”

“Are you gonna go to bed?”

“I’m not tired,” he says honestly, and Sirius half-laughs-half-yawns. His laugh is quickly becoming one of Remus’ favourite things about him. 

“What are you, like a werewolf?”

“Yes, well done,” he deadpans, “you’ve figured it out.”

“Oh wait, no, that’s Vampires…”

Remus hums, “Well I am human, I promise. Just not tired.”

“Mm alright. But I’ll be on the lookout, Rem, so beware.”

Sirius’ nickname for him rings through his mind every time he says it. _Rem, Rem, Rem, Rem, Rem._ He doesn’t want to hear anyone else address him ever again. 

God, this is so bad. He needs to think this over. Make sense of the muddle in his brain, and he can’t do that while he’s still talking to Sirius. “Go get your beauty sleep.”

“Ahh so you think I’m beautiful?” 

“I think you’re on the verge of falling asleep,” Remus corrects, trying hard to calm the wildly beating heart in his chest. 

They both say nothing, and it’s like neither of them want to be the one to say goodbye. Remus smiles to himself as he pictures them as a young teenage couple - _‘you hang up first, no you hang up first!’_

He contemplates telling Sirius this but wonders if it’ll scare him off. Besides, they’re not a couple. Haven’t even been on one date together. It could come across as needy, could drive him away even quicker. 

Remus knows that it’s inevitable Sirius will get tired of him, but who says he’s not allowed to try and prolong that eventuality?

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Remus says quietly, then frowns when Sirius replies,

“I’ll see you sooner.”

“What?”

“In my dreams.” Sirius explains.

Remus pulls the covers of his bed further over himself, turning to bury his face in his pillow. “Oh god, you’re so corny.”

“You like it.”

“I really don’t.”

“Yes you do. I can hear the smile in your voice.”

Remus groans, pushing his head further into the feathery squishiness. He has no idea how Sirius can read him so easily, even just on the phone. “Go to bed!”

“Alright, fine,” Sirius laughs. “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, Sirius.”

Once he hears the call go dead, Remus sighs, feeling strangely empty now he’s alone. Usually he finds himself relieved once away from contact with people, giving him time to recharge. But for some reason, he only feels sad now the voice that so often occupies his thoughts is gone.

These feelings seem like they could be sending him down a dangerous path, in the direction of something he fell victim to not that long ago. He has no intentions of making the same mistake twice, but his heart wants to tell him otherwise.

Remus remembers how he felt the first time he met Fenrir. He was new and exciting, but more than anything, he was _there._ Right in front of him. And he actually _cared._

Who could blame Remus for falling for him? After being trampled on and hurt for so long, it was only natural for Remus to attach himself to the only person in years who actually treated him like a _human being._

He recognises the similarities of his present thoughts. The falling too fast, the exhilaration of the attention, it was all too familiar. And that leaves an unhappy feeling in his stomach. 

Sirius came into Remus’ life with no forewarning, and despite his hesitation in the reciprocation of his feelings, Remus has never once doubted his attraction to him. Sure, he’s been trying to deny it, and maybe that makes him a hypocrite, but all the same, he _likes_ Sirius. Far too much for having only known him for a few weeks. 

He may be stupid enough to like Sirius this much already, but he certainly is not stupid enough to believe it is because they are _‘meant for each other’._ He had enough of that with Fenrir the first time round to know that foolish thoughts like those were only a coping mechanism. A reason to believe this world is still worth living in, for hope that one day you will meet _‘the one’._

Remus also knows that he will only hold Sirius’ attention for so long. As mentioned many times before, Sirius will get bored of him. Or overwhelmed, one or the other. He will see what Remus is really like and will pull back, make other plans, and it’s okay because Remus will understand. Because he isn’t built for things like being loved. 

That sad truth is one he came to realise far too early in his life. He wishes he could have lived in the delusion for longer. It’s so lonely. 

So, so lonely.

Remus hears a buzz and he frowns, patting around the bed. God, it’s always whenever you need your phone that you can never find it.

Reluctant to leave the cosy cocoon he’s created for himself, he lifts the sheets and finds the phone, the light from the screen illuminating his face in the otherwise dark room. 

**_S: a werewolf by attic abasement_ **

_R: Huh??_

**_S: it’s a song. i was just listening to it_ **

_R: Still awake?_

**_S: what can i say, i’ve got you on my mind_ **

Remus tries not to look into that message too much, but it’s hard when it’s literally right there in front of him. 

_R: You’re really bad at flirting, you know that?_

_**S: works on you, doesn’t it?** _

_R: Jury’s still out._

_**S: oh, how you wound me!!** _

_**S: you should listen to the song tho. then get some sleep** _

_R: Alright, only if you promise to do the same._

_**S: anything for you ;)** _

Remus hums to himself, opening up his music app. It’s one of those shitty YouTube ones, because god knows he can’t afford Spotify Premium and he’s sick and tired of listening to those bloody ads. 

He presses play and closes his eyes, the acoustic guitar surprising him. He expected the song to be upbeat and punk-rock-y but instead, as the drums come in, Remus finds the rhythm to be quite soothing. He focuses on the lyrics, hoping maybe for some message, but the words are nonsensical, probably meaning something profound if he thought hard about it. 

But then, the rhythm stops, 

_I can be a werewolf,  
if you want me to,  
if you want me._

_I can be a werewolf,  
if you want me to…_

_If you want me._

The beat picks back up again, and the rest of the song continues, until it fades out. The words stick in his brain, like chewing gum on the sole of a shoe. Remus slides his finger along the bar to restart the song, settling back down.

It’s with the thought of Sirius out there somewhere, lying on his bed and listening to the same song as him that Remus drifts off to sleep, distantly wishing they could lie together.

_If you want me…_

***

The song is still in Remus’ head when he wakes up the next morning. He vaguely remembers a bad dream, but it obviously wasn’t too awful to have affected him that much. He grabs his phone, turning off the alarm and opening up his messages app, fingers already typing out a text to Sirius. 

_R: I thought you were more Punk Rock? Blondie shirt?_

_**S: i’ve been known to dabble in other genres** _

_R: Hmm, sounds like a poser. I have a song recommendation for you, then, don’t know if you’ve heard of it._

_R: Call Me - Blondie._

_**S: -_-** _

_**S: i know you’re trying to be witty but all i can think of is the fact that you noticed my shirt.** _

Remus is glad they are talking on the phone because he knows Sirius wouldn’t shut up about the blush rapidly appearing on his cheeks if he saw him. He tries to think of a clever comeback but nothing comes up. He does, however, pull up the music app and play Call Me. He’s always loved that song. He sees his history pop up in the search bar. 

_R: I like that song, though. The werewolf one._

_**S: it’s good, right?** _

_R: Yeah. I like the guitar._

_**S: mm same** _

_R: I start my shift at 9 today, by the way._

_**S: alright, i’ll see you later then. don’t leave me hanging on the telephone ;)** _

Remus feels a little ridiculous laughing to himself alone in his room, but Sirius’ god-awful jokes are actually quite funny. He makes a mental note to never admit this to him. 

***

 _This is all so confusing,_ Remus thinks, as he walks out of his apartment block. He’s trying his best not to get attached but it’s hard when Sirius is so likeable. It would be way simpler if he was a dick. 

He checks the time, deciding whether or not to walk through the high street on the way to the library. 8:15. He’s got plenty of time. 

It’s not often he chooses to go down this way, typically avoiding the crowds, but this morning, he has a plan. Lily’s shop appears different now Remus looks at it with a coherent mind. Evidently, he is also standing up this time as opposed to lying on the ground. 

He looks through the window and knocks on the glass, watching Lily rummaging through something with her back to him. He jumps when she shouts, “Read the sign! We’re not open until-”

Lily turns around, “Remus!!”

He laughs a little as Lily rushes over to let him in, closing the door behind him. “How are you!” she pulls Remus into a hug. 

“Okay, just on my way to work so thought I’d pop in.”

“You got time for a cuppa?”

“Oh, if you’ve already got the kettle on.”

Lily nods, grinning as she pats his arm, then leaving him in the front room to grab cups of tea. Remus looks around, admiring the shop. It’s very colourful, clothes on hangers and shelves, quite a lot, in fact, for such a small shop. 

If anyone described it to him, he’d probably think it was like the visual equivalent of a panic attack, so many bright colours everywhere, too much packed into a small place. But, instead, he feels oddly comforted by all the craziness of the shop. He realises it’s a lot like Lily. Which makes sense. 

She returns, and hands him a mug, which he takes with a grateful smile. Today, Lily is wearing a bright red striped shirt underneath dark blue dungarees. It differs very much from Remus’ outfit, which consists of his earth-y brown trousers and a dark green jumper. He opted for a white collared shirt underneath, hoping it’ll make him look more put-together. Lily seems to like it.

“You certainly look better than the first time I saw you,” she says, looking at him over the top of her mug. “You scrub up nice, Lupin.”

Remus subconsciously tugs on his jumper, “You really think so?”

“Yeah!”

“I’m- uh- you remember that guy?”

“The one who was flirting with someone else?”

Remus nods, “Well, um… turns out he’s gay,” he watches as Lily presses her lips into a line, trying not to laugh, “so, he wasn’t flirting… and I’m gonna tell him yes to the date.”

“Oh Remus, that’s great!” Lily took his hand, excited. “So that’s why you’re looking good today?” she teases. 

Remus smiles a little, nodding again. He didn’t want to pin his hopes on this, but thought maybe it’ll be useful to talk to Lily about the situation. “What about the hair?”

“What do you mean ‘what about the hair?’ It looks great.”

“I was gonna gel it, but I wasn’t sure.”

“Gel it?!” Remus can’t describe how she said that in any way other than a ‘squawk’.

“I don’t know!” he says defensively, “I’m not good with ‘style’ and stuff like that.”

“Oh you’re adorable. Well your hair is great how it is, and check you out! You’ve layered. Very stylish if you ask me.”

Remus shrugs, still playing with the fabric of his jumper, feeling a little embarrassed under Lily’s gaze. It’s all very new to him, receiving compliments like this. Especially with Alice yesterday as well. 

“But that’s not what you’re worried about, is it?”

Remus wonders if Lily has magical powers. That can be the only explanation for how she can read him so easily. He doesn’t even fully understand how he feels himself, but for some reason it seems logical that Lily knows more than him. 

“Um, yeah. I’m a bit scared if I’m honest.”

“About what?” she tilts her head, watching Remus carefully. 

“Well… I struggle to let people in. So, I suppose I’m worried about getting too close to this guy.”

Lily stays quiet for a moment, and briefly, Remus feels a flash of fear and guilt, worrying he has said too much to her as well. She clears her throat. “And, let me guess, you’re afraid he’ll leave as soon as you get attached?”

“Y-yeah, that’s an easier way of putting it.”

“Remind me where you work again?”

“Oh, the library.”

Remus catches a slight flicker in Lily’s expression, and he hopes she doesn’t judge him for working there. He knows it’s not anywhere near owning a shop, but he’s never hated it there. He likes his job a lot, in fact.

“Hm. And, this… _guy._ ”

He nods, gesturing for her to carry on, occasionally taking sips from his tea. It’s relaxing as it trickles down his throat. He revels in the warmth spreading through his body. 

“Tell me about him.”

“He’s gorgeous. Really fucking gorgeous. Way too good for me. And brilliant with kids and just so funny and sweet and-” he stops, “why are you looking at me like that?”

Lily shakes her head, smiling sympathetically. “Remus, darling, it sounds like you’re already attached.”

His heart drops. No, he can’t be attached. He’s been so careful. “N-no. I’m not.”

“It’s ok, it’s a good thing!”

“How on earth is this a good thing?!”

“It means you’re letting him in. And Sirius sounds like a really good guy. I don’t think he’ll want to hurt you.”

“How do you know his name!”

She waves her hand noncommittally, “You just told me. But that’s not the point! It’s okay to open yourself up, Remus.”

“It’s scary.”

Lily smiles knowingly, “That’s part of the fun.”

“Fun?! It’s misery.”

“It is fun, trust me. Loving someone so much that you want to share everything with them, even if it scares you shitless. I feel so lucky to have found my husband, James. You ask him, and he fell in love with me a lot faster than I did, but I actually loved him the first time I saw him.”

“How did you know? We’re so young.”

“Oh, darling, I just knew,” she hums, almost wistfully. Remus wishes it could be that easy for him. Maybe if he was straight. 

“How can you _just know?_ ”

“You’ll know when you know.” She sipped her tea. “And something tells me you already do.”

“I’ve been wrong before.”

“Follow your gut. What’s the worst that could happen?”

“I’m scared if he leaves I won’t be able to handle it.”

“So you’re going to live the rest of your life in fear?”

Remus is taken aback by the statement, and Lily immediately puts a hand on his shoulder, “Look. I don’t mean to be rude. But I can tell you’re strong and you can take my frankness. Your life isn’t worth living if you hide yourself from everyone.”

“I’m not hiding.”

“Then let Sirius in.”

Remus sighs, rubbing his face. “But what if-”

He stops fighting when he sees the resolute look on Lily’s face. There’s no getting around that look. If he won’t talk to Sirius, then Remus has no doubt that Lily will. 

“I haven’t been on a first date in years,” he admits. 

“I’ll help you get ready,” she takes Remus’ now empty mug from his hands, grinning as she then whispers conspiratorially, “but first you gotta say yes.”

***

Remus ends up being ten minutes early for his shift, and as he walks across the road towards the entrance, he notices Sirius standing by the door. He doesn’t know how he makes leaning against a wall so effortless and attractive, but Remus’ mouth is all of a sudden very dry. Those bloody tight black jeans aren’t helping, and neither is the eager smile that etches onto Sirius’ face when he sees Remus. 

“Hey!” Sirius pushes off the wall and jogs a little over to Remus. Again, that should be really awkward and embarrassing but Remus only finds it endearing.

He’s got it bad. 

“Hi,” Remus says, bringing a hand up in an attempt to discreetly ruffle his own hair. His eyes rove over Sirius’ outfit, typical leather jacket, this time with a white The Clash shirt underneath. 

“You’re early,” Sirius remarks, extending his arm to move a piece of hair out of Remus’ eyes, as if it was the most natural thing to do. He tries not to react, ignoring every nerve in his body that wants to lean into the touch, wants to pull Sirius in his arms and kiss him senseless. 

“How long have you been waiting here?”

“Not long!” Sirius looks him up and down, and Remus isn’t able to hide the blush creeping on his cheeks this time. “You look good,” he puts a hand in his pocket, “I like the jumper.”

“Really?” Remus lets himself smile a little, fighting the urge to self-consciously tug at his clothes again. 

“Mm. A very ‘Remus’ colour.” 

He laughs slightly, “I’m gonna pretend I know what that means.”

“Are they soft?”

“Hm?”

“Your jumpers,” Sirius explains, taking a step closer, “are they soft?”

“Yeah, they- _oh_.” Sirius reaches out, and smoothes a hand down his arm, the feeling of his fingers over the fabric tickling and fluttering against him. 

His hand keeps slowly moving until it reaches his wrist, dancing lightly over the skin, then firmer as he slides across his palm, intertwining their fingers. 

“Yes,” Remus breathes. 

“Yes?”

“Yes.”

“...What are we saying yes to?” Sirius tilts his head, smile still on his face, despite the confusion in his eyes. 

“The date.”

“Oh. _Oh_.” Sirius looks like he’s about to burst with excitement, taking a shaky breath before asking, “really?”

Remus smiles brighter, heart light as he squeezes Sirius’ hand. “Yes.”


	9. The Date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus recruits the help of both Alice and Lily ahead of his date with Sirius, who has been very vague in his plans, only instructing Remus to bring a blanket. 
> 
> What could the date possibly entail?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you jess fleetingpieces for beta-ing and letting me scream at you <3
> 
> **CW: mention of food and vague mention of eating disorder**

Fortunately, as it is Saturday, Remus’ shift only lasts until midday, but with the thought of Sirius taking him out on a date later, the day goes by torturously slowly. It doesn’t help that he knows it’s going to be this evening, not even straight after work. 

Sirius doesn’t stay long, claiming he doesn’t want to distract him from working. But as Remus sits at the desk, clicking away at the computer, he wonders whether he’s actually getting less work done because he’s thinking about Sirius and their date constantly. 

Earlier, before his shift started, Remus was instructed to meet Sirius at a little shop, coincidentally nearby Lily’s, at 5pm, and to bring an old blanket. He didn’t give Remus any other information which was equal parts intriguing and worrying. 

He thinks over what the date could possibly entail, but comes up short every time. It could be anything. 

Talking to Alice helps the time pass a little, and she sounds more than pleased to hear about the progression. “So, tell me more about him!”

Remus doesn’t even try to hide the smile on his face and he swivels his chair to face her. “I don’t know, not much to know at this stage.”

“Enough for you to look the happiest you’ve looked in years,” Alice shrugs, making herself look busy by picking up a few books.

“I’m not _happy_ because of him-” Remus sputters, but the defence is no use. Alice is already smiling at him, unconvinced. 

“Could’ve fooled me.”

Remus tries not to contemplate on that thought too much, but he can’t help it. Is he really happy? It’s too soon to say. All he knows is Sirius makes him feel good. And that’s a good sign. In the back of his head, he is still hesitant. But it’s like he’s said to himself a million times now:

Sirius will get bored and leave him. But that doesn’t mean he shouldn’t have fun while he’s still around. 

He attempts to rationalise this, but similar to a lot of things in his mind, it gets muddled with dark thoughts and insecurities. He hates when he feels like this - like he can’t quite decipher the thought or make it out, but it’s definitely there and it’s infuriating.

It’s difficult to describe, because it’s just almost there, like on the tip of your tongue, or the edge of your bed. Like when your covers fall over the end. As you pull them back up, they get caught, and there’s a moment of fear that maybe there’s someone on the other end, tugging on them. But every time, you pull them back over yourself, engulfed in the warmth of ignorance and naivety. 

Remus can’t quite remember why he’s thinking about this in particular, but he does remember being young and worrying about monsters under his bed. Is it too cliche to say he’d much prefer a monster under his bed than to be trapped in his own monster of a brain?

“Remus.”

“Hm?” he looks back up at Alice, who then repeats her question,

“What are you doing for the date?”

“Oh I dunno. Sirius said he’s got it all planned out.”

She squeals, flapping her arms about. She kind of looks like what Remus does on the inside whenever he’s around Sirius. “That’s so cute!”

Remus laughs a little, “Scary though. Have no idea what he’s decided.”

“I bet it’s something super romantic. He looks like the type.”

“We talked on the phone last night.”

Alice grabs a post-it note from the desk, scrunches it up into a ball and throws it at Remus’ head, with a frown on her face, “You never tell me anything!”

“Oi!” Remus takes the ball and throws it back at her, “you- want to know about it?”

Alice catches it, which is quite impressive. “Of course I do,” she huffs, as if that’s obvious. 

“Oh-”

So, Remus spends the rest of his day telling Alice about everything they talked about on the phone. It’s hard to believe he never shared stuff like this with Alice before, especially as he feels so much lighter now. Maybe this communication thing isn’t as hard as everyone makes it out to be. 

***

It seemed to happen so quickly, everything with Sirius. Remus saying yes to the date, and Sirius telling him he already had the whole thing planned out. Now, reflecting on it, sitting in his flat at 2pm, Remus realises how wishful-thinking Sirius was in his accepting of the date. And how unabashed he was in showing that. 

Sirius, from what Remus gathers, is a pretty open book. And he doesn’t seem very deterred in expressing his emotions, more specifically his attraction to Remus. It’s refreshing, and interesting. Sirius is a very interesting character. And strangely, Remus finds he is actually excited to find out more about him. 

He still can’t believe Sirius could be _that_ interested in Remus, but all of the factors he considers seem to prove otherwise. 

_Bzz Bzz_

He pulls his phone out, and Lily has messaged him, asking about Sirius. He decides it’s probably best to call her. 

“Alright, Lily?”

She gets straight to the point, which Remus is beginning to find is typical of Lily. “So…?”

“So…” he bites his lip, pausing before then saying, “we’re going out tonight.”

He has to pull the phone away from him, in a fruitless attempt to save his ears from damage as Lily screams down the phone in excitement. “Tonight?!”

Laughing, Remus confirms, “Tonight.”

“Oh my bloody god, Remus this is brilliant! You _have_ to send me your outfit choices.”

Remus wasn’t even worrying about clothes, just planning on throwing something random together. But Lily’s comment makes him nervous, and he says as much to her.

“Oh, anything you wear you’ll look good in,” she reassures him, “you must have some ‘smarter’ jumpers, right? Just send me some options.”

And that’s what Remus does, laying a couple outfits on his bed. They’re nothing special by any means, but Remus likes to think they’re hopefully a little nicer than the usual ratty jumpers he wears at the library. 

Then again, Sirius liked the way he looked at the library, didn't he? Or maybe that was just because he knew Remus would look better on dates? Best not to overthink it, Remus decides, sending over the two outfits to Lily. 

The first is a simple light brown turtleneck jumper, paired with some darker trousers and a jacket in case they’re outside. The second is pretty similar, with a dark green turtleneck and the same dark trousers. Hastily, he throws a denim jacket in the picture too. 

Lily responds promptly, telling him to go with the first one, so he does as told. Though as he walks down the street, one hand shoved in the pocket of his patchy jacket, the other carrying a folded blanket, he worries he may have made the wrong decision letting Lily help him with clothes. Too late now, he supposes. 

He spots Sirius, wearing his leather jacket, but this time with a black shirt, tucked into black trousers, the outfit coming together nicely with a belt. Remus doesn’t think black has ever looked this good on anyone. 

As often seems his reaction to Remus’ arrival, Sirius’ demeanour completely changes, face lighting up and hand waving frantically, as if Remus couldn’t already spot him. 

As he walks over, Remus notices silver and black rings on the hand that’s still waving. Remus has no shame in admitting this is extremely attractive and only adds to Sirius’ incredibly gorgeous appearance. He wonders what those rings would feel like against his skin. The cool touch of metal against, maybe his cheek, as Sirius cups his face…

He shakes those thoughts away, berating himself for daydreaming about the man standing right in front of him. 

“You came-” Sirius says, in disbelief, and Remus almost feels a little offended. Of course he would come. 

“Why wouldn’t I?” Remus asks, picking at the frayed edge of the folded blanket, just to occupy his hands somehow. 

“It’s silly. Just- me being silly. Ignore it,” Sirius waves dismissively. “We’ve got a great evening ahead of us.”

“Am I allowed to know what it is, yet?”

Sirius tilts his head, grinning, “Mmm not yet. But soon, I promise! But first, we need snacks.” He offers his hand out to Remus, who tentatively takes it, surprised at how warm it feels.

The breeze, albeit light, is a little on the colder side today, and Remus is glad he’s wearing a jacket as well as a big jumper. Maybe Lily’s advice did prove to be useful after all. 

As he looks down at their joined hands, Remus notices a small black band around Sirius’ wrist. He’s about to ask if it’s some kind of bracelet when he puts two and two together and realises it’s a hair tie. Makes sense, he supposes, as he looks at the length of Sirius’ hair, that flows a bit with the wind. Smart idea, keeping hair ties on him. 

Their trip to the local Tesco was short, grabbing both sweet and savoury snacks. Remus teases Sirius for his very basic choice in meal deal sandwich - cheese and ham. But Sirius only shrugs and replies, “I’m a simple man with simple tastes.”

“Will you tell me what the date is, now?” Remus asks, and is relieved when Sirius nods, smiling.

“Well, since you were so obsessed with that stars book-”

“I was looking at it for _one_ second!” Remus defends.

“I thought what better way to put your extensive knowledge of astronomy to the test, than with a stargazing date?”

Remus doesn’t know what to think about that. It’s a brilliant idea, and not at all what he was expecting. He also feels a little giddy at Sirius mentioning that it’s a date. Realistically he knows Sirius knows it’s a date, but it’s nice hearing him say it all the same. “I wasn’t expecting you to say stargazing,” he smiles, a little shy. “I guess this is what the blanket’s for, then.”

“Yeah! I think it could be quite fun…? Lying on the grass, looking at the stars.”

“I’m looking forward to it.” Remus is the one to take Sirius’ hand this time. “Let’s go.”

Once they reach the gardens, and settle down on the blanket laid out on a patch of grass, Remus finally lets himself relax, tucking into some of the snacks they bought. He finds if he distracts himself by keeping up conversation, he doesn’t have to think too much about the food. 

“You never told me what it is you do.”

Sirius finishes his mouthful, doing that funny little dance to show he’s still chewing. Normally anyone, Remus included, would find that goofy or awkward, but it’s only endearing to him. 

“I don’t really have anything secure but I do odd jobs here and there. At the moment, I’m tutoring maths and english to a few kids, young-ish, early secondary school. It’s good. Rewarding. It’s nice seeing the kids’ abilities grow.”

Remus smiles, thinking about Oscar, “Yeah I feel like that with some of the regular kids at the read-alongs.”

“Everyone loves you at those read-alongs,” Sirius says, then looks over at him, “I mean, who can blame them, but still.” he shrugs. 

Remus looks down at the ground, cheeks tinting a little. He hides his smile behind his sandwich. Not that he’s really been on many dates before, but this one is already the most fun and informal. It’s comfortable, sitting next to Sirius, talking about whatever comes up in conversation. It’s easy. He doesn’t know why he was worrying about this so much. He feels like he could talk and listen to Sirius forever. 

Once it starts getting darker, and they’ve both eaten plenty of food, Sirius and Remus lie down, looking up at the sky, where there are already a few stars dotted around the place. The moon is particularly bright tonight too. 

“What’s your favourite movie?” Sirius asks.

“Don’t watch a lot of movies.”

“What?!” 

Remus chuckles slightly, turning his head a bit, “I prefer books.”

“But movies are _so much_ better.”

“I don’t know if you’re intentionally trying to pick a fight with the librarian, but I respectfully disagree. Books are better.”

“How could you say that, Rem! Movies are awesome.”

“Movies do all the imagining in the story for you.”

Sirius hums, sighing, “Alright you got me there. But I will still stand by my decision.”

Remus smiles, trying to count the stars in the sky. “I‘ve always liked the original Spider-man.”

“Oo Tobey Maguire.” Sirius teases.

“Nah, it’s James Franco in that for me.” he sighs wistfully, as if remembering an old friend, not a hot guy in a movie. Franco’s got nothing on Sirius, though. 

“Mm. My favourite movie is About Time.”

“I don’t think I’ve seen that one.”

“Really? Oh my god, Rem, you have to watch it. We could watch it together sometime.”

Remus nods, feeling a little fuzzy round the edges at Sirius assuming they’ll be hanging out for more than just today. It’s sweet, but also a little scary. He tries to ignore the latter. 

They dip in and out of conversation for a little, until they fall quiet, happy just looking at the sky. The weather this evening is mild, and Sirius has found a place that’s pretty secluded. They’ve only been interrupted once, by a young teenage couple, but they scattered once they saw Sirius and Remus. 

Sirius is the first one to break the silence, sitting up and turning to face Remus as he asks very randomly, “What’s the best song?”

“Hm?” Remus looks up at him from his position still lying on the blanket. 

“Like- what’s the _best song_. Not your favourite, but… what song is the most perfectly written and performed?”

“That’s a tough question,” Remus sighs, bringing his attention back to the stars above him. He racks his brain, trying to think. Why is it when people ask questions like this that Remus’ mind all of a sudden blanks?

“I’ve got mine.”

 _Of course he fucking does._ Remus hums his acknowledgement, foregoing thinking about how similar an excited puppy and Sirius are in favour of choosing a song. A perfect song. He thinks he’s got one.

“Alright, me too.”

Sirius grins brightly, and Remus wonders absently why they need the stars in the night sky when Sirius’ face would light up the whole world. “Let’s say it at the same time.”

Remus joins him in sitting up, and crosses his legs. He raises his eyebrows at the dark haired man in anticipation.

“Three.

Two.

One…”

“Once in a lifetime.”

“A day in the life.”

“Hey, we both said ‘life’ songs!”

Remus smiles, “Looks like we did.”

“The Beatles. Such an obvious choice,” Sirius shakes his head in mock disappointment. 

Remus can only smile wider, retorting, “Doesn’t mean I’m wrong. And you’re one to talk, Talking Heads.”

Sirius’ shoulders shake as he tips his head back, eyes crinkled at the corners. “Nah, I will admit yours is a good choice.”

“As is yours.” Remus replies, and Sirius’ smile brings out that little dimple on his right cheek. Remus once again wants to reach out and touch it. Touch _him._

Is it too soon?

His heart leaps when he feels Sirius’ hand on top of his own. He turns his palm upward, to meet Sirius’, revelling in the warmth as he looks down at their now joined hands, then back up at Sirius, who has now shifted a little closer. 

He sees Sirius lean in first, and while it doesn’t take him by surprise, it still stutters his heartbeat. Especially when he then feels the cool press of Sirius’ rings against his skin as he cups his cheek.

Sirius keeps his eyes locked on him, and time stretches way too far apart, Remus finding himself leaning in too, wanting to close the gap.

Finally.

Their lips brush. Once, then twice. They’re the faintest of kisses, over as quick as they start, but Remus leans in again, desperate for more. He wants to open his mouth, wants to pull him in, wants something, _anything_ from Sirius that indicates this means just as much to him. 

He kisses him again, deeper, and presses closer. He tries to put everything into the kiss, all the emotion, all the insecurity, all the trust, but it’s still way too short. Maybe this is all this is. Just a kiss. Does Sirius even realise? How long it’s been since someone has gotten close to Remus like this-

He huffs a frustrated breath as Sirius teasingly pulls away, the action having the opposite effect and only drawing him further in. All Remus can do is rest his forehead against Sirius’, not wanting to open his eyes. Not wanting this moment to end. 

Their breaths tangle together, puffing against the other’s lips. Remus can smell that damn coconut shampoo again. Their closeness is driving him crazy, as is the silence. 

Eventually, he opens his eyes to find that Sirius is already looking at him. He reluctantly pulls away from their embrace, putting a little distance between their faces as he runs a self-conscious hand through his hair, cheeks tinting. “What?” he asks.

Sirius only smiles, soft around the edges. Even his eyes look soft. Like honey. Sticky and sweet. Contrasting the usual sharpness of the grey.

“What?” Remus asks again, wobbly smile on his own face. He’s nervous, as Sirius watches him, as everything that just happened catches up to him. 

“You really have no idea how wonderful you are.”

_Oh._

Remus ducks his head, willing himself not to cry; he can already feel the emotions bubbling up inside. Remus can’t describe what Sirius’ words do to him, but that doesn’t lessen the fear he feels. He’s still scared. He doesn’t want to open up too soon. But, as he feels the tingle of their kiss lingering on his lips, Remus fears it’s too late for that now. 

Sirius holds his chin carefully, then tilts his head up oh-so-gently to meet his eyes. He still has that lovesick smile on his face. Remus wants to kiss him again. 

“You’re perfect.” Sirius’ voice is so soft and quiet that Remus almost doesn’t catch what he said. His cheeks darken and he looks away, chewing on his bottom lip in thought.

“I’m not perfect, Sirius,” he whispers. 

“You are to me. And that’s enough.” 

That seems to break the dam. Remus can no longer hold back the stream of tears that pour down his face, his breath hitching as he inhales slowly, eyes falling shut.

“Rem-” Sirius cups both of his cheeks, prompting him to open his eyes again, shiny and watery.

“I don’t deserve you,” he hiccups. 

Sirius makes a noise of protest, then brings his face closer, looking into his eyes. “Fuck what you deserve. Do you want me?” There's a sense of ferociousness behind his eyes. Adamant. Confident. Everything Remus isn’t. 

He nods. It feels like the easiest answer he’s ever given.

“Then I’m yours,” Sirius murmurs, “I’ve been yours since the day I met you.”

Remus sniffles, then notices that Sirius looks like he’s on the verge of tears as well. He opens his mouth to say something, but Sirius silences him with another kiss. This time deeper, closer, hotter. Remus’ nose is wet but he can’t tell if it’s his or Sirius’ tears. 

He clings onto him, holding onto every swoop and fall, every breath and cry, holds onto Sirius. “I want you, I want you, I want you,” he whispers as they breathe between kisses, like a mantra. Repeating, and repeating. 

Sirius laughs against his lips, and Remus can’t help but join him. “I want you too,” Sirius whispers back. 

There’s so much Remus wants to say, the sudden outburst of emotions from both of them spurring him on to continue, but he only falls deeper, letting Sirius take his weight as he leans more and more into him.

 _‘I’m scared you’ll leave me.’_ He doesn’t say. But it seems like he doesn’t need to, because, then, Sirius is pulling Remus into a hug, arms wrapped tight around his waist as he murmurs into his hair:

“You’re stuck with me now, Rem.”

They stay like that for a while, content in just being in each other’s arms. Eventually, Sirius manoeuvres both of them to lie down on the blanket, Remus’ head on his chest, body curling towards him. He’s so drawn to Sirius, and now it feels so cathartic to give in to that attraction.

 _This feels right,_ Remus thinks, as Sirius keeps his arms around him. Secure. Safe. Loved. He doesn’t know how he went so long without it. Maybe this is all he needs. Maybe this is why Remus couldn’t be happy before. Because he’s never been held like this. Been kissed like this. 

Everything feels like it’s falling into place.

Remus lifts his head to see Sirius, who’s looking up at the sky. He seems calm. Content. Remus hopes Sirius feels as happy as he does right now. He brings his own attention to the sky, and just watches for a bit, his own head moving up and down with the rise and fall of Sirius’ chest as he breathes in and out. Like waves in the ocean.

“Which one’s you?” he asks quietly, watching out of the corner of his eye as Sirius’ lips turn up into a smile. 

“You remembered,” he says in a soft, breathy voice. As if he genuinely doesn’t believe it. 

“I remembered.” Remus whispers back, placing a hand on Sirius’ chest to lift himself up a little, bringing their faces closer together, Remus hovering over him. “I remember everything about you.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Like what?”

“Like that dimple you only have on your right cheek when you smile.”

Sirius, in turn, smiles, eyes bright, looking up at him, “What?”

“See! There it is.” Remus pokes his cheek, laughing. Sirius only smiles even more, prompting Remus to poke his cheek again. 

“It’s adorable,” he says gently, and this time, he doesn’t pull his hand away. Instead, he moves his hand, slowly, across the smooth skin of his face, Sirius letting out a quiet sigh as his eyes flicker shut. Remus’ breath hitches a little as he drags a thumb across his cheekbone. It feels like a prayer, like an unspoken secret between the two of them as Remus then lies his palm flat, and cups his cheek, cradling his face. The tenderness of the moment makes his breath catch in his throat. He hasn’t been this close to someone in years. And somehow it feels different with Sirius. Everything feels different with Sirius. 

“Is it bad if I want to kiss you again?” Remus asks, and he feels a hand slowly move up his arm, fingers curling around his wrist. Sirius holds him in place with a gentle grip, and opens his eyes, that are now darker than before. 

“Please kiss me,” Sirius breathes, and that’s all the confirmation Remus needs before crashing their lips together once more. Emboldened by having already kissed him, Remus is even more eager, but Sirius smiles, the split of his lips breaking the kiss. He laughs a little and Remus feels the breath on his own lips.

He tries to kiss him again, but Sirius only laughs more, and Remus sighs and tries to pull away. Sirius keeps him close, though, gentle hand rubbing up and down his back, “hey,” he murmurs, “I’m not going anywhere.”

Remus opens his mouth to say something but is silenced by a sweet kiss from Sirius. “I’m not going anywhere,” he repeats against his lips, and all of a sudden, Remus feels like crying again. “There’s no rush, love.” Sirius says, hand settling on the back of his neck, and guiding Remus’ lips to his own again, taking their time with each other. 

Kissing Sirius feels like chocolate melting in your mouth. It’s addicting, intoxicating and so, so sweet. Sirius doesn’t appear to want any more than kissing, which is reassuring. Especially because even Sirius’ lips are starting to become overwhelming. Remus pulls away to catch his breath, but still keeps their faces close.

Sirius’ smile turns a little doubtful, hand at the back of Remus’ neck now tangling in the curls of his hair. “This isn’t… this isn’t just a one time thing is it?”

“No,” Remus says, perhaps a little too quickly. He takes a breath, before continuing, “I- I would like to see you again.”

“Can I walk you home?”

Remus nods, leaning in to kiss him again.

Sirius smiles against his lips, “this isn’t walking you home.”

“Mm it’s better though.”

Sirius sighs, “Oh god, definitely.”

***

When they finally get up and make their way back to Remus’ flat building, they both begin to realise that this date is coming to an end. It’s strange, Remus doesn’t want it to end. He’s grown fond of Sirius in the past few hours. Far more than he anticipated. He’s about to say as much when Sirius speaks instead. 

“Is tomorrow too soon for a second date?” he asks, smiling sheepishly, and Remus can only laugh. 

“Alright. Let’s do it.”

“Yeah?” Sirius sounds way too excited. He really is just a giant puppy. He swings their joined hands between them, and when Remus turns to him, he looks like he’s going to burst, grinning widely. 

“Yeah.” Remus stops when they get outside of his flat building, taking Sirius’ other hand. “Yeah, why don’t you meet me here?”

“Alright, I will. Maybe we could have lunch together?” Sirius suggests, and Remus nods, his cheeks hurting from all the smiling he’s done tonight. His lips also tingle from the remnants of their last kiss, but he isn’t exactly complaining about that either. 

They fall quiet, and despite now knowing he’ll see him tomorrow, Remus still doesn’t want Sirius to leave.

“I know you were a little hesitant at first, but…” Sirius looks at him earnestly as he says quietly, “I’m really glad you gave me a chance.”

Remus could kiss him again, only he’s unsure if he’d be able to let Sirius go if he does. Instead he leans in and kisses his cheek, then says,

“I’m really glad too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we finally did it! their first date! hope u guys enjoyed. 
> 
> i’ve had a few of y’all asking how long this fic is going to be, and all i can say is we’re still very much in the beginning. we’ve a long way to go!
> 
> thanks for all the comments and kudos, i love each and every one of u
> 
> come check me out on tumblr - **inloveoknutzy**


	10. Jam on Toast

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius arrives at Remus’ apartment for their second date. Will it go as well as the first one?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ily jess fleetingpieces ty for looking at this and letting me scream at u about everything <3
> 
> **CW panic attack, insomnia, depression, brief mention of past abuse and mention of food**

Remus can’t sleep. He can’t fucking sleep. You’d think after such a brilliant night, he’d sleep, content with the fact that he likes Sirius and Sirius likes him back, but no. His mind has decided to betray him tonight and keep him up ‘til fuck-knows what time, worrying about everything and nothing.

He tries to squeeze his eyes shut, focus on something other than the crazy thoughts in his brain, like the feel of Sirius’ lips on his own, the feeling of being held by him, but it’s no use. Nothing seems to be calming him down. 

He tries music. Pulls up his app and presses play on one of his playlists. The first song is Just Like Honey. The Jesus and Mary Chain. The scratchy guitar does the trick, coincidentally feeling like it scratches an itch in the back of his mind, letting himself calm down. 

That is until he starts focusing on the lyrics even more than usual. 

_For you_  
_For you_  
_I’ll be your plastic toy_  
_I’ll be your plastic toy_

Is he just a plastic toy?

Is Sirius using him? Just like Fenrir did? Play around with him until he’s bored and toss him aside? Kids grow out of toys all the time. Play with them until they’re not shiny and new anymore. Maybe that is what he is.

Just a plastic toy. 

But then if Sirius really saw him as something to just play with, surely he would’ve pushed for more then, wouldn’t he? He wouldn’t drag this out for as long as it’s been so far.

Remus goes back and forth between the two ideas. He tries to make sense of the confusion in his head. Sirius is a sweet guy. He’s kind and considerate and understanding. _But then again, so was Fenrir in the beginning._

Ugh, the voice in his brain won’t stop making little comments as he tries to decide how to feel about this.

No. Sirius is nice. If he really wanted to use Remus, he would’ve done that tonight. But he didn’t. Which shows how much of a good and understanding guy he is. 

_Too good for you._

It feels like for hours Remus fights with his mind, and in all honesty, he can’t tell who’s winning. An endless battle, a warped, evil version of picking flower petals. He loves me, he loves me not… 

As the night drags on to morning, still with no sleep, Remus feels like his head is stuck on the edge of something, he doesn’t even know what. He feels confused, but that’s probably due to the insomnia.

He would check the time but he actually feels like maybe he’s reached the point of exhaustion and will pass out any second. 

That is, until he hears a knock at the door. 

He jumps straight out of bed, heart beating wildly. Fuck. Sirius is here already. He thought he’d have time to get his shit together, but evidently not. 

He takes a look in the mirror and immediately cringes. Oh god, he looks a mess. Hair ruffled from pulling at it, skin pale and even his eyes just look like holes in his face. 

_Well, this was fun while it lasted._

Remus takes a shaky breath, then with a decisive nod, walks over to open the door, now strangely even more aware of how awful he looks as Sirius’ eyes are on him. 

“Are you okay?” is the first thing he asks, and Remus’ heart breaks at just how wonderful this man is. It makes it even harder that he knows he won’t be able to see him again.

“I-I’m sorry.” Remus already feels that lump forming in his throat, eyes watering. His nose is a little sniffly too. “I didn’t sleep well and- and- I get it if you don’t-” he stumbles over his words, then noticing what Sirius is carrying. “Are those flowers?”

“Oh- yeah…”

That explains the itchy nose. “I’m allergic.”

“Shit. Of course you are. Fuck, okay look- I’m gonna throw these outside,” Sirius holds up the flowers, “then I’ll come back up and- we don’t have to do anything we can call off the date whatever I just- I wanna make sure you’re okay.”

All Remus can do is nod, staring at the man in front of him with wide eyes as he turns and rushes back downstairs. He can feel a panic attack coming along and honestly it’s just perfect timing, isn’t it? Better he figures out the truth sooner rather than later. About how much of a mess Remus’ life is.

He feels stupid for thinking this could work, and as he closes the door, breathing becoming more erratic, he fears maybe Sirius was letting him down easy, and wasn’t going to come back. 

He lowers himself to the floor, head spinning. He places his hands flat on the cold tiles, hoping the temperature would ground him, but he still can’t breathe properly. It’s so exhausting having panic attacks as often as he does. It feels like he can recognise when they’re happening but there’s no way to prevent them.

It’s an odd sort of torture, like being forced to watch something awful happening with no power to stop it. 

He doesn’t know how long he spends on the floor of the kitchen, but through the messed up muddle in his head, the only clear thought he can register is _‘please wait for me, Sirius, please wait for me’._

This only leads him spiralling further, and he can hear his heartbeat throbbing between his ears, as well as a vague knocking at the door, but he can’t even feel his legs now, let alone get up to open it.

 _You’re so dramatic, just calm down!!_ He tugs at his hair, trying to get the feeling back in his body. He hopes through frustration and anger he can get back to himself, but it proves to take longer than usual, any of his typical calming techniques thrown out of the window in favour of the little person in his brain shouting at him to _get a grip!_

The frustration soon dwindles into weak desperation, begging someone, he doesn’t really know who, to rid him of the pain and hurt in his life. _It’s just starting to get good, damnnit!_

After another few minutes pass, but it seems more like hours, he finally becomes more himself again. It’s another minute before he gets the motivation to stand on wobbly legs, walking over to the sink and splashing his face with water. 

He doesn’t want to check. Doesn’t want to know. Wishes he could live in the fantasy that Sirius likes him forever, but he needs to face the fact that he may just not be lovable. He rubs his face, takes a still slightly shaky breath and walks over to the door. He inhales one more time before pulling it open, exhaling in overwhelming relief when he sees Sirius sitting on the floor of the hallway, who gets up, just in time to catch Remus who all but falls into his arms, hugging him tightly.

“You waited,” he whispers into his shoulder. 

Sirius wraps his arms around his waist, pulling him closer as he gently whispers back, “Of course I waited.”

“I’m so sorry. It’s just that you were gone- and then I closed the door and it was like I couldn’t breathe-” Remus rambles on, working himself up again as he breathes a little quicker.

Sirius only shakes his head, “It’s okay,” he says, pulling away from the hug so as not to overwhelm him. His voice is quiet and comforting, “you wanna sit down? I can get you a glass of water?” he suggests.

Remus nods, letting him in. He scratches his head, looking around the apartment with ‘fresh eyes’, like you do when someone new comes in, pretending you’re seeing it for the first time as well. He sits at the table in the middle of his kitchen, hands wringing nervously as he watches Sirius fill a glass of water. 

“I’m sorry,” he says, not sure what else to say in the odd predicament they find themselves in.

“No need to be sorry. How are you feeling?” Sirius asks as he places the glass in front of Remus. His eyes are soft, understanding. He feels like he doesn’t deserve such care and attention. After all, he’s the one that just fucked up their next date when the first one went so well.

“Um- better,” he clears his throat, then remembering he has water now. “Thanks. I- I don’t think I’m gonna be up for going out today. I’m sorry.”

“That’s alright,” Sirius smiles, taking a seat opposite Remus. They sit in silence for a while, Remus taking slow sips of his water. “I don’t wanna be forward, but if you want me to just stay here with you, I can.”

Remus blinks at him, not expecting him to say that. Sirius still wanting to be with him when he is a complete and utter mess is an idea Remus can’t even begin to wrap his head around. There must be a catch, right? But Sirius is just looking at him so earnestly. If this guy had ulterior motives, surely he would’ve acted upon them by now… right?

“I won’t be able to keep up much conversation,” Remus warns, and Sirius just smiles easily.

“That’s okay, I just wanna be with you.”

Remus pulls his bottom lip between his teeth and looks away, shaking his head, wry smile on his face as he says, “Stop or I’m gonna cry again.”

Sirius laughs, “Sorry. But it is true. I don’t care what we do as long as I get to spend time with you.”

“I don’t get what's so great about me, but alright,” Remus concedes, feeling a lot lighter now that Sirius is staying. It’s not enough to calm him down completely, and the remnants of his sleep-deprived night seem to start trickling in again. He’s too exhausted to even fight the yawn that comes out of his mouth. 

“If you wanna go lie down for a bit that’s fine, Rem,” Sirius says gently, head tilted a little as he watches him. 

Remus blushes, realising once again what a mess he must look like, especially in his pyjamas. “Maybe that’s a good idea. Um- you can come. I can lie down and you can talk for a bit?” he feels silly for suggesting it. Maybe Sirius meant he should lie down so he could leave.

“Let’s do it!” Sirius nods enthusiastically, standing up and grinning at Remus, who is still a little unbalanced when he first gets up.

“Sorry for the mess,” he pulls the sleeves of his jumper down over his hands, shuffling across the hardwood floor in his fluffy socks. He stops when he doesn’t hear footsteps behind him, and turns to see Sirius hopping on one leg, trying to pull his black boots off.

Remus covers his mouth with his hand, watching this adorable man struggle to take off his boots. “Oh- you don’t have to take your shoes off-”

Sirius blows a puff of air to get the hair out of his face, looking over at Remus, cheeks redder than before. “Oh it’s okay- I just did these up really tight-” he tugs once more, then deciding it’ll be best to sit on the floor and untie his laces like a normal person.

Remus stands in front of his bed, picking at a loose thread on his jumper as he waits for Sirius to come over, now in just socks.

“Look- I- I’m really sorry and you can just go right now, it’s fine I’ll understand, but with my head still all panicky like this… I’m gonna freak out if you get on my bed,” Remus admits, eyes flitting over Sirius’ face nervously, gauging his reaction.

And of course he’s completely understanding, nodding and smiling like that’s the most normal request in the world. “Just chuck me a pillow, I'll sit on the floor beside you.”

“I feel so bad,” Remus rubs his face, sighing.

“Hey- no it’s cool. You’re fine, I want you to be comfortable.”

“Are you sure?”

“Positive.”

So, Remus hands Sirius a pillow, then gets situated back in bed, pulling the covers up to his chin. He lets himself relax in the warmth, practically melting into the mattress. He looks at Sirius, who smiles back at him, knees brought up to his chest, sitting on the floor.

“Did you walk here?” Remus asks.

“Yeah, it’s not too far for me. Oh my god, I saw the cutest dog on my walk over, as well. I stopped to pet him- don’t look at me like that, I love dogs,” Sirius grins. “He was so fluffy and all black and just so cute, Rem.”

“You sure you weren’t looking in the mirror?” Remus smiles, cheek pressed against his pillow as he curls in on himself a little. 

“Oh _ha-ha_ very funny.” Sirius rolls his eyes, but the grin stays plastered on his face. “I’ve always wanted a dog. Never had one. Maybe I should get a dog,” he tilts his head in consideration.

Remus is content just listening to Sirius for a bit, humming his acknowledgement, or nodding every now and then, feeling a lot more at ease. There’s something about Sirius’ presence that makes him feel very safe. He wonders if Sirius feels the same about being around him.

Soon, Sirius complains about his butt going numb, and chooses to remedy that by lying down on the floor instead. Remus can’t see him anymore, so he pulls an arm out from under the covers and hangs his hand over the edge. 

Sirius reaches up and takes his hand, Remus smiling to himself as he listens to Sirius’ story of how he found a frog in his sink the other day. 

***

After another story, about his first time looking after Harry, Sirius then pulls his hand away, apologising and saying with a laugh, “Sorry, I just can’t feel my arm.”

Remus, feeling a little better after lying down, sits up, prompting Sirius to do the same. After some struggling to lug the duvet over, he moves to sit on the floor beside Sirius, wrapping the covers round both of them. 

Sirius helps, and soon enough they’re sitting shoulder to shoulder, cuddled up underneath the heavy duvet. It’s super warm, which Remus loves, as well as now being much closer to Sirius. He looks down and takes his hand, occupying his own fingers by playing with Sirius’, before intertwining them. 

A comfortable silence stretches between the two, before Remus says very quietly, “I’m sorry this isn’t a very typical second date.” 

Sirius squeezes his hand gently, “Rem, the second time we met, I spilled hot chocolate all over you and you had a panic attack. I don’t think we should be too concerned about trying to go about this the ‘normal way.’”

Remus shrugs, smiling, “I guess not.”

“Besides, fuck the normal way. That shit’s boring.”

“Oh yeah, because this is so great,” Remus says sarcastically, gesturing to their situation, though Sirius either doesn’t pick up on or just ignores his dry tone, and instead smiles cutely at him.

“Yeah, it is great.”

Remus turns to face him. “I’m gonna be like this a lot. Panicky. And- sad, and tired…”

“Okay.”

Remus shakes his head, almost in disbelief. Surely Sirius doesn’t understand what Remus meant. How could he just say okay to being with someone like him?

“... And you’re okay with that?” he asks, frowning a little. 

Sirius sighs, “Look- I hope I’m not speaking out of turn here, but- I’m already pretty gone for you, Remus,” he smiles, wobbly and unsure. Remus wants to reassure him that he feels the same, but Sirius continues. “And… it’s clear you’ve been through some shitty stuff. I’ve had my fair share of trauma too.”

Remus didn’t even consider Sirius could have gone through stuff before. He feels bad for not thinking about that. Too caught up in the craziness of his own thoughts. 

“I don’t want you to feel pressured to tell me anything about it unless you’re ready. But, in the meantime, you shouldn’t deprive yourself of the things you want just because you think you don’t deserve it. You’re allowed to have the things you want,” Sirius says quietly. 

Remus leans in a little closer. “Like you?” he asks, revelling in the light blush that tints Sirius’ cheeks. 

“Um- yeah, I recall you saying something about that last night,” Sirius instinctively leans in too, eyes set on Remus’.

“Oh really?”

“Yeah… maybe you need reminding?”

“That’s a good idea,” Remus breathes. 

“Maybe I should- mmph-” 

Remus brings his own lips to Sirius’, heart flipping as he feels a hand on his cheek. The kisses are chaste, but slow. It’s clear Sirius is letting Remus set the pace which is sweet and just makes Remus want to kiss him even more.

Everything feels unrushed. Like they have all the time in the world to just be in the company of one another. It feels new, but really familiar at the same time. Like they just… _click._

***

The rest of the day goes by in a similar fashion, Sirius mainly doing the talking, with Remus interrupting him every now and then with little kisses which throw Sirius off his rhythm. _“I’m trying to concentrate here, Rem,”_ he complains, but never ceases in kissing him back or smiling brightly. 

Sweet is the only way to describe the day. But a specific type of sweet. Sweet like jam on toast. He tries to explain this to Sirius.

“What do you mean ‘like jam on toast’?”

Remus tucks his legs underneath himself, sipping his tea. Sirius made them both cups earlier, then they both couldn’t be bothered to move, so now they’re sat on the floor in the kitchen, the duvet still wrapped round both of them. 

“There are different types of sweet. Like toffee. Toffee is too chewy. Sticky and-” he waves a hand, “bleh.”

Sirius copies his hand movement. “Bleh?”

“Yes. Bleh.” After Sirius nods for him to continue, he does, but not before taking another sip of his tea. “Toffee is sweet, yes, but it’s hard work. And yeah, maybe one day it feels nice to have a toffee, but today is not one of those days. Today is a jam on toast day. Simple. Easy. But still so sweet.”

Sirius just stares at him from over the top of his cup of tea, in awe. “The way your brain works amazes me,” he whispers. 

“Fuck off,” Remus snorts into his mug.

“Nah, the worst part of it is that actually makes sense.”

“Of course it makes sense,” Remus says, mock-affronted. “This is serious stuff.”

Sirius’ eyes sparkle and his lips turn up into a grin. “No don’t do it-” Remus warns, but Sirius still goes to open his mouth- “I know what you’re gonna say-”

“I’m-”

“No!”

“But I’m-”

“Don’t-”

“But _I’m_ Sirius!”

Remus groans, as Sirius bursts into laughter, letting his head fall back. “That’s it, I’m putting a stop to this now. No more Sirius jokes. I’m ser-” he catches himself just in time, but it still cracks Sirius up even more, “ _I’m being genuine._ ” 

Sirius won’t stop laughing and Remus can’t help but join him too, a happiness bubbling inside him he can’t explain, but knows it’s one hundred percent to do with the man beside him.

“You’re more lively,” Sirius notices, once they’ve both calmed down.

Remus smiles, a bit shy all of a sudden, “Yeah, I am.”

He likes it. He likes how he feels around Sirius. There’s still a lingering bit of anxiety, poking at the back of his brain, and maybe that’s why he’s a bit more lively. He doesn’t really know. He knows that he likes being with Sirius, though. 

“I like you even when you’re not lively, too. Just so we’re clear.”

“I like you even when you tell jokes that aren’t funny,” Remus says back and Sirius gasps, pretending to be offended, but makes no effort to hide the smile on his face. Sirius is very smiley. He pauses for a moment, looking at Remus before saying very softly,

“I like you on jam on toast days.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> umm don’t ask me how i wrote this chapter so quickly bc i won’t be able to tell you hahah - hope this is a nice early surprise for y’all  
> thank u for all the comments, we’ve gotten 150 kudos that’s crazy !!  
> love u all thanks for the support <3


	11. New Assistant

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus reflects on the two dates, unable to stop thinking of Sirius. He brings Alice up to speed on everything that’s happened and encounters little Oscar again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> big thank u to jess fleetingpieces, bethan, madsholland for beta’ing and looking through this fic <3
> 
> and dani, my love. thank u for always supporting me too. 
> 
> **CONTENT WARNING:**  
>  **implications of child abuse**  
>  **eating disorder and mention of food**

“Okay, I can do this.” Remus mutters under his breath, psyching himself up. This is easy. It’s not difficult. All it requires is some focus. Focus on the task at hand, and not the feeling of warmth that bled into his skin as Sirius leaned against him not even twenty-four hours ago. His bright, curious smile as Remus explained his _‘ridiculous’_ metaphors for moments in time, his soft and gentle voice, occupying thoughts in his brain as he whispered ‘I’m already pretty gone for you, Remus’ and ‘I like you on jam on toast days’. 

He hopes for many more jam on toast days… 

Okay, all it requires is some focus and a _miracle_ to stop Remus from thinking about Sirius, even when he’s not around. It’s gotten to the stage where he can’t even remember what he thought about before Sirius came by. Like ever since they met, he’s parked in a space that was never really designed to be a space in his mind. Taking up too much room, blocking any other metal boxes of thoughts from getting out. 

What he’s trying to get at is, as unexpected as Sirius’ unrelenting appearance in his brain is, it’s not by any means unwelcome. Sirius left his apartment after their strangely domestic second date yesterday, and today, Remus is stuck at his desk in the library thinking about every detail of their time together as opposed to doing his actual job. And the worst part (or best, depending on how you look at it) is that he doesn’t care one bit. Sirius is all he can was think about and it’s fucking brilliant. 

“You’ve got it baaaad,” Alice sing-songs as she rolls her chair over to Remus, bumping into his own. 

“No I dooon’t,” he sings back. Sitting up straight and keeping his eyes on the computer screen is a poor disguise, which breaks completely as a smile creeps on his lips. 

Alice leans in closer, humming unconvinced. “You’re practically glowing, Remus.”

“Oh, piss off, that's just the monitor,” Remus rolls his eyes, but the smile gives no weight to his words, and Remus has a sneaking suspicion Alice notices this too. “Break?” he asks, standing up.

Alice nods and joins him, walking to the staff room. Ever since their first day working at the library, the two of them have always taken their breaks together. It started as Alice noticing how jittery Remus was and not wanting to leave him alone, then just developing into habit. Four years strong, it seems weird the days they don’t work together. 

Alice grabs Peter on their way, asking him to man the desk while they’re gone. Peter’s a funny bloke, standing even shorter than Alice, with blonde hair that always seems to be in desperate need of a haircut. More times than not, he can be found carrying a small stepladder to reach the higher shelves which Remus always finds hilarious, bless him. 

Once they enter the staff room, Alice pulls out her lunch, then eyes Remus, who evidently does not have any. 

“Had a big breakfast,” he explains, and call it her being in a good mood, but she doesn’t protest this time. He feels a little guilty lying to her but then again, if you look at it in another way, it’s like he’s saving her the embarrassment of watching him battle against his own mind as he tries to eat something he hadn’t planned to. 

“Come on, tell me what happened! I’ve been dying to know.” 

“Oh have you, now?”

“Of course I have! How was the first date?”

“Two dates,” he corrects, and as Alice slides closer to him, he busies himself with grabbing two cups from the cupboards. He’s always liked the way these ones close. There’s nothing particularly different or fascinating about it, he just likes the feel of the door shutting, clambering a little as it bumps once, twice, then closes completely. The clinking of ceramic as he sets down the mugs. He watches out the corner of his eye for Alice’s reaction, which does not disappoint. 

“Two dates?! And you didn’t tell me sooner?” She shakes his shoulders, and perhaps a few weeks ago, he may have been more deterred by it, but being in as good a mood as he is, Remus finds Alice’s excitement endearing. He fills the kettle with water and puts it on, hip now leaning against the counter. 

“Yes, two dates. The second was yesterday.”

“What did you do?”

Remus pulls his bottom lip between his teeth as he thinks about it. Sirius being so sweet and understanding, waiting for him outside his apartment, _with flowers!_

While he’s very much overjoyed about being with Sirius, he’s still coming to terms with just how wonderful he is. Like, how can one person be so… perfect?

“I don’t know, we just… talked.”

“Remus. For the first time in, like, forever, you look just as excited to talk as I do. Now, spill.”

Remus’ wide grin takes over his face. “Oh, he’s so cute, Alice,” he gushes. “The first date he took me stargazing, and we were just lying on the grass, looking up at the stars, talking about, I don’t know, everything.”

Alice’s hand covers her mouth to muffle her squeals, while doing a little happy dance on the spot, looking strangely like that penguin from Happy Feet. He has half a mind to join her, a giddy feeling bubbling inside him - something that’s becoming a common occurrence whenever Sirius is the subject of his thoughts. Which, as established already, is pretty much all the time. 

“And the second?” she asks.

Remus explains an abridged version of his panic attack yesterday morning, and how completely understanding Sirius was about the whole thing, as well as the rest of their home-date. He leaves out a few details, like their kisses and hand-holding. And the way Sirius sat on the floor beside his bed as he calmed down. 

“Do you like him?”

“Of course I do. Far too much for this early, I reckon.”

“Why do you say that?” Alice asks between bites of her sandwich. 

“I don’t know. I mean, I don’t really have much experience. Is it normal to feel so strongly this early? I only have one relationship to base this off of and…”

“Remus,” Alice interrupts him, but her voice remains gentle, “I don’t think you could really call that a relationship.”

“I-'' he pauses, caught off guard. Alice’s very little knowledge on his… _experiences_ with Fenrir are limited at best, but she seemed to have cottoned on rather quickly that it wasn’t a _‘happy relationship’_. Nor was it a _‘clean breakup’._

_Was it really that obvious how awfully he treated Remus?_

“Yeah. Yeah, well that just proves my point even more. I don’t know what I’m doing.”

“I think you’re doing pretty well.”

“But is it weird to like him so much after only the second date?”

Alice shakes her head, reaching over to take the kettle that’s now boiled and pours them both cups of tea. “I don’t think so. Sirius seemed pretty besotted even the first time he came here- oh would you get the milk, love?”

Remus does as told and once ready, takes a sip from his mug. “I told him. That I can be… difficult. But he just smiled and said ‘okay’. As if it was such a simple decision to make.” 

“It is when it’s someone as brilliant as you.”

“Oh fuck off,” Remus smiles then audibly sips his tea, in hope of filling the silence. “I actually don’t know when we’re seeing each other again.” 

“The fact you’re thinking about seeing him again is a good sign, though, isn’t it?”

“Yeah…” he smiles, “I suppose it is.”

After their break, Remus makes his way back to the desk, though when Peter says he’s got it handled, he instead thinks it’s best to take a look at the kid’s section and clean up any strewn books, as is often the case over there. He doesn’t expect to see Oscar, though, sitting on a blue bean bag (his favourite), reading Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland. 

Remus would find it cute, if he didn’t know that Oscar’s parents don’t let him come by the library very often. He walks over and crouches beside him, smiling when Oscar catches his eye. “I thought your parents only let you come on read-along days?” he asks, taking note of how Oscar twists his hands nervously in his lap. 

“Yeah… I told them there was another one today because- because I wanted to come.”

Remus’ heart just breaks. How bad could this kid’s home life be? To consider being alone in a public library a safe space? He sighs, sitting on the ground. “Oscar- the reason why your parents are okay with you coming here is because you’ll be supervised by me. You can’t come in all by yourself, what if something happened?” he asks in a gentle voice.

“They wouldn’t care,” Oscar mumbles, picking at the skin by his fingernails. Remus only notices because he does it too. He places a hand over Oscar’s and catches how his shoulders relax at the touch. “Sorry,” Oscar says, quieter, and Remus just wants to bundle him up in a big hug and never let go.

“That’s, alright, Oscar. Next time you want to do this, you’ll find me first?” Oscar only looks at him warily, so Remus continues, “you could be my assistant.”

His face lights up at the thought. “Really?!”

“Yeah! I always need help around here.”

“I can help you!” Oscar says eagerly. “I’ll come here _every day!”_

 _Maybe not every day,_ he’s about to say, but doesn’t want to dampen this kid’s mood anymore, so just smiles and nods. “Why don’t you come with me, I can get you a biscuit if you like?”

“Really!”

Remus laughs, “Yeah, really. Come on.” He takes Oscar’s hand and leads him off to the front desk again, where he knows there’s a tin of biscuits in one of the drawers. 

Oscar’s fascination and excitement would be typical of any other young child had it not been for countless interactions Remus has observed Oscar and his parents, in which he was always very quiet. He wonders what he can do about the situation, but it’s difficult given he’s not really that involved in Oscar’s life. 

At least for now, he can be a bearer of biscuits and books, he supposes. 

They round the corner and head towards the desk and Remus grins when he spots a familiar figure. 

“Don’t suppose you know where I can find some books, do you?”

Oscar giggles and answers for him, “This is a library! There’s books everywhere!”

Sirius, who’s standing by the desk, is dressed today in a white vintage Bowie shirt and typical black jeans. He has taken off his leather jacket, showing off so much _skin_. And those _arms_ , god. Remus sees a tattoo on his forearm he’s never noticed before and he wonders what it is. But the thought is short lived as Sirius laughs back at Oscar, shaking his head, “Oh, silly me. You’re so right.”

“You were the man who came with Harry before,” Oscar points out, and Remus feels like maybe he should just leave the two of them to it. But that’s before he catches the way Sirius glances at him every few seconds even as he talks to Oscar. 

“Yes, I was. Unfortunately he’s not here with me today, but he’ll come to the read along again!”

“I’ll be there! I’m Remus’ new assistant, so you’ll be seeing a lot of me.”

Remus smiles down at Oscar, then back up at Sirius, as if to say _‘isn’t he so cute?’_

Oscar being the cute one, not Sirius. 

Well, Sirius _is_ cute… 

Remus is just going to stop thinking. 

“I see, I see,” Sirius says, nodding along to whatever Oscar’s talking about. “Well, did you want a cookie? I brought a spare.” He pulls out a packet from his bag. 

“That’s okay, Remus is getting me a biscuit,” Oscar says politely, reaching his hand up to hold Remus’ again. 

“You can have both, Oscar,” Remus says, grinning at the way he looks like he just got told Christmas is coming early.

“No way!” Oscar says in disbelief, holding the cookie that Sirius gives him. Remus is glad for Oscar being there, acting as a buffer. He was worried it might be awkward the next time he sees Sirius, but now it just feels like they’ve known each other forever. He guesses that’s partly to do with being in the library, somewhere they’ve both been before. 

“This is the best day of my life,” Oscar says quietly, looking in awe at the cookie, and Remus can’t help it. He crouches down and pulls Oscar into a hug, knowing all too well how incredible it feels like for someone to show they care after no one caring for so long. 

“I wish I could stay here forever,” Oscar whispers into Remus’ shoulder, wrapping his little arms around his neck. Remus hugs him a bit tighter, hoping to give this kid as much love and care as he deserves. He hates that he clearly doesn’t get this at home. 

Alice turns up behind them and takes Oscar off to grab a biscuit, leaving Remus to talk to Sirius. He’s grateful for her picking up on that. 

Remus walks back over to the kid’s section where he was originally going to clean up, Sirius joining him. 

“This isn’t too much, is it?” he asks, and Remus shakes his head quickly.

“No- no, it’s a nice surprise.” Remus smiles, shouldering him playfully as they walk. Sirius nudges him back, looking uncharacteristically shy.

“Been thinking about you,” he admits, and it’s now Remus’ turn to look at him shyly. 

“Really?” 

“‘Course I have. Was wondering when you wanna go out again?”

“You’re not sick of me yet?” Remus asks, his smile a little wobbly. He tries to make it sound like a joke, but the flicker of uncertainty on his face kind of gives him away. 

“Why would I- no, I’m not sick of you. If anything, I’m sick of not seeing you enough.” Sirius watches Remus rearrange the bean bags at the kids section, then pick up a couple of books left on the floor. He feels a little better about himself, knowing that Sirius was thinking of him too. He’d see him every day if he could. 

He returns the books to their place on the shelf, then turning to Sirius who stands beside him. “I’ve been thinking about you too.”

He’s missed that bright smile that lights up Sirius’ face. Jesus, he’s making it seem like he hasn’t seen him in days, when he literally saw him yesterday. 

“I brought you lunch,” Sirius says, rustling through his bag until he finds a paper bag. Remus doesn’t pay much attention to what he says, his mind reeling a little at the thought of eating food. “I wasn’t sure whether you were vegetarian or not, so I just went safe with the vegan sausage roll.” 

“I…” Remus looks down at the bag, now in his hands. He gulps, hoping desperately that the lump in his throat won’t appear. He wasn’t planning on eating lunch. This is unexpected. He doesn’t want to hurt Sirius’ feelings - will he be mad if he doesn’t eat it? 

He opens his mouth to say something but no words come out. Remus Lupin, notorious for fucking things up. Maybe this’ll be the tipping point for Sirius. He tries to quiet his spiralling mind, inhaling slowly, then holding the breath.

_Okay, now let go._

_Shit, let go._

“Rem-”

His hands are now empty. He looks back up at Sirius whose eyes are on him, concerned. “You don’t have to eat it,” he says gently, and Remus can only nod silently. 

“Forget about the food, okay?” Sirius says, reaching his hand out. Remus immediately takes it, the warmth of his palm grounding him. He feels like he’s more in his own body again now. Less up in the clouds. 

“Sorry.” Remus sighs, closing his eyes.

“It’s alright, love. My fault for not checking with you first.” Sirius’ voice is calm and soft, like fresh linen sheets, or a smooth coat of paint on a fence. Normally, he’d be annoyed at that tone. He’d find it belittling, patronising. But Sirius looks at him with such sincerity that he can’t help but believe that he means every word he says. It’s a dangerous game, but as established, Remus seems to be willing to take a lot of chances wherever Sirius is concerned. 

“Look- I’m really sorry but I can’t stay for long. I’ll come by tomorrow though?”

Remus nods “I usually take my break around twelve. If you… wanna come then?”

Sirius smiles, “I’ll call you later. Let me know when you get home?”

Remus is going to ask if he wants to do something this evening, but then again, if Sirius wanted to do that, he’d say, wouldn’t he? So, he stays quiet, genuinely looking forward to hearing from him later. “Yeah. I can text you.”

“Alright, well text me anytime. I’m free all evening. So…” he trails off, tilting his head from side to side, smiling cutely. 

“I’ll text you as soon as I leave work,” Remus nods, unable to stop himself from smiling back. It’s infectious, Sirius’ bright and bubbly personality. 

“Can’t wait!” Sirius says, then goes up on his tiptoes to peck Remus’ lips quickly.

Remus doesn’t expect it at all, but he sure as hell liked it. He leans down to kiss him again, not realising that Sirius has moved away, so he stumbles a little awkwardly. Sirius holds his forearms to keep him steady. 

“Sorry-” Remus says, flustered, then leans in and kisses him quickly.

Sirius laughs a little, but Remus notices his cheeks are just as red as he feels his own are. “Was that okay?”

Remus nods, enjoying their closeness. “Yeah, very okay.”

“Great,” Sirius squeezes his arms and smiles, which is no surprise. He doesn’t think he’s ever been around Sirius and seen him _not_ smiling. “Text me later? I’m free all evening, remember.”

Remus isn’t quite sure why Sirius is telling him that again, but he hums his acknowledgment anyway. 

“Bye, Rem. Say bye to Oscar for me as well, please?”

“Course. Think he’s obsessed with you.”

Sirius rolls his eyes, “Nah, he looks at you like you hung the moon.” After a moment of silence, he then teases, “Moony.” 

“Oh, shut up.”

“Nope,” Sirius says giddily, popping the ‘p’. He trails his hand down Remus’ arm, then past his wrist to intertwine their fingers. “That might stick if you’re not careful, Moony.”

“Something tells me I don’t have much say in that anyway.” Remus watches Sirius take a couple steps backwards, their arms both stretching. Neither of them want to let go of the other’s hand. 

“Maybe not. Besides, it suits you. Moony.” He squeezes his hand, then lets go, smiling. “See ya.”

“Bye.”

***

Remus finds Oscar, who’s sitting with Alice and helping her with work. They both look up when Remus comes over, and smile. “Having fun?”

Oscar nods, “My mummy and daddy will be here soon though.”

Remus eyes Alice, then brings his attention back to Oscar. “Alright, love. I’ll have a chat with your parents when they come to pick you.”

Oscar’s face drops, “Please don’t tell them I lied!” he says desperately. “I promise I’ll be good, please, please Mister Lupin-”

“Hey- hey no it’s okay, I’m not telling them about this,” he reassures Oscar, noting how panicked he looked at the prospect of getting told off. He knows Alice has picked up on it too. 

“I thought I could let them know about some new clubs going on that you can come to,” he says slowly, hoping Oscar will understand. He’s a smart kid, he’ll get it. “So you can come more often. But this way, we can make sure I’ll always be around to keep an eye on you.”

Oscar nods, and quickly wipes his eyes. “Yes please.”

Remus smiles, despite feeling absolutely heartbroken for the kid. “How’d you like the cookie?”

“It was really good,” he sniffles, shooting Remus a small smile. He considers that a success. 

Once his parents arrive, Remus walks Oscar over, trying his best to keep a professional face. Oscar holds his hand, and the way he tightens his grip as they get closer does not go by unnoticed.

It’s actually just his mum today, a stern looking woman who, with her heels, stands only a couple of inches shorter than Remus. She always appears to be wearing a business suit, her hair slicked back into a bun. He wonders if she ever gets headaches from how tightly she does her hair. 

“Hi! I’m Remus, I’ve been-”

“That’s nice but we’ve got to go-”

Remus puts himself between Oscar and his mum, looking down at her, jaw clenched. She will not intimidate him as she does Oscar. “Actually I was wondering if I could speak with you?” he asks in as sweet a tone as possible. 

The woman looks at him plainly, then clicks her fingers, in what he can only assume is her way of beckoning Oscar, completely ignoring Remus. 

He huffs, keeping Oscar behind him. “Your child is not a dog,” he says lowly, so Oscar doesn’t hear. “And I’d appreciate it if you didn’t ignore me.”

The woman blinks, surprised at what came out of Remus’ mouth. She still says nothing though, so Remus continues. 

“We’re holding kids reading clubs every Monday and Wednesday. As well as read alongs the first Friday of every month. I think Oscar would benefit from going.”

“We’ll see,” she says shortly. “Come on, Oscar.”

Remus grabs the woman’s wrist before she can take Oscar away and leans in close to her ear as he says very calmly, “I think we both know you’d rather Oscar be here than with you. Give your child something to look forward to, yeah?”

The woman scoffs then snatches her arm away. She reaches over and takes Oscar’s hand, pulling him along as they both leave. Remus smiles and waves when Oscar looks at him over his shoulder.

“What a bitch.” Alice comes up beside him, and Remus watches the two of them leave, Oscar being pulled along roughly when he falls a few steps behind his mum. 

“Damn right.” Remus sighs. “Ought to let McGonagall know. Tell her to keep on the lookout.”

Alice hums her agreement, then loops her arm around his as they walk back in. “Was nice of Sirius to turn up.”

“Yeah, it was.” Remus smiles to himself.

“You seeing him tonight?”

“Nah. Well, I said I’ll text him once I’ve finished work. He said he’s free this evening.”

“But you’re not seeing him?”

“No… he didn’t say he wanted to see me.”

“Remus, the inner workings of your brain will forever be a mystery to me,” Alice sighs, and when Remus looks at her, puzzled, says, “him saying he’s free this evening _means_ he wants to be with you!”

“Oh, I’m not sure… he didn’t outright say he wanted to hang out though.”

“Goodness, you’re so busy worrying about him liking you. Did it ever occur to you that maybe he didn’t outright say that because he was worried _you_ don’t like _him_ as much?”

Remus frowns, feeling like his stomach just plummeted, like it had just gone over the first peak of a rollercoaster. “No, you don’t think-”

“Yeah, I think I do.”

“Shit.”

Alice laughs and nods, “Shit.”

“What do I do?!”

“It’s fine, Remus. It’ll be okay. Just call him after work, reassure him you like him.”

Okay. Yeah, Remus can do that. No problem. Just, he checks the time, four hours until he can call Sirius. He can 100% get through this. 

_**Thirty minutes later** _

“Oh my god, stop whining!” Alice huffs a laugh as she stands beside Remus, who only groans loudly. He’s fixing the self-checkout book machine, something apparently only _he_ knows how to do, despite him full-well knowing that Peter is doing a degree in engineering and most likely knows how to fix a simple machine like this. If Remus, with little to no meaningful education can, then he certainly should be able to. 

Regardless, he’s stuck trying to fix it, while Alice provides moral support. 

“That must be, what, one hour to go, now?”

Alice snorts, “Try three, love.”

“No.” Remus looks up at her in disbelief. “You’re having me on.”

“And a half.”

“Fuck off. It’s only been thirty minutes?”

“Yep,” Alice chirps cheerfully, smiling down at him. Remus rolls his eyes and gets back to work, sorting through this machine.

Working on this gives him time to think over what Alice said. Is he really being that self-centred? He feels so guilty about not considering Sirius’ feelings. He supposes he thought it was clear how much he likes Sirius, especially given it’s quite evident that he is _way_ out of his league. 

But then, Sirius is entitled to feel uncertain, even if he is inhumanely gorgeous. Remus feels like an absolute dickhead for not thinking that Sirius can have worries just like his, too. 

He looks up at Alice and fears he’s been an awful friend for not considering her feelings either. “How’s Frank?” he asks. 

“Frank’s great! Wants me to meet his parents soon.”

“That’s a big step.”

“Yeah, I’m a bit nervous, if I’m honest,” Alice admits, chewing on her bottom lip anxiously.

“You’re great at first impressions. They’ll love you,” Remus says, and doesn’t expect the warm hand that appears on his shoulder.

“Thank you, Remus,” Alice says sincerely. “And thanks for asking about it, too.”

***

Time does eventually pass, and as soon as Remus’ shift ends, he calls Sirius. The phone rings once, twice, then Sirius picks up. 

“I like you!” he says before Sirius can get a word in. Remus can practically hear the smile in his voice when he replies. 

“That’s brilliant, because I like you too.”

Remus laughs to himself, pacing up and down the street. For once, he doesn’t care what people around him think, just cares about the voice on the other end of this phone. “I just thought you should know. Because I do. Like you a lot, that is.”

“I’m glad you told me.”

Remus bites his lip, taking in a deep breath. He said earlier that he’s willing to take chances whenever Sirius is involved. He needs to stay true to his word. He can totally do this. Remus waits a second, then asks quite abruptly, “Why don’t you come over?”

Remus worries that maybe he overstepped, until he hears a quiet sigh of relief, then Sirius saying, “I’d like that a lot.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the late update on this one! been a hectic few weeks for me. this chapter is a little longer to make up for it <3
> 
> shoot me a message on tumblr!  
>  **inloveoknutzy**


	12. The Third Date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The third date rolls around. Remus overthinks his outfit, Sirius turns up with cooking ingredients, it’s a whole _thing_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank u darling jess fleetingpieces for beta’ing ily  
> and madsholland <3
> 
> **CONTENT WARNING**  
>  **food and allusions to eating disorder**

“Third date already, things are getting pretty serious, then?”

“I don’t know, I guess? Wait, no-” Remus looks at himself in the mirror, second-guessing his outfit. Lily helped him with clothing once before, and he feels a little silly asking again. “What do you mean?”

“Oh stop worrying, I only meant it’s great you seem to be getting along well,” Lily says down the phone as Remus prances about frantically, going through what limited wardrobe he owns. 

“Yeah, yeah it is going well I think. He’s gonna be here soon.”

“What have you got planned?”

After explaining to Lily that Sirius has sorted it, leaving out the part where he feels bad for not being the one to organise, Remus hangs up the phone and sets about finding another outfit. Serious, Lily said. Third dates are pretty serious, aren’t they?

Remus has no clue about date etiquette. Come to think of it, actually, he’s never been on this many dates with the same person before. Third dates kind of give the impression that both parties are interested in taking the relationship further, don’t they? Though Sirius probably doesn’t see it in that way. 

As Remus changes into a button-up shirt, he absently wishes that Lily knew Sirius, then perhaps he could get more of an insight into the man’s intentions and feelings. While Remus will admit he’s getting a little caught up in the whimsical whirlwind that is Sirius Black, there is still a part of his brain that’s waiting for the other shoe to drop. 

But the way Sirius looks at him. He can’t exactly describe it in any other way except… it makes Remus feel special. Like maybe he isn’t difficult to love. 

Don’t get him wrong, he still despises himself. Finds faults in his mind and appearance at every given moment, but the thought of Sirius liking him despite all these evident flaws seems like it can be enough of a distraction. At least for now, until he inevitably leaves. 

He weighs up whether or not he should wear a tie, thinking once again about Lily’s ‘serious’ comment. It would most likely seem pathetic calling her again, wouldn’t it? Plus Sirius could be here any minute. 

Remus begins to put his tie on, huffing when he does it wrong and retrying. He attempts to ignore the reminder that pops in his brain, the thought that he should’ve had a father to teach him this. It’s not often he feels this bittersweet, aching sort of longing for his father, but here it is nevertheless.

Ties are simple. His fingers fumble over the fabric as he struggles to keep hold of the knot he seems to have made. 

Realising he can’t miss something he never had persay, Remus’ longing is more often than not replaced by anger, trying its best to fill the mangled and decaying hole in his heart. The absence felt more prevalent through this anger. _You should’ve been there to teach me._

He tugs at the tie, but the action only tightens the complicated knot he has made, fuelling his frustration. It bubbles and fizzes, mixing with pre-date nerves, dizzying him with the way it spins his mind in circles. 

_Knock knock knock_

Ah, fuck. 

Remus rushes over to the door, swinging it open to see Sirius dressed in the most casual clothes he’s ever seen him in. Grey sweatpants and a black ‘Elastica’ t-shirt, the short sleeves showing off that tattoo again, a Morrison’s bag for life in one hand. Remus can practically feel the weight of his own face dropping in defeat, the smart and serious look he hoped to impress Sirius with going down the plug hole, then blocking the bloody drain with that _fucking_ knot in his tie. 

Sirius looks him up and down, eyebrows raised. “I fear I’ve misinterpreted the tone of this evening.”

“No,” Remus sighs, opening the door further to let him in. He surprises himself at the causality of the motion, like this was an everyday occurrence, letting Sirius Black into his flat. “I… thought third dates were more, serious?”

“Oh. I can’t say I’ve ever heard that before.”

“Me neither, to be honest.” Remus waves a hand in a fruitless attempt to gesture how silly he feels. “I just… got it in my head that I had to dress well and then I got this bloody tie stuck and-”

Sirius interrupts him with a laugh, a soft huff that, once he takes another breath, develops into something a little louder, that scratches with a slight rasp in his voice. “That’s really cute.”

“Don’t pity me and my shit tie-tying skills.” Remus tugs again, wondering if Sirius notices how desperately he’s trying to hide the fact that he’s feeling panicky and trapped. He’s not sure whether to be pissed off or relieved when Sirius approaches him, but feeling how his shoulders relax, and the way he can breathe a little easier, he’ll go with the latter. 

“What have you actually done?” Sirius reaches out, nimble fingers trying to unpick the knot. There's a smile on his face that contrasts the little furrow in his brow as he concentrates. Remus wants to smooth it out with the pad of his thumb, but stays still, not wanting to distract him from the complicated business at hand. 

“Ties are stupid. Why do they have to be so difficult?” Remus mumbles as his eyes stay glued to Sirius’ face, which is in rather close proximity to his own, he realises. 

“Mm. Very stupid, love… now pass me a wrench?”

Remus rolls his eyes, “Har har, you’re hilarious.” Sirius’ smile is sweet, and he ducks his chin a little, as if Remus isn’t there, and he’s just smiling to himself. It warms his heart. He pauses before asking quietly, “can you undo it?”

“Alllllmost there,” Sirius murmurs, tongue sticking in his cheek. If Remus leaned forward ever so slightly their lips would connect, and that thought shoots a spark of electricity through him, the excitement of their closeness compelling Remus to break the distance and kiss him.

He doesn’t though, still a little nervous about making the first move. It’s easier when Sirius does, lets him know that this is all okay. He realises he should just pluck up the courage and ask, but the moment passes, and Sirius undoes the knot. 

“Now,” Sirius holds the tie in front of Remus, “should I go home and change into my suit?”

“Stop teasing.” Remus feels his cheeks tint a little, especially as Sirius places the tie in his hand, his palm brushing Remus’ as he does so. There’s that spark again. 

He clears his throat, ridding himself of those confusing thoughts. “So, what’s the plan?”

“Well,” Sirius moves away to grab his bag, placing it on the counter. “I thought we could do a little cooking session? And, then a movie? Or we can do something else entirely, up to you.” 

“What will we be cooking?” Remus stands behind Sirius, peers over his shoulder in the bag, surprised at the variety of things, not even all ingredients. “Why’ve you brought a blanket?”

“For the movie, of course. And,” Sirius lets out a small laugh, “you can say no but I thought it’d be cute to make mini pizzas.”

“Mini pizzas?”

“Yeah!” Sirius starts taking out the ingredients, “and I didn’t want you worrying about the stuff so I got everything.” 

“That’s… too kind of you.” Remus feels bad, having not organised anything. He tries to remember the way Sirius’ face lights up pretty much anytime he sees him, and hopes it’ll be enough to embolden him to be the one to plan the next date. Is he too wishful thinking to assume there will be another date? Surely not. 

“It’s nothing.” Sirius shoots a gentle smile at him, then busies himself with preparing, as if this is his own kitchen. Remus stands awkwardly, hands hovering over the counter, unsure what to do. Looking at Sirius relaxes him a little, distracts him, even. He admires the way Sirius moves, akin to a dancer, smooth and purposeful, making him always appear in place, despite the unfamiliar setting. Like he’s meant to be here. Meant to be in… Remus’ life. 

“I’m gonna change into something more casual,” Remus announces, then disappears into his room. He picks up some clean sweatpants and a comfortable jumper, trying not to overthink it. 

When he comes back, Sirius is going about making the dough, separating the ingredients evenly into two bowls to include Remus. He knows that this is a date and obviously they would do this together, but it still touches Remus that he would let him join in. Once measured, Sirius instructs Remus to start mixing. The whole ordeal is adorable, Sirius even brought his own wooden spoon.

Remus is, however, a little concerned about the texture of his dough, and wonders whether he accidentally put too much water in. It seems a little too sticky for his liking. He tries to ignore that and, once they finish mixing the dough, hefts himself up to sit on the countertop. 

“Seems like you’ve done this before,” he remarks, letting his legs dangle while watching Sirius start to spread flour on the surface. 

“Yeah, my family owned a pizza place actually. I learned to knead dough before I could walk.” 

Remus waggles a finger at him. “You think you’re full of jokes, don’t you?”

Sirius frowns in confusion, hands stilling while he looks at Remus. “I’m not joking. It’s a serious family trade and means a lot to me.”

Well done Remus. “Oh- fuck. Sorry. I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean… _oh_ you little shit.” Remus grabs the tea towel beside him and throws it at Sirius, who is now doubling over in laughter. “You’re so mean!”

“You’re so easy to tease,” Sirius can’t stop laughing, eyes bright and smile wide, picking up the tea towel that’s now on the floor. He throws it back at Remus, or rather, attempts to; it ends up floating mid-air, then dropping pathetically, Sirius foregoing Remus’ tried and tested method of scrunching the fabric up into a ball. The towel, having barely reached Remus, only fuels Sirius’ bouts of laughter, which, in turn, prompts Remus to join in. 

He can’t remember ever laughing this hard with someone, about something so trivial. It makes Remus feel alive, like the first gasp of breath after breaking the surface of water, or pressing fingers to wrists, feeling your pulse throb beneath your skin. It reminds him that he’s still human, with highs and lows, and someone who looks like they want to be there throughout it all. _I’m allowed this_. He tries to convince himself. 

Once catching their breath from laughing fits, Sirius gets back to work, making up the dough. Remus gets off his arse and stands beside him, after a while, leaning into his side. Sirius doesn’t seem to mind. In fact, Remus thinks he feels him lean into the touch too. 

“What can I do to help?”

“Just stand there and look pretty,” Sirius grins at Remus and kisses his now-pink cheek. 

“Seriously.”

“That’s my name.”

“Ugh-”

“Alright, alright, love, come here,” Sirius chuckles, “you can knead your dough, yeah?” he demonstrates on his, then motions for Remus to do the same.

“Knead the dough,” Remus repeats to himself under his breath as he tries to copy Sirius. “Oh, it’s sticky-” he cringes, pulling his hand away, bringing half the dough in the process.

“Remus- I said knead, not poke,” Sirius watches on with fond amusement. 

He huffs indignantly, “I was kneading!”

“Looks more like poking to me.”

“Right- you know what?” Remus leans over and smears sticky pizza dough all over Sirius’ face, who looks at him in shock. He then grabs a handful of flour and throws it at Remus.

“Oi!” Remus is about to wipe his now powdery trousers, but stops just in the nick of time when he remembers he has messy hands. 

Sirius, laughing, throws some more flour, Remus yelping and jumping away, in fear that he’ll get even more on him if he stays closer. 

He looks around for anything to get Sirius back with, but fails when the only thing beside him is a toaster. “No!” Remus shouts at Sirius who holds up his flour-y hand, shooting him a warning look. 

“I’ll throw more.”

“This stops at once. I refuse to become a romcom character.” 

Sirius only looks on with a wide grin, eyes twinkling with mirth. “What’s so bad about that, Moony?”

“Don’t you dare bring out the nickname-”

“Oh, come on, Moony, dance with me like the movie couples, Moony, oh please,” Sirius starts swivelling his hips, socks sliding on the tiled floor in time to an imaginary song and Remus can’t help but smile back at the ridiculous man in front of him. The ridiculous, beautiful man. 

“There’s no music.”

“So?”

“Your hands are dirty.”

“As are your clothes. Now stop making excuses and come dance with me, please?”

Remus acquiesces, stepping forward to let Sirius’ arms circle round his neck, drawing him closer. Sirius immediately starts swaying, side to side, spinning them around slowly. 

It’s like crashing waves, tumbling over the sand, flowing in, then dragging out. The loud giggles, the pitter patter of bare feet on the beach, as she calls out, _‘Don’t get too close, my Rem,’_ followed by his own reassurances of _‘I won’t, mummy!’_ The running as close as he could towards the edge, then squealing delightfully and hurrying away before the water caught up to him. 

The water that comes and goes; it’ll always come and go. 

This is what it feels like, swaying with Sirius. Like waves on the beach. He can pull away, as much as he can, but he’ll always be dragged back into the water. In, then out. In, then out. 

He can almost hear the waves, though that might just be the rain from outside. 

Remus presses his forehead against Sirius’, their bodies swaying ever so slightly, the movements barely there. In, then out. 

“Why haven’t you kissed me?”

The swaying stops. 

“Hey- hey, it’s not a problem. I just thought I’d ask,” Sirius says in the most gentle voice he could cry. Remus supposes he ought to be honest. He’s not sure how to begin describing the anxiety that seems to always be clawing its way out of his mouth. 

“I’m- I guess I’m scared you won’t want me. If you always make the first move, I can always know you like me.”

Sirius sighs a little, hand moving to cup Remus’ cheek. He’s distracted by the comforting touch for a while that he forgets Sirius still hasn’t replied. He’s just looking at Remus, almost like he’s trying to come up with the words to say. When he finally does, he speaks in the quietest tone Remus has ever heard him speak in, a twinge of sadness, clinging to the edges of the words. “I’m scared too, you know.”

“Are you?”

“Of course I am.” Sirius smiles slightly, but his eyes are distant, looking off, not quite at Remus. “I’m scared that I’m falling too quickly,” he admits. 

“So am I.”

“Then,” Sirius’ eyes meet his again, “let’s be scared together.”

Remus’ smile eradicates any lingering anxious thoughts, and it’s enough for him to lean forward and kiss Sirius, the press of their lips sending that spark of electricity through him again. 

“How about,” Sirius smiles, breaking the kiss, but keeping his face close, “next time you want to kiss me, but you’re too scared, you squeeze my hand.”

“Hm?”

“Like this—” Sirius holds his hand and demonstrates, squeezing twice. Remus does it back to him, and nods.

“Only if you do it too,” he asks. 

Sirius’ face lights up, “Okay, I will.” 

***

Eventually they resume cooking, Sirius taking over and, by some miracle, saving Remus’ dough. They leave it to rise, chopping up tomatoes and peppers in the meantime. Sirius shows him how to dice properly, but Remus is just convinced he wants to hold his hands more. He is by no means complaining. 

Once the mini pizzas are ready, Sirius’ looking considerably nicer shaped than Remus’ (which look more like blobs) they sit down and eat, talking about the movie Sirius brought over. Of course, it’s his favourite, About Time, Remus being surprised that he stayed true to his word when he said he wanted to watch it with him on their first date. 

“D’you know Domhnall Gleeson?”

“Ginger dude?”

“That’s the one, he’s the main guy in it.”

“Oooh, I quite like him actually. He was mean in Peter Rabbit, though.”

Sirius agrees, nodding along as he eats. “Was mean in Star Wars, too,” he says, once finishing his mouthful of food. 

“Oh yeah, forgot you were a Star Wars geek.”

“I have _one_ pair of pyjama bottoms that have stormtroopers on, _big deal_.” 

Remus snorts, shaking his head and picking up another mini slice. It seems a hell of a lot cuter eating anything when they look like baby-versions. 

“I’m proud of you, by the way.” 

Remus looks at Sirius in surprise, “Oh… what?”

He nods down to Remus’ almost empty plate, then meets his eyes again. “I- didn’t want to make a big deal of it. But one of my mates struggles too and I felt so bad about earlier today…”

“No, it’s-” Remus blinks at his plate, “I didn’t even realise-”

“I’m really sorry if I overstepped any boundaries. I guess I just thought if I distracted you with the cooking you wouldn’t work yourself up about it.”

“Yeah that’s… that’s exactly what you did, thank you,” Remus continues, eyes still on the ceramic. “I can’t believe you did that for me,” he says, almost in disbelief. 

“Was just worried about you is all,” Sirius lifts one shoulder in a half-shrug, smiling, as if the comment didn’t mean the entire world to Remus. Like it was just a fleeting statement. 

Sirius really has no idea how much Remus likes him. No idea. 

***

They settle on the sofa, Sirius bringing his own blanket and, fortunately, laptop where he has the film ready to go. Remus, once again, feels a pang of guilt that tangles with shame at the thought of Sirius pitying him for not having a TV. Or even a laptop. He typically watches whatever he can on his phone, making do with the smaller screen. 

“I think you’re gonna like this movie.” Sirius nudges his shoulder playfully, Remus nudging back, then reaching forward to press play. 

Because they are both not complete heathens, they watch the movie in relative silence, though about three quarters of the way through, Sirius has to press pause because both of them started crying too much. To start, Remus only felt his eyes water and tried to hold back the tears, refusing to look at Sirius because he knew he was on the verge of tears too. But then Sirius made a tiny wounded sound from the back of his throat, his shoulders beginning to shake and that was what sent Remus over the edge, crying with him. 

“Why would you show me this movie, it’s so sad,” Remus whines, leaning into Sirius more, who, after pressing pause, wraps an arm around his shoulders. 

“Sorry,” Sirius sniffles, “it is good though, right?”

“Yeah, it’s brilliant. But this bit’s too sad.”

They sit together for a while, Remus leaning his head on Sirius’ shoulder, content to be in each other’s company as they calm down. It’s quite cathartic, crying with someone, holding onto them as you let out all your emotions. Remus feels quite worn out afterwards, grateful to have Sirius next to him to lean into. 

“I never had a dad like that,” he admits, voice so quiet he’s almost whispering. He doesn’t know why he just said it, but he feels like he wants Sirius to know. Even if the prospect of sharing his life is terrifying. Sirius feels worth it.

“Me neither, actually,” Sirius says back, and they then fall into a silence again. Neither wanting to poke at the other. Happy to leave it at that. “You wanna watch the rest of the movie?”

Remus nods, sitting up a little, but still keeping close to Sirius. “Let’s do it.”

As the movie carries on, Remus keeps his own hand on his thigh, wanting to hold Sirius’. It’s silly, they’ve bloody kissed so many times, yet he still finds himself too nervous to reach over. He edges his hand a little closer to Sirius’, nudging it a little. He holds his breath, trying to focus on the movie, then finally exhaling when Sirius links their pinkies together. 

They inch closer, and closer, until they’re finally holding hands, and when the movie comes to an end, Remus squeezes twice. 

Sirius turns to face him, and all of a sudden Remus’ breath is caught in his throat again. He tries to say something but nothing falls from his lips. Luckily, he doesn’t need to, because Sirius then leans forward and presses their lips together. He doesn’t think he’ll ever get over the feeling of Sirius kissing him.

Every time, it just feels… right. It isn’t like he expects great big fireworks, or trumpets to sound as the heavens open up above them, but nevertheless, it feels like Sirius is meant to be with him. It may be silly, and perhaps it’s the haze of the kiss, but it just feels so real. Like the tingly feeling of stepping into a warm bath, the way you feel the goosebumps take over your skin. It’s a reminder. He’s alive.

“Pretty successful suggestion, I reckon,” Sirius murmurs lowly, prompting Remus to huff a breathy laugh, nodding his agreement.

“Very good suggestion.”

***

The next few weeks go by in a flurry of soft hand squeezes and tender kisses, making the most of any moment Remus and Sirius could find themselves in together. 

Remus did think that perhaps after the three very long and consecutive dates, Sirius would get a bit sick of him, but he finds it’s the complete opposite. Sirius is just so utterly wonderful, visiting Remus even for just thirty minutes during his break at the library. It’s considerate, not expecting Remus to see him _every single day after work._

The dates on the weekends are his favourite, though; walks along the pebbly beach, more movie and cooking nights, Remus couldn’t get enough. 

He hopes Sirius feels the same too…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH. MY. FUCKING. GOD. EVERYONE LOOK AT THE ART MADSHOLLAND MADE OF REMUS IN THIS FIC RIGHT NOW AAHH  
> https://madsholland.tumblr.com/post/644417824612401152/today-is-a-jam-on-toast-day-simple-easy-but


End file.
